Guy Lets Me Vent On MyMac Podcast Episode 584-5

Getting it out of my system with Guy on
"MyMac Podcast 584-5: TheMacMommy is Angry"

Check out original show notes here: http://www.mymac.com/2015/12/mymac-podcast-584-5-themacmommy-is-angry/

Tap or click the play button in this player to listen to the show.

99 Pennies for Your Thoughts?

This young man was diagnosed with bone cancer and died just this past Monday at the age of 18. Before he died, he recorded this song as a way to say goodbye to his family and friends. It's now number 1 on iTunes. If you buy this uplifting (tear-jerking) song, the proceeds go to cancer research.

Shed a tear, spend a buck, then maybe one day cancer won't suck.

Clouds - Single Zach Sobiech Pop           2167 Ratings

Sometimes I Think I Would Blog More if I Didn't Have to Come Up with A Fancy Title Each Time

Do you know what I mean?

Blog posts SHOULD have a title.

Emails SHOULD have a subject line.

Neither of them HAVE to, but I'd feel like I didn't brush my teeth after eating tuna fish if I didn't do it.

I think Twitter has spoiled me.

I think Twitter has conditioned me.

I think Twitter and Facebook have programmed me to post in shorter bursts and I like it.

It's like burning your bra.

Sometimes, I cheat on Twitter with Facebook. They say size doesn't matter, but sometimes I just need a few more characters.

What the hell is Twitter? It's still a best-kept secret to many. When people ask, I change the subject and wish my answer could be, "If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand." Reason being, I still believe in "ask three before asking me" in that; if you really want to know about something — go check it out for crying out loud! If you sincerely tried it, you might better understand it.

A lot of things in life are like this when you think about it. We always condemn what we don't understand. I try NOT to do that. I'm not always successful, but I do try. I wish more people would.

I think this might be why Facebook is easier to use than a "traditional" (if there is such a thing by now) blog. I just wish there were less pillow fights, farms, and fishbowls. I suppose it's all relative. People complain that there is no substitution for talking with people face to face, in the flesh. I maintain that time wasted on Farmville would be better spent planing a REAL garden. I don't see how "time wasted" socializing with people all over the world using social networking tools like Skype is wasted at all. I only see what there is to gain. I suppose if you're shooting up heroin, smoking and drinking yourself to death while doing it, then it's a waste. Perhaps you can sell your farm before you OD? I don't know.

I miss "traditional blogging," but many times it feels like no one cares, has time, been there, done that.

I don't like feeling like I've reinvented the wheels I'm spinning.

I do like original thought, but so many of my thoughts right now are fleeting.

My best blog posts, the ones that would get the most traffic, happen while I'm in the shower, on the toilette, driving, nursing, changing diapers, feeding the baby, waiting for the school bus, during sex, while listening to podcasts, while reading other blogs....

wait...

while listening to podcasts?!!!!

err, I mean....no, not during sex. I was just kidding.

I don't have sex, silly.

Well, ok, if I DO start having more sex, it will mean that my husband has read this.

If my husband reads this and I DON'T have more sex, well, then, I guess I'll have twenty more minutes to myself to blog more often.

Balance

A family member posted a question on Facebook asking advice about balancing work and family.

Someone put something in my powdered juice mix. This was my answer and I can't believe the box let me type it all in there.

✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺ ✂ ☺

I think Balance is the Holy Grail of Motherhood and we're on a constant quest to achieve it. The fact that we don't always achieve Balance keeps us humble. I think some people can afford to make it all look and smell good; the rest of us do the best we can with what we have.

It is possible to do more with less. I didn't say it was comfortable, but when you do it for a while, you get used to it. Bonuses are truly special that way.

Unfortunately, I always strive to be a better parent than my parents were. I say unfortunately because I'd rather be trying to emulate good parents; not trying to undo and break cycles of generations of abuse from all angles. Again, I work with what I have and try to improve upon it. Liquor nor drugs are the answer, but sometimes they are an aide, especially when prescribed. Better living through chemistry, but pick your poison carefully.

It also has something to do with what you define as "work." If you do something you enjoy, you'll never work. Tasks for which you are compensated monetarily will coexist with tasks for which you're compensated in that which is much more valuable than money. If you have priorities in order and put yourself and people first before things in your life and keep it simple, it gives you wiggle room for something closer to what may resemble balance.

Thank God for the life you live and the people in it. Nothing else matters quite as much.

Ok, that was fun. Now, excuse me now while I go back to freaking out about more important things in life like whether or not the slip covers are on straight and the kid put his books and toys away. Because, when I can't control what's happening to my body and I'm getting cut open in less than 20 days and will soon have a screaming infant again...you know...balance is making sure the coffee cups in the sink don't topple over and wake everyone up just when I finally pass out.

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Stylin' and Profilin' The Baby Bump

Just so you know, this story does have a happy ending....

It has taken me a long time to finally muster up the courage to ask my husband to take some baby bump photos of me that I would be willing to share with everyone. I'm now 35 weeks along and my belly bump is finally starting to round out more. I don't know why, but for some reason, I just do not like the way my body is shaped for this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I really loved my pregnant body. I still felt I looked more oblong than round, but at least I felt very feminine and beautiful. I just haven't felt that way this time around. I feel more rectangular than round. I have belly bump envy whenever I look at other pregnant women and they have these glorious, basketball-looking bellies that are so plump and round. Every time I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted because I don't look pregnant, I just look heavy. I feel like when I'm out and about, people don't know I'm pregnant unless they watch me waddle. To look at me in the grocery checkout line, I just don't think they see me as pregnant but perhaps a woman who maybe just gave birth or is just overweight. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I got the vibe from people that they all KNEW I was pregnant and everyone would smile at me. I loved that feeling. I don't get that vibe this time around.

Just the other week, we were getting our cars serviced. Nate and the mechanic were engaged in a conversation about kids because Lucian was with us and I think the guy said something to the effect of "is he your only child?" and of course, Nate replied that we were expecting another soon and pointing to me as if to say, um, isn't it obvious my wife is pregnant? The man very politely put his hands up in defense and said "Oh, I never assume that anymore. I got myself into a lot of trouble once because I asked a woman when she was due and she wasn't pregnant. I learned my lesson the hard way and I never assume anymore and just keep my mouth shut." Of course, it's understandable. Who hasn't been in that situation where you want to say something, but just don't because you just never know. Of course I understand and I don't fault the man at all. It just stung a little bit because it was just another reminder that I just look heavy and not OBVIOUSLY pregnant. It just bugged me.

It's Just Bumped Up

What's even more strange is that I haven't gained as much weight with this pregnancy either, so why shouldn't I be happy about that? At my last 34 week checkup, I had only gained 21 pounds total. I am really happy about that, don't get me wrong, but it's a struggle because of the strict diet I am on. Growing up, you're trained to view pregnancy as a time to indulge and NEVER a time to diet. Not for me though, there isn't much wiggle room when you have Gestational Diabetes and severe nerve compression. I think I'm mostly upset because I was ten pounds heavier when I started this pregnancy and I was really, really terrified of gaining more weight on top of that because of the nerve compression in my left leg. I've been really disappointed in myself because I didn't lose more weight before getting pregnant. I really wanted to lose twenty pounds so that when I gained the pregnancy weight, it wouldn't put quite as much pressure on my spine, nerves and joints. That didn't happen and so here I suffer the consequences of chronic pain and discomfort because I failed to reach my goal. I'm also very upset with myself because I have Gestational Diabetes again. I could have potentially avoided it if I had lost the weight I should have. So again, no one else to blame but me. I feel really sad that I could be causing this poor baby health problems because of my lack of responsibility to keep myself healthy. I'll never forget poor little Lucian and all the heel sticks they put him through and how they had to force feed him formula to get his blood sugar up. We had to stay in the hospital for five long days because of his low blood sugar and I feel like it's all my fault. I'm so nervous that this baby will have to endure that same treatment. That's another reason, of many, why I am absolutely dreading the C-section because last time, it slowed down the process of lactation so much that my milk didn't come in for seven days. Had I been able to lactate earlier, I would have been able to get Lucian's blood sugar up faster. I really, really hope it won't be as bad this time around and that I can nurse much earlier since at least I'm more experienced at it. I'm confident in my abilities, but not what all the surgery related drugs in my system will do to my milk production.

I know, I know, I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but it's hard not to. The last trimester is, well, TRYING — and tiring. I'm moody, tired and uncomfortable at 35 weeks. Unless you've been through the torment of pregnancy and delivery that I have, you just wouldn't understand. I try to enjoy pregnancy, I really, really do. I'm just venting hoping it will make me feel better. Writing about it is very cathartic for me. I really do believe that pregnancy is an incredible honor, blessing and privilege and I'm extremely grateful to be pregnant. Despite the excruciating, agonizing pain and discomfort I experienced last time, I was willing to endure it again because I believe the end product of a child is worth the struggle and then some. I'm even willing to do it again. That will really depend, however, on how well I recover from this delivery and IF my husband will ever get me pregnant again. He doesn't want me to be in pain so much to the point where he'd just rather not impregnate me. I can't blame him for being terrified. It's not only the woman who suffers but the man who has to put up with her suffers too! Neither one of us is happy to "put the other through it again" so that's something we'll be struggling with in the future. Nate, as I imagine many men do, feels helpless and extremely frustrated when he can't fix me or make me feel better.

I'm determined and stubborn, it's just that I'm not always quiet about it and I sometimes have to gripe about it to deal with the stress. I can't help but feel envious toward women who can be so active in their pregnancies and immediately afterward. My chronic joint pain and allergies just won't allow me to be as active as I'd like and it's depressing feeling so debilitated at times.

The last time I shared photos I was 23 weeks along and feeling brave because I was in the second trimester and feeling like I had "the glow." So, for the sake of comparison, here I am at 23 weeks.

I am the type of person who tries to find the positive in everything. The silver lining, if you will. After all the griping, I try my best to try to switch gears and look for something to be happy about. Now that you've read all of the negative feelings I've been experiencing, here is something positive. Like I said, I really don't like the way my body looks. Maternity clothing helps to a point, but for the most part, I just haven't found anything that I feel makes me look really nice and pregnant, motherly or feminine.....

Until now.

Maggie Maternity to the Rescue

Thanks to TwitterMoms and their RAMBO alerts, I was awarded the opportunity to blog a review of a maternity dress from Maggie Maternity. I was able to pick the color, size and style so I picked their Summer Sleeveless Maxi Dress. I picked a dress because I've never owned or worn a maternity dress. I normally don't really have many occasions to dress up, but I thought perhaps if I got a dress, maybe we would make an opportunity so I could get all gussied up to feel better. That has still yet to happen, but I have worn this dress to a parent-teacher night at Lucian's preschool so far and then again today to have my photos taken to document the pregnancy. I'm also thinking about wearing it for my upcoming Sprinkle Shower. Another reason I chose the dress is because it's very, very hot in Tucson this time of year and this dress looked like it would be very comfortable in the heat. I was right!

First of all, let me just get the few negative points out of the way. The price of this dress is a bit high-end for my personal budget, but I don't feel it's an unfair price at $75.00 because it's pretty well made and a glorious material. It washes very well and it's simple to hang it to dry. It's probably very affordable for most, but on our modest single income, it just wouldn't be practical for me to spend this much on one piece of clothing that I'll only wear a few times. Perhaps had it been my first pregnancy, knowing for sure I would wear it for another pregnancy later on and with the extra full time paycheck, possibly it could have been affordable. In our current situation though, it just makes sense to buy second-hand for less. Also, when it comes to spending, technology is more of a priority for me than clothing, shoes or makeup. That's just ME. That being said, I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to own a "pricey" new article of maternity clothing. It's a real treat.

The second and last constructive criticism I will give this piece is that I'm a bit disappointed with the bust area. Now, this is not necessarily the fault of the dress-maker because I am large-busted and ALWAYS have trouble with clothing, but I do believe a dress sized at an Extra Large should be equipped with a bit more room in the bust area as women who wear this size do tend to be larger breasted. I probably would have been better fit in a 1X or women's size 16/18 for the cut of the top of this dress. It is really hard to find a bra that will work with this dress because of the way the straps and neckline are shaped. Bras for breasts of my size (currently a 42 DD — and bound to get larger once milk comes in! ugh!) are cut with much larger cups, thicker straps and higher cleavage lines for support. I did manage to find a suitable nursing bra in black with a lower neck line and much thinner straps that wouldn't stick out, but then the sides near the armpit area still showed because of the larger cup size. Also, the stitching under the bust line on this dress could be a little more reinforced due to the weight of the breasts it's meant to support. I found myself tugging a little to get my breasts to fit in the area better and I was afraid of tearing out the stitching. I think if the bust of this style dress could be modified, it would be perfect. As you can see in the photos, my solution was to pair this dress with an unbuttoned blouse to hide the bra from showing. It might even be nice if Maggie Maternity were to design a cute, short-sleeved jacket to go with this dress for those of us with larger arms and bigger bust lines. Those are just my suggestions.

Now, on to the best part.

I have to rave about this dress now and NOT because it was given to me for a review. Honestly, I have to rave because remember all the depressing stuff I wrote about before? When I put this dress on, it really lifts my spirits. All those negative feelings melt away. I feel pretty, feminine and motherly when I wear this dress. The fabric is incredibly soft and keeps me cool and comfortable in the heat. It accentuates my belly bump and makes it look ROUND for a change! I feel like I finally look pregnant while wearing this dress. When I wore it a few weeks ago to our son's parent teacher night at his preschool, I loved the way I looked and felt in it. There was one other pregnant woman there and for the first time I did NOT have belly bump envy!! I actually felt good about the way my belly bump was being "presented" — if you will.

I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but that's how I feel when it comes to dressing up my belly bump. Bellies should be worn with pride and up until now, I haven't felt like I could really do that before. So, with the exception of a few enhancements I would make for larger-sized women, I would definitely recommend this maternity dress to others. It gets TheMacMommy stamp of approval :)

Thanks again, Maggie Maternity for helping me to feel good about my new shape!

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

It's Time to Play Breastfeeding Soap Box!

To play along, first you have to read the title of this blog post with that Muppets Game Show Host character's voice in your head.

Ok. I'm torqued about this conversation stirring over the woman who was fired (in 2005) for taking unauthorized breaks to pump milk. It hits close to home with me because I left my full time job over something similar. While I commend Ms. Allen for making the choice to breastfeed her child, I believe she could have made other choices in addition that would have suited her and her son's needs better rather than causing herself undue turmoil, but hey, we live and we learn, right?

First let me just say that this story has been spun several different ways till Sunday. According to The Columbus Dispatch article, along with some other references with credible citations, the woman was fired for taking unauthorized breaks, NOT for pumping her milk. Let's get the story straight here, folks. Her employer never said she couldn't pump her milk, they did say she would have to do it on their terms at the times they specified and there wasn't any wiggle room.

According to the details of the case (the ones I've read and believe to be cited properly — keep in mind, I wasn't there) — the woman took on a temp job (I remind you this was just a temp job, she wasn't making partner in a law firm) and she negotiated the terms of her employment regarding her needs for taking breaks to pump her breasts during authorized times that were approved by her supervisor. After some time, she discovered (as we all do, because we're freakin humans, not machines) that these break times were not sufficient for her pumping needs.

Duh. I'm sorry, but unless your breasts are bionic, who can pump reasonably within 10 minutes time?

She was not granted any more flexibility when she asked about adjusting her break times.

Ok, real shocker there. This was a production job and she was a temporary employee. Not a whole lot of flexibility for something like this when you're on an assembly line making gloves and umbrellas. So, what did she do, she took unauthorized breaks to pump (read by the employer as "sneaking") and then got caught and penalized for it.

Now, no one should be penalized for draining their painfully engorged breasts just like no one should be penalized for having to drain their bladder. Pumping, however, is not the same as a bathroom break or a smoke break or any type of break. It's really not a break at all. Your body has to work and burn a tremendous amount of calories. It is medically and physically necessary to pump at regular intervals and not every woman can drain her breasts in 10 – 15 minutes, so why anyone thinks they can get away with being told by an employer when they can and can't pump is beyond my understanding. Perhaps it's because pumping and the details of proper breast care and milk management are beyond the scope of most employer's understanding anyhow. After all, it's not really the job of the company to educate themselves on all things health related like pumping breast milk, or insulin injections or blood testing for diabetics, is it? We're talking about personal health management here and there are privacy issues at stake. This means it's up to the individual to manage their own health care needs. Be responsible for yourself.

Sometimes I feel women have been brainwashed over the years to think that we can just do it all and it will all work out perfectly. Just give us a device that replaces a natural function of our bodies and we can do anything we set our minds to. We don't need no stinking ovulation, menstruation, or lactation! What a hassle? As if! Come on, body, I HAVE to go to work, punch in and check out. I have no time for these processes! Imagine all the money we as a nation spend on drying ourselves up with all of these devices, products, drugs and procedures that basically just de-feminize us over time while others spend money on devices, drugs, products and procedures to make the perfect woman plastic, plump and juicy. Just what the hell does it really mean to be a woman anymore if I have to make a choice between denying my body it's natural processes or turn myself into a machine so I can run with the big dawgs?

And then we wonder why marriages fall apart, our children suffer in schools and our health care is failing us.

This coming from a geeky mom who has in fact tried to do it all while pumping. I am Super Lactation Woman, hear me Moooooo! I can leap mountains in a single bound, manage 160 computers on a network at the same time, put out fires, make phone calls, email instructions, fix a problem remotely with a few clicks of the mouse, consult employees, create Excel spreadsheets and print them correctly too — all while attached to my breast pump!! All the while I was doing that, once I got the hang of it, it was great and I was able to pump 20 ounces a day while at work. I was so proud of my little cooler filled with mommy juice and couldn't wait to put it in the fridge all neatly labeled at day care the next morning. That sounds pretty impressive to the working woman and I did feel very accomplished.

However, the whole time I was doing this, my mind was NOT on my precious son. I was mentally distracted trying to cover over the heartache I felt each day I had to leave my baby with strangers so I could go to work. Whenever I took him in to the day care (a room filled with cribs and crying, neglected babies plopped in swings, high chairs, and play pens — in other words, a tiny little prison camp) I would try to nurse him before putting him in his crib to sleep. Then I would dart out so as not to be late to work, imagining my little angel just laying there sleeping the whole 8 to 10 hours while I worked. I couldn't bear the thought of seeing him just laying there crying with no one paying attention to him except for to put out fires like feeding and changing diapers. I also hated the idea of how hard it was for me to pump that precious, liquid white gold only to have some other woman cuddle and feed my son the milk out of my body from a plastic liner and silicone nipple.

It was just all so unnatural, I couldn't stand it!! When I started getting sick and couldn't recover, I knew I was going against the natural grain of things and I had to make changes. My body was literally screaming out to me to stop the madness and succumb to the primal urges of being a mother.

I feel some people lose sight of the fact that draining your breasts while you are lactating is a natural, biological need as well as a health care need which becomes interrupted when you are working and away from your baby. Pumping is a mechanical intervention which attempts to narrow the gap between working mother and child. When you mix working outside the home with lactation, it's often not a good match no matter how hard you try. (Not saying it isn't possible, I know women who have pulled it off very gracefully. I attempted to be one of them.) It just interrupts the natural cycle of biology and primal instincts. When it comes to lactation, there just is no replacement for a real baby just like there is no true replacement for breast milk. Pumping is to proper breast care management as formula is to breast milk replacement. It's a best guess, but it's not the real thing, so you get what you pay for. In the end you do the best with what you have to work with given the circumstances in which you find yourself. Keep in mind that those circumstances are many times within our own control and changes can be made to compensate to get what you need to be healthy. No one said the balancing act would be easy. Nothing is guaranteed. Be careful about expecting entitlement.

I just feel perhaps the mother involved in this court case might not have planned enough for what pumping at work would really entail. How could she? It's not a perfect science where everyone magically knows what to do. It takes practice and coordination. Maybe she didn't educate herself enough beforehand and just thought it was a mechanical process? Maybe she felt too intimidated and under pressure to ask for more than her employer was willing to offer when it came to her health needs? If she really wanted to breastfeed and it was that important to her, I think she should have made her health needs a priority over that particular job. Did she really, really need that temp job to make ends meet? Couldn't she have sought out some type of assistance? Reason I ask these questions is because I find it hard to believe that a temp job had such a high salary that she could justify all of the costs of going to work like childcare, transportation, etc. Maybe she had family helping her with childcare, who knows, but something's gotta give somewhere along the line.

I'm not clear or sure if she was given a warning and did not comply, but either way, she broke the rules that were handed down to her instead of trying to negotiate further or simply bow out and look for another place of employment. That's my beef.

Do I think her employer was right in not allowing her to adjust her pump schedule? I believe the employer made decisions based on the best interest of its company, not the employee. Is there something wrong with that? It depends on the company. No one is forcing you to take a job there. It's a job to make money just like any other. You're there to do a job and get compensated for it. Period. If the job isn't conducive to pumping, then GET ANOTHER (TEMP) JOB, stay at home, or give up breastfeeding.

What frustrates me is that everyone is stressing over this woman who (4 years ago this happened, mind you) was fired for taking unauthorized breaks, not over whether or not this woman made the right choice about taking on this temp job in the first place rather than staying home to breast feed her son OR find another job that was more conducive to breastfeeding. The jobs are out there, not many, but they are out there. You have to look, ask and be diligent. This case was not really about them not allowing her to pump her milk. It was about her not complying with the conditions in which they DID allow her to pump her milk. Like I said, if she felt the terms were insufficient then she should have made a choice of the job over the pumping. It's a sad reality that it comes to that, but that's the way it is. We can not expect employers to make these kinds of adjustments for us. We must be the ones to make the adjustments ourselves. If we keep accepting the fact of having to go to work and not demanding more out of life, then corporations will keep dishing it out and we'll keep eating it. I don't think the answer lies in companies making room for nursing mothers. I feel the answer lies in longer maternity leaves so a woman doesn't have to pump while at work. A woman should be able to take enough time away from working to do what is natural and then return to work when it's more manageable and the child is better equipped to be separated from mom like when they go to school.

Now, I really disagree with part of the court's ruling on whether or not breastfeeding is or is not a condition of pregnancy. According to the court's decision, they say that "... [Allen's] condition of lactating was not a condition relating to pregnancy but rather a condition relating to breastfeeding."

That one really burns me, but I believe it's a separate issue than that of Ms. Allen's not following the rules she was given.

Ok, so let me try and wrap my mind around this one. So, lactation is a "condition" because a woman chooses NOT to take drugs to dry herself out or open herself up to the risks of infection if the milk is left to build up until the lack of supply and demand is enough to stop the process of lactation. I'm really, really pissed at the notion that the courts deem lactation as a "condition" as if it's a bad thing, as if it's like acne or psoriasis that can be "treated" with drugs or other interventions to prevent it from happening. What the firetruck?

The court's decision on this aspect of the case wasn't very well thought out. I mean, I'm no judge, but I have lactated enough to know better than a judge that there is a lack of critical thinking involved here and it is just plain wrong and not factual. I'll be interested to see how that whole ball of wax plays out. While they're at it, I'd really like to know which came first? The chicken or the egg?

Everyone has to make choices that are in their own best interest or in the best interest of someone they care for or manage. The employer and corporation has to make choices that are in the best interest of their ability to make a profit. Otherwise, why be in business if you're not after a profit? Sometimes the choices they make involve sacrificing employees. Everyone is replaceable.

The mom has to make choices that will directly affect the well-being of herself, her children and her family. IN THAT ORDER. Everything else is secondary, especially a job. It costs money to work. It takes sacrifices to go to work. Only you can decide if those extra costs and saccrifices are a better choice for you over staying home and making different kinds of sacrifices in order to do that.

On the other side, for many women, the choice to work over staying home is important and does contribute to the well being of herself, her children and her family because of the long term investment and how it will affect the outcome of her family in the long run. For some women, the short term upbringing time is a time they CAN and/or are willing to sacrifice in order to be a good provider, especially when they are the sole provider. What if you spent your entire life preening your career as a lawyer or teacher? It's hard to step out of those positions. When that's the case, we make the necessary adjustments.

My personal ruling on this whole thing? QUIT THE TEMP JOB. STAY HOME AND DITCH THE PUMP. A temp job is not worth this much aggravation. Choosing to work at this job was an unwise and unhealthy decision for this mother and she should have cut her losses and moved on. Either find a different job or make the sacrifices to stay home and nurse if it was such a priority for her. I'm not saying every woman in this position should or can quit their job to stay home. I'm not saying every mother should be a stay at home mom either. I just think this story got a little twisted out of control and it could have been avoided.

Perhaps she felt like she had no choice but to sneak breaks in order to pump because she couldn't bear the thought of asking supervisors for more time because she felt weak. Again, if that's the case — GET ANOTHER JOB.

Pumping while at work is not easy and especially when you don't work in an environment that is conducive to it. Some women have it made. I've worked at places where they actually had a designated pumping area complete with comfy couch and designated refrigerator! These jobs are out there, but you have to look and ask. If a job does not have these accommodations, it's not their fault, you will have to create an environment yourself — but you will first need to clear it with your supervisor and make your intentions clear.

Before I left on maternity leave with my first son, I had my office and areas all scoped out and set up. I consulted with other co-workers who had done something similar and my working environment was supportive. My co-workers and supervisors were caring, supportive and understanding. Unfortunately, it didn't stay that way. When I came back from maternity leave, 8 short weeks later, I was transfered to another site. After all, Family Leave Act DOES guarantee you'll have a job to come back to, it just might not be the same job or the same place.

BURN.

When I returned to work, I was totally unprepared. I had to start all over again with a whole new staff and surroundings. It SUCKED. I tried to negotiate all sorts of arrangements. I even tried to see if I could be transferred back to my original location. Again, an employer does what it thinks is in its best interest, even at the sacrifice of an employee regardless of the job they are doing. (I was well liked and was told I did a great job.)

Employees are replaceable.

So yeah, I've been there, done that. It's painful to think about what I had to go through to get to where I am today. Think dark storage closet. Bugs. Germs. Pressure. Stress. Mastitis. Infections. Angry co-workers with no sympathy. Angry parents not understanding why my door had to be closed at times. One parent even attempted to insinuate that I might have had students in my office behind closed doors. People are afraid of what they can't see out in the open but for some dumb reason, my administrators thought it better to NOT disclose the real reason why I needed privacy. Yeah, that makes sense. Make a parent worry when all they needed to know was I was providing for my own child.

Ultimately, I quit my job so I could breastfeed. (I didn't get fired, but I was "asked to resign" and I did so happily after the way I was treated.) That's the choice I made and I'm happier for it. Trying to pump at work was a truly awful experience and people were real jerks about it enough times to make it taxing. (and I worked with mostly other women who had children in an education setting so it's not just men who don't understand.) To me, that job was just not worth sacrificing my health, my son's health or any of our happiness. We all must make choices based on our priorities in life. If breastfeeding is a priority for you, like it was for me, and your work environment does not make it comfortable, then you may need to make a choice and compensate for that decision. I personally don't think involving government or even your employer in many situations is going to change anything about the stigma attached to this. It's sad, but a reality. If you really want to breastfeed and be successful at it, then don't work full time unless you have a good working relationship and environment. Trying to force the issue will just stress you out more in the long run.

Whoever says breastfeeding is not essential or necessary, that is an OPINION not based on FACT and it's that attitude that perpetuates the reasons why breastfeeding is not the "norm." For me, it WAS a medical necessity, to pump and not just for 15 mins. either. It disturbs me when people think that pumping should only take 15 minutes to complete. This is just not true for most people whether or not they realize it. You're a human, not a machine for crying out loud. You're not completely draining the breast and getting the hind milk out and it's only going to diminish your supply over time if you follow that course. You must also take into account time to walk to the location and back, set up and clean up time and any interruptions along the way that make it take longer. If you're only taking 15 min breaks to pump, that means you're really only pumping for 10 mins and in lots of cases, that's not nearly enough time to get the job done properly. Why even pump at all?

When I tried to pump at work, I DID work extra time to make up for my breaks, so in the end I was working the same amount of hours as anyone else and then some. However, the time it took out of my day each day kept me from being there when people needed me during normal working hours and that wasn't fair to them either. Towards the end, I was able to work out a better schedule because I was able to pump at my desk while working and had a partition put up for privacy. I arranged it with several co-workers who needed to consult with me during times while I pumped that they could meet with me while I was pumping if they were female (or an understanding male) and weren't squeamish about seeing the tubes hanging out of my shirt. I was completely covered, the only thing they saw were the tubes and machine and so long as they didn't mind, it made it a little easier. This worked well for a little while, but in the end it just wasn't a good enough solution because too many people who were squeamish about the idea complained about my need for privacy and my inability to just get up from my desk and come to them.

It just wasn't a good fit for any of us. I was there to do a job and provide a service for which I was being paid. They needed me to be available and approachable by all, not some. The adjustments I made to try and incorporate my health needs were not good enough. In the end, I made the decision that these employees along with this type of job was just not conducive to my need for breastfeeding. I decided that my son, my happiness and our health mattered more then a job and being accepted by peers. Our family has made many sacrifices, but the best part is we're happy and that's all that matters.

There will be other jobs, but there will never be another chance to breastfeed and bond with my babies. Jobs come and go, really, they do — but babies don't keep. Figure out what you really, and truly NEED to get by in life and compensate accordingly. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle. You would be surprised at just how much it really costs overall to work full time. Sometimes I feel we're all just a little bit brainwashed by the Corporate world and the expectations make us lose sight of what really and truly matters. We keep on putting up with it, so it keeps getting dished out. Unless you change this cycle, then you only have yourself to blame. You CAN make adjustments to get what you want out of life and it's not like it's permanent! Government involvement is not the solution. Employer intervention is not the solution. Make a choice and adjust accordingly. If it doesn't work, try something else. Don't expect the world to revolve around you. Carve out your own life and be your own center. The world just might be a better place for it. :)

Dear Family

I'm frustrated. Pissed off. Fed up. I've called my mom and left a message for the last time. I just can't do it anymore. I can not deal with the constant rejection any longer. I've now lost track of just how long it's been since she's called me or written. I'm tired, pregnant, cranky and sick of not getting any feedback. I can not stand the negativity surrounding this pregnancy. This should be a happy time for me. It's not. The lack of relationship with my family is sucking the life out of it for me. I can't stand it.

She's not the only one that's set me off. I don't feel like I have a family anymore when it comes to my side. (Nate's family has been wonderful to me.) I feel like I've been discarded. Written off. It's all MY fault that I live so far away yet they are the ones who encouraged me to broaden my horizons. Now I have, I'm happy and doing well and they still refuse to be happy for me.

No one wants to come visit us here despite the efforts and sacrifices we have made to travel out there and spend quality time. I'm sick of all the excuses. All you need is air fare. We will house you, feed you and transport you. Stop complaining that you can not afford to travel. We somehow manage to do it and we make a lot less than you. We're getting by because we're resourceful and challenge ourselves to be responsible. We choose to prioritize family, relationships and happiness. It's not always easy to do when there is a lack of reciprocation. It just makes it that much harder.

Suck it up.

Get your priorities straightened out, people. You all like to preach about religion and what is right and what is wrong. You're all such perfect Christians yet don't even support your family members let alone friends and neighbors. You'd rather complain about them because it makes you look and feel better about yourself. You complain about our society yet do nothing about it. You're all a bunch of hypocrites who really need to take a good, long look in the mirror and ask yourself how you can be better and what you need to do about it to be happy. Stop being so effing miserable! It's simply not good for you. You want better health care? Take care of your own health! You want to be happy? Make a choice.

Dear Family,

You know who you are. And if you don't, please take a moment to pull your heads out of your asses long enough to think about whether or not you may be "one of them."

I'm done.

I'm finished calling you. I'm finished writing to you and sending you pictures and trying to keep the lines of communication open to our relationship. It's YOUR turn. I'm waiting, but I won't hold my breath. It's not fair to my immediate family to see me stressed out all the time because you don't call or bother with me. It's not fair to our little boy who doesn't understand why his family doesn't bother with him. He doesn't really know you that well anyhow, so it's no skin off his back — but it really shouldn't be that way. He's THREE and could care less about the cards or money you send him. It's a band-aid, but it's the cheap kind that doesn't stay on very well. Our unborn child might come into this world never getting to know you and that is very, very sad. I hate to admit that I wonder if it's better these kids never get to know you so that they don't have to experience the hurt of being rejected by you like I have.

I call, I write, I blog, I post photos and videos, I network socially. I even have an audio podcast they could subscribe to for free and listen in to what I've been up to — and, God-forbid, MAYBE even learn something? I make myself available.

I AM AVAILABLE FOR COMMENT yet I get none from you.

When I first got involved with social networking, it was with the thought that if I put myself out there, I would be able to communicate more easily with my family — those people whose blood we share running through our veins. Every social networking service I try out, I think about whether or not this could be something my family and close friends could benefit from. I'm always looking for an easier way for them to get in touch with me that won't cost them anything but their time. I long to see photos and videos of THEIR kids and families. They all have digital cameras and cell phones yet don't want to invest the time learning how to use them. Most of them have computers and at least know how to use the internet, so lack of technology on their part is no excuse. They also have cell phones with long distance built into the package so a simple phone call would be nice.

I know phone calls are rough because most times of the year there is a three hour time difference. Anyone knows when you're raising little children, time on the phone is just not something we invest in. I can understand why people don't call anymore because they think I don't want to be bothered. I feel the same way and it's why I don't call much of the time either.

I now have another way for you to call me. I now have a Google Voice number. It means, if you're on your computer reading this, you can click this icon, put in your name and number and call me for free. You can also leave a message for free. You can use the long distance built into your cell phone service to just simply dial the number too. It's 918-246-6669 or just remember 918-24MOMMY.

Electronic forms of communication now allow us to shift time by being able to communicate at times that are convenient for us. In my case, that is everyone else's 3:00 am most times. It's not like I don't have an answering machine though. Voice mail is the same thing. Sometimes I waddle just fast enough to get to the phone when it rings and I actually answer it! It wouldn't hurt to actually try calling me and letting me know when is a good time to call you.

I love to share photos and movie clips. I love to use Skype. (My Skype ID is TheMacMommy) I thought these would be great ways for my friends and family to be able to still see Lucian grow up. Now with another baby on the way, we're much more ready to go with this compared to the time when Lucian was born. If this baby were born today, family members could see him within hours if not over the next few days. Both my parents have computers with Skype. All my grandparents and other family members have to do is to go visit with one of them and arrange for a time to be on the computer at the same time. Why is this so difficult? Why has it not become a priority to make time for this on a regular basis? Why must it be like pulling teeth? If you don't make the time for it, then stop bellyaching over not getting to see your grandchild/nephew/cousin, etc. grow up. My family and I do everything we can to open these lines of communication with you — all you have to do is make yourself available.

I get more feedback from strangers on the internet than I get from my own mother, father, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives. Isn't there something off about that? My "internet family" has been helping me to keep it together and I am eternally grateful for that. I just wish more of my "in real life" family and friends would get involved.

If this message has offended you, then you just might be "one of them."

Make a choice. Do something about that.

Life is just too short.

Love,

Melissa and Family

Week 19 - Thoughts

Thoughts

Couldn't take it any more. Bit all my nails off. Now I can type even faster! I'm sure they'll grow back with the pregnancy hormones.

I'm a little nostalgic thinking about how nice it would have been to be expecting a little girl so I could keep fantasizing about doing cute little girly things like painting our toenails together and teaching her how to put on makeup. I don't like that I feel that way, but I'm just being honest. I have mixed emotions I suppose. I also suppose it's all completely normal so while I feel a tad bit guity for having these feelings, I don't necessarily feel it's wrong.

I'm still very happy we're having another little boy and I still see more benefits to having a boy over a girl right now. I'm already in love with him and now I just can't wait to meet him and kiss his little toes. I just can't wait to bond with him.

I'm mostly just nervous about how it will all affect my relationship with Lucian and how he will deal with another little boy to share his room, toys, clothes, and especially, HIS parents. I was thinking a relationship with a little girl would be so different that Lucian wouldn't feel like he was being traded for another little boy. I really worry about how Lucian is going to deal with all of this. I expect he'll be like any other normal little kid and be insanely jealous and feel like he's being replaced. I'm really glad we waited until he was a little older to have another. I think I'd be even more worried if he were not almost 3.

I'm the oldest of 4 and I'm very sensative to what Lucian is about to experience and I'm going to try my best to do whatever I can to make him feel special and not like he's being replaced. I've always told him that he is the little boy of my dreams and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I can't help feeling how that statement might change now that I'm having another little dream come true – another child that's also a little boy of my dreams. Lucian already made my dreams of having a son come true and to be honest, I've always just pictured myself with one of each – a boy and a girl, that's it. I suppose those are like princess fairy tales when you think of it because it's impossible to know what you'll really end up with when you try for the second to complete your little perfect snapshot of how you imagine your life to be.

I guess that's part of growing up and being an adult — realizing the difference between dreams, goals, aspirations and unrealistic fantasies.

Projects

Yesterday I got into a nesting frenzy and it's still continuing today. I've been chipping away at this blog post in between trips to what I'm now calling "The Boys' Room" to put things away or reorganize little things here and there. It's like a bird who flies around picking up little pieces of straw and bits little by little each time to build the perfect nest. I love tweaking everything. It just makes me happy.

We just got done inventorying all of the children's books we have and I can not believe just how many we've accumulated for Lucian over the past three years! We have a really nice book case built into the wall in our living area so we just reorganized it so that all books for children 17 and under are out there and all "adult" books like how-to, reference and novels are now in our bedroom along with photo albums. I really like the way it looks now and how easily accessible it is to Lucian and someday, his baby brother. We put all of the little board books on the very bottom and then they go up in age appropriateness towards the top.

Before that, I just had Nate pull down 2 storage totes containing all the baby and maternity clothing and supplies. I've been in denial about whether I'm showing now or not and if it's time to start wearing maternity clothing. I'm really confused because I have not yet gained any weight but at 19 weeks now, regular clothing is really starting to become uncomfortable. I keep pushing my elastic band below my belly and my shirts are not covering everything right now, so I suppose it's time. I guess I'll start taking belly pictures soon too but I feel odd about that because I don't feel like I LOOK pregnant. I feel like I just look fat. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I don't think I started showing till around 20 weeks. Even at full term, my belly was never completely round. It was a very odd shape. I'm not complaining because I only gained 27 pounds that time while other friends and family members had gained 50 or more.

I just got finished cleaning and reorganizing The Boys' Room and I'm really happy with the way it looks now. I'd still like to see some shelving on the one wall for some knickknacks. I'm not very fond of knickknacks personally, but we do have several pieces that people have given us over the years that hold sentimental value. There are also some photos I need to frame and hang. It's one of those things that will never be finished, but for now I really enjoy just sitting in the rocking chair while hanging out with Lucian to watch him play his little computer games or read books and dream about the time when there will be two little boys sharing that space together. I look over at the crib and try to picture what life will be like with another little one in there. It will be a while before we actually use the crib because I prefer to have baby sleep in the bassinet in our room for the first six months or so. Lucian slept in a crib in our bedroom for over a year, but partly because my father in law lived with us temporarily while he and mom were looking a new house to move here to Tucson.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts right now - what I'm feeling, what projects I'm working on at the moment.

Funny story I wanted to remember

Last night when I tucked Lucian into bed, I was still moving little things around. Nate had printed out a family photo of us and made a copy for Lucian so I put it up on the shelf with his stuffed animals where he could always look at it. After I put it on the shelf and bent down to give him a kiss and a hug, he said, "That's our family." I said, "Yes! That's right! That's our family." Then I kissed him and hugged him and he whispered, "the Happy Home People."

I all but fell over laughing because that is a line from an Express Flooring commercial that's always on TV.

Leave it to my kid to use an advertising tag line to make me smile.

Pink or Blue?

Well, the results are in! We're having another little BOY! :)

The sonogram went extremely well and he was not shy at all! I was able to see the "turtle" before she even said so! I guess after enough sonograms you sorta kinda get used to recognizing some body parts. I love to see the little hands and feet moving around. I have a thing for baby toes.

I have to say, this was one of the best sonograms I've ever had. Lucian's sonograms were great too, but I don't remember him moving around as much as this little guy does! It was amazing to watch him move. Lucian was always a very mellow baby for which I was extremely grateful! This little guy scares me because I just get the feeling that he's going to be a fearless little firecracker! I don't know how I'll keep up! I suppose I will have to acquire a taste for coffee and be like everyone else on the planet who drinks coffee. I'm hoping perhaps he was hopped up on sugar because I had a piece of banana bread with icing before the appointment. (temporary weakness for sweets)

Our sonogram tech was just awesome. She was so patient, fun and seemed extremely experienced and really enjoys what she does. She took lots of time to explain everything and answer questions. I didn't feel rushed like I normally do during sonograms. I was just so relaxed and pleased with the way she looked at everything and even went back to areas where I had questions.
Nate and Lucian were there and at one point, Lucian had to go potty so Nate had to take him out of the room and missed some of the sonogram. When he got back, she was almost finished but I asked and she let us just watch our baby boy swim around for a little while since Nate had to miss a little of it. It was so great. Lucian was almost interested, but of course he was even more focused on seeing what buttons and switches he could press. There was a lot of "Jeffrey, Jeffrey, stop it Jeffrey, get down Jeffrey, don't touch that Jeffrey." Sigh.

Baby was VERY active and squirming all over the place. He was putting his little hands up to his face and tilting his little head back and side to side. It almost made it hard for the tech to get clear pictures at times. He was really making her work for it!
She said we're on target for the due date and he's within normal size. Only one thing they are going to watch is that I have what is called a "low lying placenta" so they just want to make sure it doesn't turn into placenta previa. We'll have another sonogram around 26 - 28 weeks to make sure the placenta has moved up to it's normal position like 99 percent of all cases do.



I haven't yet gained any weight, in fact I lost a pound. I asked my OB about this and she said it's nothing to worry about. She told me I could actually get away with only gaining five pounds towards the end. So, I'm not going to stress about the weight gain unless it makes my leg hurt. At this point, I'm extremely grateful for the slow weight gain and the extra reassurance that baby is healthy and getting all the nutrients he needs right now.

We were hoping for a little girl, but of course we're happy with another boy that's healthy. I'm slightly relieved because we're already prepared for a boy. It kind of takes the stress out of having to reconfigure things for a girl. We may try again after this, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The joke is that the Davis family comes in sets of three and it's usually two boys and a girl. So, if we feel up to it after this baby, we might try and tempt fate to see if that pattern holds true. I'll be 35 in December so I'm not exactly looking forward to being of "advanced maternal age." I know plenty of people are totally fine with that and I respect that — it's just not what I wanted for myself. I also believe things happen for a reason and that God has an ultimate plan for us so, if I'm meant to have a daughter, it will happen. If I'm meant to be the mother of a little soccer team, than so be it. Boys are cool!

It's kind of funny, I was getting all these girl vibes so I was a little surprised it turned out to be a boy. I won't lie, I was slightly disappointed but more so because my gut feeling was wrong, not because we're having a boy. I don't like being wrong! He just looks so healthy and that's what makes me really happy now. It's just a relief knowing. I suck at surprises because I'm way too nosey.

The other reason that the sonogram was great is because, even though this is the third one, for some reason, THIS is the one that made it real for me. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I think it was the 1st sonogram that made it real for me. I was around 12 weeks along and he was starting to move and I could see him wiggle around on the screen and I was truly delighted.

With this pregnancy, I've been a bit more depressed for various reasons and I was really craving some reassurance that the baby was still alive and surviving and most of all - real. It's not like I was experiencing anything that should make me worry like spotting or cramping, it just didn't seem real or accepted for some reason. (Partly because of the issues I'm still having with my mom.)

It still seems like a dream, but it's so much more realistic to me now. I'm starting to get in the mood for digging out baby stuff and getting certain things set up. Nate of course just says we have time and he's not feeling the kind of pressure I feel to nest. I always worry that if I don't start doing things now while I have the energy, I won't get them done later when I'm distracted and too irritated from being super pregnant.

Already I'm having a hard time getting around and chasing after Lucian because I have a lot of aching in my pelvic joints. (I don't know how else to put it.) The OB says it's perfectly normal because this is my second pregnancy and ligaments aren't as tight as they used to be so baby is resting lowing in my pelvis and causes the aching feeling. I can still get up out of a chair rather quick when I need to, but walking around and standing a lot is not comfortable at all.

I've been getting more tired earlier in the evenings and waking earlier in the mornings so that's a good thing. I just wish I wasn't waking at 3 or 4 in the morning because I feel like I have to pee and then can't get back to sleep. The OB says Tylenol PM is safe to take (as is Benadryl) when I really need it so I'm glad for that. I try my best not to use it if I can help it because I hate putting chemicals in my body that might affect the baby no matter how safe they say it is. Sometimes though, I have to consider the alternatives. Going several days on only 4 hours of sleep each day isn't good for me either. I basically can't sleep much longer than 3 to 4 hours at a time. If I do, it's rare and I take it when I can get it.

I need to be tested for Gestational Diabetes again at around 26 - 28 weeks and I'm nervous that I may have it again. I'm really trying to watch my sugar intake. I can't remember the last time I really craved and ate much chocolate, so that is good. It's the carbs that are my biggest weakness. Being part Italian doesn't help! I have such a penchant for pastas, breads and cereals. I don't keep junk food in the house but I do unfortunately keep too many carbs in the house and that is my comfort food. A bowl of cereal or a bagel or a big plate of pasta is what makes me happy.

So, anyhow, I'm waning but I wanted to get this post out and also take some time to thank all of those who were "Thinking Pink" for us yesterday. I know several people who even wore pink underwear for me!! Even dudes!! So, thank you for your valiant efforts and perhaps next time.

I was feeling so feminine for a while there thinking that I might be having a girl and now I'm tempted to cut these long nails off! It was a nice thought for a while, and I do enjoy embracing my femininity once in a while, but I'm really comfortable hangin with tha boys in my sneakers much of the time so another little boy dude in the house suits me fine :)

Week 18 - Sonogram Today

Today, later this afternoon, we'll get a sonogram that will hopefully reveal the health and sex of our baby. When I was pregnant with Lucian during this part of the pregnancy, he was not willing to let us know he was a little boy for the 18 week sonogram. So, although I'm extremely excited to try to find out what the baby is, I won't be shocked if it decides to be shy. I'll just be agitated and hope we get another sonogram so we can find out later. I have little patience when it comes to this. I'm just too curious. It's not that I hate surprises — I like surprises if anyone can manage to pull them off — but I'm very, very nosey by nature so it usually doesn't work out.

One of the things I know they are going to be watching for is the baby's size. Lucian was a very large baby. If this baby is growing large quickly, it's going to lessen my chances for attempting a VBAC because my OB doesn't think my pelvic size can pass a large baby. Lucian got stuck and she thinks that may have been the cause. Part of the problem was complicated with Gestational Diabetes. I'm not sure when I have to take another glucose test, but I bet it's coming up soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm skeptical that I might have it because some of the symptoms include constant thirst and frequent urination — which I have been experiencing more lately.

It's hard to tell what is pregnancy-related and what is medicine related. I started taking Zoloft about 5 weeks ago to get a jump start on the postpartum depression I experienced last time. My OB suggested I start taking the meds now rather than wait until after delivery. I've always had issues with anxiety and depression so I figured I mind as well try to do something about it now so my kids don't suffer like I did with my own mom. It seems to be helping, but it's so hard to tell.

I went through a rough week a couple of weeks ago when one of my best friends lost her baby pre-term at 20 weeks. It really affected me negatively. I get very emotionally connected to my good friends and when they suffer a loss, I internalize it also. I just really, really hurt for her. It scares me because I just never knew anyone personally who had lost a baby that late in gestation. I know how common miscarriages are in the first trimester, and I kind of accept that, but the second, that really shocked me. It just makes me worry about my own pregnancy a little more than I might have, but I'm trying to relax a little more, especially now that my friend seems to be healing with her loss.

My mom is still not talking to me and that's still very upsetting. I did send her a Mother's day e-card and she acknowledged it to my sister, but she said nothing to me. Basically, I only ever get family updates from my sister now and she tries to be forthcoming and honest even if she knows it will upset me, which I appreciate. I've tried talking to my grandmother about it and she tries to sympathize, but she doesn't really want to get involved because she has her own set of problems with my mom, her daughter.

The female relationships in my family's history are horrible. It goes back as far as my great-great-grandmother. My grandmother's mother died when she was just nine so she was raised by her grandmother and they did not get along at all. My aunt, my grandmother's oldest daughter, left home when she was 16 and they didn't speak for many years. It wasn't until later in life that my aunt and grandmother finally became close again – best friends even. Then she sadly passed away at the young age of 62. My mom and my grandmom barely get along now. They tolerate each other at best. My mom says nasty things about my grandmom and it really makes me mad. I'm really close with my grandmom and I was also close to my aunt. It's mostly my mom that seems to stir the pot, but she'll never admit to that. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Anyhow, had to get that off my chest because it kind of explains why I'm very nervous about finding out if we're having a little girl. I would love to have a daughter, but I'll always be apprehensive about my ability to have a good relationship with her because of my family history. I want to break the negative cycle and I think it's possible because I live out west now, away from the constant negative examples. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law have a great relationship and I'm hoping it's one I can emulate. I have hope and several friends now have made some encouraging comments and that just helps me even more.

I don't know, I think maybe the Zoloft is helping. I'm hoping it will help with my confidence in helping to raise a little girl if that's the case. I'm not constantly being reduced to a puddle of tears at the oddest of times. I also feel a little more motivated now in the morning to get out of bed and get on with the day. For the past 3 nights, I've actually managed to fall asleep before midnight! Of course, then I wake up at 4 am to pee and then I'm up and can't fall back to sleep. But, things seem to be improving sleep-wise and I surely hope it continues!! I also feel a little less anxiety about leaving the house to do activities with Lucian at public places. I've taken him out on my own a little more and I've been feeling more motivated and confident to take him out in general and get out of the house. Now that he's approaching three, his whole world seems to be opening up to more opportunities and I'm feeling I want to embrace it more and more.

So far, I don't think I've gained any weight. It's hard to tell on my scale at home. According to my scale, I've lost a pound or two. I usually weigh myself in the mornings and my OB appointments are usually in the afternoon once I've eaten AND have a full bladder, so we'll see what happens later today. I'm trying not to be overly concerned about it because I'm really only supposed to gain 15 pounds anyhow. So, if I've made it almost half way in the pregnancy and not gained any weight, that's good I guess.

Truth be told, I am terrified of gaining weight. Reason being, the nerve compression in my leg. The more weight that sits on that nerve, the more painful it gets to the point of excruciating. The only solution for the pain is to lose weight. (I've also read about possible surgery and I may consider that later.) That's not really an option for me right now. I've been disappointed in myself for a long time now because I did not keep the weight off from Lucian's pregnancy. I had lost all the baby weight and then some by the time he was six months old, but it was mostly due to stress and being sick all the time because my immune system was compromised by the C-section. In hindsight, I should never have attempted to go back to work in an elementary school of all places. (Huge petri dish for a work environment, despite how much I loved my job.) When I decided to quit my job and work from home, and he started weaning, it all poured back on plus ten more pounds.

I was trying really hard to lose weight before we got pregnant but my problems with insomnia really made that difficult. Also, the joint and muscle pain with fatigue I experience has limited my ability to exercise. Since almost all my immediate family members have arthritis, I assume I must have some form of it. I've had repetitive stress injury symptoms from the time I was in my early twenties. I should have seen a doctor for all of this before getting pregnant, but I had lots of reservations about seeing a doctor. First being, my insurance plan sucked big time. I'm now getting medical assistance so that is no longer an issue, thank God!

It's no secret that the health care system sucks in this country. It's a never ending cycle. I was paying for insurance – the amount we could barely afford — but the policy really only would have helped me in the case of something really drastic, so I've never even picked out a primary care physician since I've lived here. My OBGYN was really the only provider I've ever needed since living here. I even purchased a maternity rider - thinking I was being the responsible American by paying extra for my insurance so that in the event I'd need another C-section, which I know my chances are high, that I would be covered. Well, turns out I got swindled by an insurance salesman who just told me what I wanted to hear when I thought I was asking all the right questions and doing all the proper research before signing on the dotted line. The maternity rider – that I had paid out several thousand dollars for over the course of almost 2 years – was only worth two thousand dollars and would ONLY cover a NORMAL VAGINAL delivery with NO COMPLICATIONS. Yeah, um, that's not me - I'm complicated. So, I had to scramble for a solution to get medical coverage over fear that the mounting medical bills would send us into bankruptcy.

What complicated things with our prior insurance was the fact that Lucian needs eye surgery. So we're potentially facing TWO surgeries before the end of this year. My C-section with Lucian cost around $40,000 dollars. Yes, that's forty THOUSAND dollars and that was when I had good insurance through my employer. We only paid $350.00 out of pocket to have Lucian at the hospital. So, you can imagine the stress I was under thinking how much it was going to cost us between a C-section and eye surgery with the private insurance that carried a hefty deductible plus 20 percent co-insurance!!

Luckily I was able to get Lucian onto KidsCare for a really low premium each month that doesn't carry a deductible and no co-insurance. It's been a major relief that are health insurance is more manageable and now I don't think I'll be so resistant to see a doctor for reasons other than prenatal care.

I did express my concerns about arthritis to my OB and she said the only thing they can test for and possible try to manage is rheumatoid arthritis. So, I may be getting a blood test for that today. Everything else will pretty much have to wait till after the baby is born and possibly after it weans from breast feeding.

One of my fears about seeing a doctor for my problems was that they might try and put me on a treatment plan with drugs that might compromise my fertility. Approaching "advanced maternal age" is not the time you want to be messing with drugs that could cause infertility when you want to have another baby before it's too late. So, I basically put my health on hold until after we're done having babies which, if this baby is a girl, will likely be soon. If it's a boy, we MIGHT try again for a girl. I just don't know how I'll feel. I love being the mom to a boy. It's great and I'm comfortable with the idea of a house full of boys. I'll just have to wait and see how I feel and if I can get over the feeling of wondering what life would have been like having a daughter.

Nate always teases me that they (the Davis family) come in packages of three. His family history is such that there have consistently been families with children in sets of three and most of them two boys and a girl. So, even if this is a boy we're having now, I wouldn't rule out having another just to see if we continue that trend. We'll just have to wait and see how I recover from the delivery and cross that bridge when we get to it.

More and more, I'm trying to learn to live day by day and not get so wrapped up in planning and worrying so much about the future and things I can not control. It's not easy and I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.