FitBit Stride Length Calculator

Are you a FitBitter like me? Did you get one of these little gadgets for Christmas? There is also a wristband version called Fitbit Flex. I got a FitBit One for myself for my birthday last year so I've now had it for a few months. One thing I have learned since wearing this gadget is the importance of stride length. When I went to input the number though, I wanted to make sure I was doing it correctly. I found this cool calculator widget and I thought I'd share it with you. I hope you find this as helpful as I have. I believe wearable tech will grow to be a bigger hit in the coming years.

Are you hooked up yet?

Click this link if the hosted graphic doesn't load below: Stride Length Calculator

My New Love Affair With Lentils

Stylin' and Profilin' The Baby Bump

Just so you know, this story does have a happy ending....

It has taken me a long time to finally muster up the courage to ask my husband to take some baby bump photos of me that I would be willing to share with everyone. I'm now 35 weeks along and my belly bump is finally starting to round out more. I don't know why, but for some reason, I just do not like the way my body is shaped for this pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I really loved my pregnant body. I still felt I looked more oblong than round, but at least I felt very feminine and beautiful. I just haven't felt that way this time around. I feel more rectangular than round. I have belly bump envy whenever I look at other pregnant women and they have these glorious, basketball-looking bellies that are so plump and round. Every time I look in the mirror, I feel disgusted because I don't look pregnant, I just look heavy. I feel like when I'm out and about, people don't know I'm pregnant unless they watch me waddle. To look at me in the grocery checkout line, I just don't think they see me as pregnant but perhaps a woman who maybe just gave birth or is just overweight. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I got the vibe from people that they all KNEW I was pregnant and everyone would smile at me. I loved that feeling. I don't get that vibe this time around.

Just the other week, we were getting our cars serviced. Nate and the mechanic were engaged in a conversation about kids because Lucian was with us and I think the guy said something to the effect of "is he your only child?" and of course, Nate replied that we were expecting another soon and pointing to me as if to say, um, isn't it obvious my wife is pregnant? The man very politely put his hands up in defense and said "Oh, I never assume that anymore. I got myself into a lot of trouble once because I asked a woman when she was due and she wasn't pregnant. I learned my lesson the hard way and I never assume anymore and just keep my mouth shut." Of course, it's understandable. Who hasn't been in that situation where you want to say something, but just don't because you just never know. Of course I understand and I don't fault the man at all. It just stung a little bit because it was just another reminder that I just look heavy and not OBVIOUSLY pregnant. It just bugged me.

It's Just Bumped Up

What's even more strange is that I haven't gained as much weight with this pregnancy either, so why shouldn't I be happy about that? At my last 34 week checkup, I had only gained 21 pounds total. I am really happy about that, don't get me wrong, but it's a struggle because of the strict diet I am on. Growing up, you're trained to view pregnancy as a time to indulge and NEVER a time to diet. Not for me though, there isn't much wiggle room when you have Gestational Diabetes and severe nerve compression. I think I'm mostly upset because I was ten pounds heavier when I started this pregnancy and I was really, really terrified of gaining more weight on top of that because of the nerve compression in my left leg. I've been really disappointed in myself because I didn't lose more weight before getting pregnant. I really wanted to lose twenty pounds so that when I gained the pregnancy weight, it wouldn't put quite as much pressure on my spine, nerves and joints. That didn't happen and so here I suffer the consequences of chronic pain and discomfort because I failed to reach my goal. I'm also very upset with myself because I have Gestational Diabetes again. I could have potentially avoided it if I had lost the weight I should have. So again, no one else to blame but me. I feel really sad that I could be causing this poor baby health problems because of my lack of responsibility to keep myself healthy. I'll never forget poor little Lucian and all the heel sticks they put him through and how they had to force feed him formula to get his blood sugar up. We had to stay in the hospital for five long days because of his low blood sugar and I feel like it's all my fault. I'm so nervous that this baby will have to endure that same treatment. That's another reason, of many, why I am absolutely dreading the C-section because last time, it slowed down the process of lactation so much that my milk didn't come in for seven days. Had I been able to lactate earlier, I would have been able to get Lucian's blood sugar up faster. I really, really hope it won't be as bad this time around and that I can nurse much earlier since at least I'm more experienced at it. I'm confident in my abilities, but not what all the surgery related drugs in my system will do to my milk production.

I know, I know, I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but it's hard not to. The last trimester is, well, TRYING — and tiring. I'm moody, tired and uncomfortable at 35 weeks. Unless you've been through the torment of pregnancy and delivery that I have, you just wouldn't understand. I try to enjoy pregnancy, I really, really do. I'm just venting hoping it will make me feel better. Writing about it is very cathartic for me. I really do believe that pregnancy is an incredible honor, blessing and privilege and I'm extremely grateful to be pregnant. Despite the excruciating, agonizing pain and discomfort I experienced last time, I was willing to endure it again because I believe the end product of a child is worth the struggle and then some. I'm even willing to do it again. That will really depend, however, on how well I recover from this delivery and IF my husband will ever get me pregnant again. He doesn't want me to be in pain so much to the point where he'd just rather not impregnate me. I can't blame him for being terrified. It's not only the woman who suffers but the man who has to put up with her suffers too! Neither one of us is happy to "put the other through it again" so that's something we'll be struggling with in the future. Nate, as I imagine many men do, feels helpless and extremely frustrated when he can't fix me or make me feel better.

I'm determined and stubborn, it's just that I'm not always quiet about it and I sometimes have to gripe about it to deal with the stress. I can't help but feel envious toward women who can be so active in their pregnancies and immediately afterward. My chronic joint pain and allergies just won't allow me to be as active as I'd like and it's depressing feeling so debilitated at times.

The last time I shared photos I was 23 weeks along and feeling brave because I was in the second trimester and feeling like I had "the glow." So, for the sake of comparison, here I am at 23 weeks.

I am the type of person who tries to find the positive in everything. The silver lining, if you will. After all the griping, I try my best to try to switch gears and look for something to be happy about. Now that you've read all of the negative feelings I've been experiencing, here is something positive. Like I said, I really don't like the way my body looks. Maternity clothing helps to a point, but for the most part, I just haven't found anything that I feel makes me look really nice and pregnant, motherly or feminine.....

Until now.

Maggie Maternity to the Rescue

Thanks to TwitterMoms and their RAMBO alerts, I was awarded the opportunity to blog a review of a maternity dress from Maggie Maternity. I was able to pick the color, size and style so I picked their Summer Sleeveless Maxi Dress. I picked a dress because I've never owned or worn a maternity dress. I normally don't really have many occasions to dress up, but I thought perhaps if I got a dress, maybe we would make an opportunity so I could get all gussied up to feel better. That has still yet to happen, but I have worn this dress to a parent-teacher night at Lucian's preschool so far and then again today to have my photos taken to document the pregnancy. I'm also thinking about wearing it for my upcoming Sprinkle Shower. Another reason I chose the dress is because it's very, very hot in Tucson this time of year and this dress looked like it would be very comfortable in the heat. I was right!

First of all, let me just get the few negative points out of the way. The price of this dress is a bit high-end for my personal budget, but I don't feel it's an unfair price at $75.00 because it's pretty well made and a glorious material. It washes very well and it's simple to hang it to dry. It's probably very affordable for most, but on our modest single income, it just wouldn't be practical for me to spend this much on one piece of clothing that I'll only wear a few times. Perhaps had it been my first pregnancy, knowing for sure I would wear it for another pregnancy later on and with the extra full time paycheck, possibly it could have been affordable. In our current situation though, it just makes sense to buy second-hand for less. Also, when it comes to spending, technology is more of a priority for me than clothing, shoes or makeup. That's just ME. That being said, I am extremely grateful for the opportunity to own a "pricey" new article of maternity clothing. It's a real treat.

The second and last constructive criticism I will give this piece is that I'm a bit disappointed with the bust area. Now, this is not necessarily the fault of the dress-maker because I am large-busted and ALWAYS have trouble with clothing, but I do believe a dress sized at an Extra Large should be equipped with a bit more room in the bust area as women who wear this size do tend to be larger breasted. I probably would have been better fit in a 1X or women's size 16/18 for the cut of the top of this dress. It is really hard to find a bra that will work with this dress because of the way the straps and neckline are shaped. Bras for breasts of my size (currently a 42 DD — and bound to get larger once milk comes in! ugh!) are cut with much larger cups, thicker straps and higher cleavage lines for support. I did manage to find a suitable nursing bra in black with a lower neck line and much thinner straps that wouldn't stick out, but then the sides near the armpit area still showed because of the larger cup size. Also, the stitching under the bust line on this dress could be a little more reinforced due to the weight of the breasts it's meant to support. I found myself tugging a little to get my breasts to fit in the area better and I was afraid of tearing out the stitching. I think if the bust of this style dress could be modified, it would be perfect. As you can see in the photos, my solution was to pair this dress with an unbuttoned blouse to hide the bra from showing. It might even be nice if Maggie Maternity were to design a cute, short-sleeved jacket to go with this dress for those of us with larger arms and bigger bust lines. Those are just my suggestions.

Now, on to the best part.

I have to rave about this dress now and NOT because it was given to me for a review. Honestly, I have to rave because remember all the depressing stuff I wrote about before? When I put this dress on, it really lifts my spirits. All those negative feelings melt away. I feel pretty, feminine and motherly when I wear this dress. The fabric is incredibly soft and keeps me cool and comfortable in the heat. It accentuates my belly bump and makes it look ROUND for a change! I feel like I finally look pregnant while wearing this dress. When I wore it a few weeks ago to our son's parent teacher night at his preschool, I loved the way I looked and felt in it. There was one other pregnant woman there and for the first time I did NOT have belly bump envy!! I actually felt good about the way my belly bump was being "presented" — if you will.

I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but that's how I feel when it comes to dressing up my belly bump. Bellies should be worn with pride and up until now, I haven't felt like I could really do that before. So, with the exception of a few enhancements I would make for larger-sized women, I would definitely recommend this maternity dress to others. It gets TheMacMommy stamp of approval :)

Thanks again, Maggie Maternity for helping me to feel good about my new shape!

See and download the full gallery on posterous

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Pink or Blue?

Well, the results are in! We're having another little BOY! :)

The sonogram went extremely well and he was not shy at all! I was able to see the "turtle" before she even said so! I guess after enough sonograms you sorta kinda get used to recognizing some body parts. I love to see the little hands and feet moving around. I have a thing for baby toes.

I have to say, this was one of the best sonograms I've ever had. Lucian's sonograms were great too, but I don't remember him moving around as much as this little guy does! It was amazing to watch him move. Lucian was always a very mellow baby for which I was extremely grateful! This little guy scares me because I just get the feeling that he's going to be a fearless little firecracker! I don't know how I'll keep up! I suppose I will have to acquire a taste for coffee and be like everyone else on the planet who drinks coffee. I'm hoping perhaps he was hopped up on sugar because I had a piece of banana bread with icing before the appointment. (temporary weakness for sweets)

Our sonogram tech was just awesome. She was so patient, fun and seemed extremely experienced and really enjoys what she does. She took lots of time to explain everything and answer questions. I didn't feel rushed like I normally do during sonograms. I was just so relaxed and pleased with the way she looked at everything and even went back to areas where I had questions.
Nate and Lucian were there and at one point, Lucian had to go potty so Nate had to take him out of the room and missed some of the sonogram. When he got back, she was almost finished but I asked and she let us just watch our baby boy swim around for a little while since Nate had to miss a little of it. It was so great. Lucian was almost interested, but of course he was even more focused on seeing what buttons and switches he could press. There was a lot of "Jeffrey, Jeffrey, stop it Jeffrey, get down Jeffrey, don't touch that Jeffrey." Sigh.

Baby was VERY active and squirming all over the place. He was putting his little hands up to his face and tilting his little head back and side to side. It almost made it hard for the tech to get clear pictures at times. He was really making her work for it!
She said we're on target for the due date and he's within normal size. Only one thing they are going to watch is that I have what is called a "low lying placenta" so they just want to make sure it doesn't turn into placenta previa. We'll have another sonogram around 26 - 28 weeks to make sure the placenta has moved up to it's normal position like 99 percent of all cases do.



I haven't yet gained any weight, in fact I lost a pound. I asked my OB about this and she said it's nothing to worry about. She told me I could actually get away with only gaining five pounds towards the end. So, I'm not going to stress about the weight gain unless it makes my leg hurt. At this point, I'm extremely grateful for the slow weight gain and the extra reassurance that baby is healthy and getting all the nutrients he needs right now.

We were hoping for a little girl, but of course we're happy with another boy that's healthy. I'm slightly relieved because we're already prepared for a boy. It kind of takes the stress out of having to reconfigure things for a girl. We may try again after this, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The joke is that the Davis family comes in sets of three and it's usually two boys and a girl. So, if we feel up to it after this baby, we might try and tempt fate to see if that pattern holds true. I'll be 35 in December so I'm not exactly looking forward to being of "advanced maternal age." I know plenty of people are totally fine with that and I respect that — it's just not what I wanted for myself. I also believe things happen for a reason and that God has an ultimate plan for us so, if I'm meant to have a daughter, it will happen. If I'm meant to be the mother of a little soccer team, than so be it. Boys are cool!

It's kind of funny, I was getting all these girl vibes so I was a little surprised it turned out to be a boy. I won't lie, I was slightly disappointed but more so because my gut feeling was wrong, not because we're having a boy. I don't like being wrong! He just looks so healthy and that's what makes me really happy now. It's just a relief knowing. I suck at surprises because I'm way too nosey.

The other reason that the sonogram was great is because, even though this is the third one, for some reason, THIS is the one that made it real for me. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I think it was the 1st sonogram that made it real for me. I was around 12 weeks along and he was starting to move and I could see him wiggle around on the screen and I was truly delighted.

With this pregnancy, I've been a bit more depressed for various reasons and I was really craving some reassurance that the baby was still alive and surviving and most of all - real. It's not like I was experiencing anything that should make me worry like spotting or cramping, it just didn't seem real or accepted for some reason. (Partly because of the issues I'm still having with my mom.)

It still seems like a dream, but it's so much more realistic to me now. I'm starting to get in the mood for digging out baby stuff and getting certain things set up. Nate of course just says we have time and he's not feeling the kind of pressure I feel to nest. I always worry that if I don't start doing things now while I have the energy, I won't get them done later when I'm distracted and too irritated from being super pregnant.

Already I'm having a hard time getting around and chasing after Lucian because I have a lot of aching in my pelvic joints. (I don't know how else to put it.) The OB says it's perfectly normal because this is my second pregnancy and ligaments aren't as tight as they used to be so baby is resting lowing in my pelvis and causes the aching feeling. I can still get up out of a chair rather quick when I need to, but walking around and standing a lot is not comfortable at all.

I've been getting more tired earlier in the evenings and waking earlier in the mornings so that's a good thing. I just wish I wasn't waking at 3 or 4 in the morning because I feel like I have to pee and then can't get back to sleep. The OB says Tylenol PM is safe to take (as is Benadryl) when I really need it so I'm glad for that. I try my best not to use it if I can help it because I hate putting chemicals in my body that might affect the baby no matter how safe they say it is. Sometimes though, I have to consider the alternatives. Going several days on only 4 hours of sleep each day isn't good for me either. I basically can't sleep much longer than 3 to 4 hours at a time. If I do, it's rare and I take it when I can get it.

I need to be tested for Gestational Diabetes again at around 26 - 28 weeks and I'm nervous that I may have it again. I'm really trying to watch my sugar intake. I can't remember the last time I really craved and ate much chocolate, so that is good. It's the carbs that are my biggest weakness. Being part Italian doesn't help! I have such a penchant for pastas, breads and cereals. I don't keep junk food in the house but I do unfortunately keep too many carbs in the house and that is my comfort food. A bowl of cereal or a bagel or a big plate of pasta is what makes me happy.

So, anyhow, I'm waning but I wanted to get this post out and also take some time to thank all of those who were "Thinking Pink" for us yesterday. I know several people who even wore pink underwear for me!! Even dudes!! So, thank you for your valiant efforts and perhaps next time.

I was feeling so feminine for a while there thinking that I might be having a girl and now I'm tempted to cut these long nails off! It was a nice thought for a while, and I do enjoy embracing my femininity once in a while, but I'm really comfortable hangin with tha boys in my sneakers much of the time so another little boy dude in the house suits me fine :)

Week 18 - Sonogram Today

Today, later this afternoon, we'll get a sonogram that will hopefully reveal the health and sex of our baby. When I was pregnant with Lucian during this part of the pregnancy, he was not willing to let us know he was a little boy for the 18 week sonogram. So, although I'm extremely excited to try to find out what the baby is, I won't be shocked if it decides to be shy. I'll just be agitated and hope we get another sonogram so we can find out later. I have little patience when it comes to this. I'm just too curious. It's not that I hate surprises — I like surprises if anyone can manage to pull them off — but I'm very, very nosey by nature so it usually doesn't work out.

One of the things I know they are going to be watching for is the baby's size. Lucian was a very large baby. If this baby is growing large quickly, it's going to lessen my chances for attempting a VBAC because my OB doesn't think my pelvic size can pass a large baby. Lucian got stuck and she thinks that may have been the cause. Part of the problem was complicated with Gestational Diabetes. I'm not sure when I have to take another glucose test, but I bet it's coming up soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm skeptical that I might have it because some of the symptoms include constant thirst and frequent urination — which I have been experiencing more lately.

It's hard to tell what is pregnancy-related and what is medicine related. I started taking Zoloft about 5 weeks ago to get a jump start on the postpartum depression I experienced last time. My OB suggested I start taking the meds now rather than wait until after delivery. I've always had issues with anxiety and depression so I figured I mind as well try to do something about it now so my kids don't suffer like I did with my own mom. It seems to be helping, but it's so hard to tell.

I went through a rough week a couple of weeks ago when one of my best friends lost her baby pre-term at 20 weeks. It really affected me negatively. I get very emotionally connected to my good friends and when they suffer a loss, I internalize it also. I just really, really hurt for her. It scares me because I just never knew anyone personally who had lost a baby that late in gestation. I know how common miscarriages are in the first trimester, and I kind of accept that, but the second, that really shocked me. It just makes me worry about my own pregnancy a little more than I might have, but I'm trying to relax a little more, especially now that my friend seems to be healing with her loss.

My mom is still not talking to me and that's still very upsetting. I did send her a Mother's day e-card and she acknowledged it to my sister, but she said nothing to me. Basically, I only ever get family updates from my sister now and she tries to be forthcoming and honest even if she knows it will upset me, which I appreciate. I've tried talking to my grandmother about it and she tries to sympathize, but she doesn't really want to get involved because she has her own set of problems with my mom, her daughter.

The female relationships in my family's history are horrible. It goes back as far as my great-great-grandmother. My grandmother's mother died when she was just nine so she was raised by her grandmother and they did not get along at all. My aunt, my grandmother's oldest daughter, left home when she was 16 and they didn't speak for many years. It wasn't until later in life that my aunt and grandmother finally became close again – best friends even. Then she sadly passed away at the young age of 62. My mom and my grandmom barely get along now. They tolerate each other at best. My mom says nasty things about my grandmom and it really makes me mad. I'm really close with my grandmom and I was also close to my aunt. It's mostly my mom that seems to stir the pot, but she'll never admit to that. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Anyhow, had to get that off my chest because it kind of explains why I'm very nervous about finding out if we're having a little girl. I would love to have a daughter, but I'll always be apprehensive about my ability to have a good relationship with her because of my family history. I want to break the negative cycle and I think it's possible because I live out west now, away from the constant negative examples. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law have a great relationship and I'm hoping it's one I can emulate. I have hope and several friends now have made some encouraging comments and that just helps me even more.

I don't know, I think maybe the Zoloft is helping. I'm hoping it will help with my confidence in helping to raise a little girl if that's the case. I'm not constantly being reduced to a puddle of tears at the oddest of times. I also feel a little more motivated now in the morning to get out of bed and get on with the day. For the past 3 nights, I've actually managed to fall asleep before midnight! Of course, then I wake up at 4 am to pee and then I'm up and can't fall back to sleep. But, things seem to be improving sleep-wise and I surely hope it continues!! I also feel a little less anxiety about leaving the house to do activities with Lucian at public places. I've taken him out on my own a little more and I've been feeling more motivated and confident to take him out in general and get out of the house. Now that he's approaching three, his whole world seems to be opening up to more opportunities and I'm feeling I want to embrace it more and more.

So far, I don't think I've gained any weight. It's hard to tell on my scale at home. According to my scale, I've lost a pound or two. I usually weigh myself in the mornings and my OB appointments are usually in the afternoon once I've eaten AND have a full bladder, so we'll see what happens later today. I'm trying not to be overly concerned about it because I'm really only supposed to gain 15 pounds anyhow. So, if I've made it almost half way in the pregnancy and not gained any weight, that's good I guess.

Truth be told, I am terrified of gaining weight. Reason being, the nerve compression in my leg. The more weight that sits on that nerve, the more painful it gets to the point of excruciating. The only solution for the pain is to lose weight. (I've also read about possible surgery and I may consider that later.) That's not really an option for me right now. I've been disappointed in myself for a long time now because I did not keep the weight off from Lucian's pregnancy. I had lost all the baby weight and then some by the time he was six months old, but it was mostly due to stress and being sick all the time because my immune system was compromised by the C-section. In hindsight, I should never have attempted to go back to work in an elementary school of all places. (Huge petri dish for a work environment, despite how much I loved my job.) When I decided to quit my job and work from home, and he started weaning, it all poured back on plus ten more pounds.

I was trying really hard to lose weight before we got pregnant but my problems with insomnia really made that difficult. Also, the joint and muscle pain with fatigue I experience has limited my ability to exercise. Since almost all my immediate family members have arthritis, I assume I must have some form of it. I've had repetitive stress injury symptoms from the time I was in my early twenties. I should have seen a doctor for all of this before getting pregnant, but I had lots of reservations about seeing a doctor. First being, my insurance plan sucked big time. I'm now getting medical assistance so that is no longer an issue, thank God!

It's no secret that the health care system sucks in this country. It's a never ending cycle. I was paying for insurance – the amount we could barely afford — but the policy really only would have helped me in the case of something really drastic, so I've never even picked out a primary care physician since I've lived here. My OBGYN was really the only provider I've ever needed since living here. I even purchased a maternity rider - thinking I was being the responsible American by paying extra for my insurance so that in the event I'd need another C-section, which I know my chances are high, that I would be covered. Well, turns out I got swindled by an insurance salesman who just told me what I wanted to hear when I thought I was asking all the right questions and doing all the proper research before signing on the dotted line. The maternity rider – that I had paid out several thousand dollars for over the course of almost 2 years – was only worth two thousand dollars and would ONLY cover a NORMAL VAGINAL delivery with NO COMPLICATIONS. Yeah, um, that's not me - I'm complicated. So, I had to scramble for a solution to get medical coverage over fear that the mounting medical bills would send us into bankruptcy.

What complicated things with our prior insurance was the fact that Lucian needs eye surgery. So we're potentially facing TWO surgeries before the end of this year. My C-section with Lucian cost around $40,000 dollars. Yes, that's forty THOUSAND dollars and that was when I had good insurance through my employer. We only paid $350.00 out of pocket to have Lucian at the hospital. So, you can imagine the stress I was under thinking how much it was going to cost us between a C-section and eye surgery with the private insurance that carried a hefty deductible plus 20 percent co-insurance!!

Luckily I was able to get Lucian onto KidsCare for a really low premium each month that doesn't carry a deductible and no co-insurance. It's been a major relief that are health insurance is more manageable and now I don't think I'll be so resistant to see a doctor for reasons other than prenatal care.

I did express my concerns about arthritis to my OB and she said the only thing they can test for and possible try to manage is rheumatoid arthritis. So, I may be getting a blood test for that today. Everything else will pretty much have to wait till after the baby is born and possibly after it weans from breast feeding.

One of my fears about seeing a doctor for my problems was that they might try and put me on a treatment plan with drugs that might compromise my fertility. Approaching "advanced maternal age" is not the time you want to be messing with drugs that could cause infertility when you want to have another baby before it's too late. So, I basically put my health on hold until after we're done having babies which, if this baby is a girl, will likely be soon. If it's a boy, we MIGHT try again for a girl. I just don't know how I'll feel. I love being the mom to a boy. It's great and I'm comfortable with the idea of a house full of boys. I'll just have to wait and see how I feel and if I can get over the feeling of wondering what life would have been like having a daughter.

Nate always teases me that they (the Davis family) come in packages of three. His family history is such that there have consistently been families with children in sets of three and most of them two boys and a girl. So, even if this is a boy we're having now, I wouldn't rule out having another just to see if we continue that trend. We'll just have to wait and see how I recover from the delivery and cross that bridge when we get to it.

More and more, I'm trying to learn to live day by day and not get so wrapped up in planning and worrying so much about the future and things I can not control. It's not easy and I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.

Wii I Don't Work Out

CityMama is hosting a contest over on her blog and I want to win the prize because I believe working out should be fun and this sure does fit the profile! To enter the contest, she wants you to blog about your most embarrassing workout story of all time. For me, I have a hard time with that because I don't really "work out." I've never signed up for a gym membership. I too, like CityMama, took dance lessons from kindergarten through high school. I also did the Jazzercize thing when I was a kid. (The Mickey Mouse version, anyone?) I still have leg warmers in my lingerie drawer!

Don't ask me why I still keep leg warmers around, I just think they are still cool and maybe they'll make a comeback and then I'll be cool too. Hell, they probably already have but I'm so not hip enough to notice. I used to collect them along with leotards when I took dance lessons. Oh! and those parachute pants! Remember those?! (leotard — sounds like retard which is how I used to look in one.) Also don't ask me why I have said leg warmers in the same drawer as my lingerie. Maybe because I don't wear either? The lingerie drawer is where things go to die I suppose. Maybe I put them there because I was going to use them as lingerie at one point in time? Maybe I had some convoluted plan to seduce my husband by wearing just the leg warmers and nothing else? Maybe I was going to say something like, "Hey baby, wanna get physical?" ala Olivia Newton John-style. Rug-burn prevention? I haven't a clue. Parenting does that to you.

Anyhow, enough about my retarded legwarmers and my lacking need for lingerie. I want to win a Wii Fit because I need to get my sorry ass in shape. But, I can't really think of an extremely embarrassing workout moment. Something a little amusing does comes to mind though, so I'll give this a shot. The best way I can think of to explain it though is in true web 2.o style by embedding a YouTube video that illustrates my experience.

This sort of happened to me once while I was attempting to do some crunches on the floor. My son tried to nurse on me while I was doing it and it cracked me up because I couldn't work out with him pulling up my shirt trying to get at my boob. Watch this video because it's funnier than I can explain it in words. I hope it makes you laugh. More importantly, I hope it wins me a Wii Fit! Maybe I can "get physical" with my husband and put on those sexy leg warmers again!

(Thanks to the brave woman who put this video out there for everyone to chuckle at!)



Note: This video might not embed properly on my blog and you might have to click something special to see it because it contains a booby shot. When I viewed it, it asked me to confirm that I was 18+. Oooooooh, a booby shot! How exciting! We know how controversial functioning boobies are these days, so don't say I didn't tell you so and don't flame me for posting this on my blog either.

Here is the link in case it doesn't embed on my blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqZCYCUcfGs


I must have boobs on the brain lately since my son is weaning, so there may be more boob-related posts to come. How many more times can I say the word boob? We shall see!

Good luck to all the other participants in the contest and thanks to CityMama for making it possible.

Wii Fit or Bust!
(pun intended)

What's Goin On

Dear Blog & Interwebs,
It's been so long since I've written anything personal here. Sorry if I alienated some friends and family with all of the really geeky stuff, but that's me: Person with Blog, Mom, Nerd. I try to achieve a balance of geeky stuff mixed in with all the mommy stuff and the I'm-so-sick-of-being-fat-and-tired and the my-mother-didn't-let-me-shave-till-I-was-twelve-so-I-need-therapy crap.

I've been busy. Sorry-ass excuses, but they are mine. (and it's my blog, dammit!) There is just not enough time in the day! If I could have maybe another 6 hours, that would be cool. If I didn't have to sleep, I could get so much more accomplished! (I still don't know if I'd use the extra 6 hours to sleep though.)

That's just the attitude that has been getting me into trouble though lately. I know I try to do too much, but I just can't seem to help myself. Literally. I have found myself several times now making a conscious effort to stop doing something for someone else and take more time for numero uno. It's a hard thing for me to do without the constant feeling of guilt or wondering what someone else will think.

I need to start drinking, I think. Everybody else is doin it. (Sometimes I just pour cranberry juice into a wine glass just for the hell of it. Makes me feel like I'm drinking wine like everyone else.)

Insomnia has become a bit of an issue for me. Now I've become preoccupied with trying to find ways to fit in sleep or make it happen a little more easily. Knock wood, but Lucian has been sleeping a bit more regularly lately, but it's still really, really hard for me to fall asleep naturally before 2 am. I try, but I just lay there and my brain won't shut off. I'm afraid of pills, but I've been trying to accept some help from tylenol PM and knock-off ambien when it gets really bad. Yes, I've tried meditation, hot showers, reading, listening to music....and....use your imagination, ahem. Ok, stop that! I take it back! (Just trying to be honest, sheesh!)

This problem has become exacerbated these past few weeks since my husband injured his back again. (more on that later, but first, me, me, me!) That's why I haven't been around on the blog lately. I partly blame Twitter. I don't really mean it that way though. It's just that Twitter is the only thing I've been able to squeeze in lately as far as posting goes. If you want to read my tweets without having to join Twitter, I think you might be able to accomplish that by checking out my Tumblr. Twitter is actually quite a lifesaver for me. I know it sounds really geeky, but being geeky is the only thing I really thoroughly enjoy doing for myself lately. I've been spending more and more little chunks of time becoming immersed in social media online like twitter, ustream, yahoolive, and stickam. It's just the kind of social life I can handle right now. I just have way too many interruptions to be able to commit to anything that requires a lot of focus. I can check in during the kidlet's naptime or late at night when none of my family and friends from back home are awake or conscious. I don't need to shave my legs, get dressed up or leave the house and, wouldn't you know, there are actually other Moms out there just like me with my late night time schedule! (even if they are in different time zones.)

I also like online social media because it keeps me from feeling like I'm holed up inside of a cave. I don't live in the same kind of neighborhood my mom lived in when she was raising me and my siblings. During that time, lots of mothers car pooled and kids had the run of the neighborhood up until the fireflies came out. We live in different times now. The neighborhood I live in is predominately 55 plus. It's nice and quiet, but not a lot of kids around. In order for me to go on play dates, we have to pack up and drive across town. There just aren't that many SAHMs here in my immediate area that I've gotten in touch with. With the price of fuel skyrocketing, it just makes staying home that much more attractive.

Cavewoman, See Me Dwell
I know I need to get outside more often and we do get out and about from time to time. We go outside for a little while almost every day. We have a yard, we just need to get some decent outside toys for him to play with. We used to keep up with our yard, but since having Lucian and now with Nate's back problems, the yard has slipped to the bottom of our priority list. It's a shame too because we're told we have fantastic soil plus we live in an irrigation district where the water bill is less expensive. One day I hope to get a nice garden going. It will have to be at a time when Lucian can help with it. It will be fun.

I can't talk on the phone much during the day because I'm just too busy with Lucian. I can not devote my attention to talking to someone on the phone and that's not fair to the person on the other end. He's very demanding of attention these days and craves constant interaction or play of some form. I don't like him to watch too much tv except for the few educational shows in the morning. The mini-meltdowns usually happen when I'm on the phone if he can't feel like he's participating which usually involves him hanging up on the person who has dared called me. (I have discovered that using 2 phones helps a little.)

Between being an M-O-M and a W-I-F-E, there's just not much time left to be M-E and sometimes I don't even know who M-E is anymore. I'd like to say I'm like Madonna and that I'm constantly reinventing myself, but I figure so long as I remember to put my underwear on the inside of my clothes, or hell, just put on any underwear at all, I'm doing ok! (Bras are totally for going out in public anymore these days.)

B & B (a different kind, sorta)
Speaking of bras and boobs, (no one ever accused me of a good segue or a whole lot of tact) mine are going through a sort of transition.

Lucian is weaning.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Kind of relieved (he'll be terribly-two end of June for crying out loud) but kind of sad at the same time. It's bittersweet. It really is. I've actually tried to start wearing a regular non-nursing bra but it's just not the same. I actually like my nursing bras made by Medela. They are super-comfortable. Hard to explain unless you've tried them. I dread going bra shopping again to try and find something more suitable for my hood ornaments. I have no idea what I want. I don't even want to think about it. I don't even think my boobs qualify as hood ornaments once they've been functional for so long.

Sunday Weigh-In Day
I haven't exactly given up on blogging about my struggles with weight loss, but I haven't exactly posted about it either. For a while, the scale was starting to budge and I was getting excited, but now it's back up to where it's been for a while. I'm stuck at 192 lately. I had gotten down to 189 at one point and I was so excited to be so close to my pre-pregnancy weight. (not my goal weight by far, but baby steps! baby steps!) I've been trying to be really conscious about my diet. We don't keep any junk food in the house except for some dark chocolate and I only have one piece a day if any. I've been trying to ramp up on the protein and fiber and cut way down on the white wheat, sugars and pasta. I'm German, Italian and Irish, it's not the easiest thing to change. I still make pasta with homemade sauce once in a while and yes, I have tried the whole wheat pasta thing, but it's just not the same. We're on such a tight budget, so it's cheap and easy to make and that's hard to contend with.

Misty-eyed
Stress and lack of sleep have been my major issues. So have major allergy attacks for about 2 months. March and April were really shitty for me. I was barely functional for the most part. The vacuum cleaner just stared at me from the corner and I could not get the courage to sweep the floors or do much cleaning at all for fear of disturbing the dust particles. I could barely do much of anything without blowing my nose every 118 seconds. I'm still having episodes once in a while lately. I've been counting the days I have NOT been doped up on OTC allergy meds and the number is less than the times I've been ON the drugs. Since the drugs make me loopy, I don't drive unless I feel lucid enough or need to make a house call for some IT consulting.

If I could achieve the right balance of diet, stress and sleep then I would probably have more energy and motivation to exercise. It seems like as soon as things start looking up in life, I get motivated but then something negative impacts us or some other life event occurs and I stress out and gain the weight back.

I was doing really well last year but then my father-in-law moved in with us temporarily and the stress of Lucian sleeping in our room and not in his own just pushed me into a downward spiral of sleep deprivation and stress. Then my inlaws finally got a place here in Tucson and I was able to finally get Lucian into his own room. That took some transitioning which is still not complete. Lucian is now sleeping in the big bed which means he can climb out and come running into our bedroom at any given time. It's better than we having to hear him crying in his crib, but it still freaks me out sometimes when he comes right up to my head while I'm sleeping and I open my eyes to see this little kidlet staring at me begging to be picked up and put in between us. It's cute, but still very surreal.

When Nate's parent's moved here, he helped them move in and overdid it with his back. My hubby is so helpful, but sometimes so much to the point that he doesn't realize he's done too much. Since then, he's been in constant pain.

It got really bad and we had to take him to the urgent care where they prescribed pain killers, anti-inflamatories and muscle relaxants. He got well enough to manage going back to work although still in much pain. Then, he tripped over a student's backpack and really wrenched his back. Injury on top of injury and he just hasn't been able to bounce back like he has in the past. He was stuck flat on his back for over a week. We all felt pretty helpless as a family. His mom started coming over every day to help out. It got so bad we had to take him back to the urgent care and then to the ER a couple of days later. They prescribed different meds that he's somewhat responding to and now he's on a schedule so he can at least manage going back to work. He can't drive while on the meds plus we all drive stick shift out here and having to work the clutch is too painful for him yet.

Having my mother-in-law here has been great. She is awesome and I don't think I've ever met a more selfless woman than her. But, that alone has put some major performance pressure on me. I do it to myself and I can't help it. She has been nothing but great and I feel unworthy at times in her presence because she's such a kickass lady. She mostly helps to keep Lucian occupied and busy so I can take care of Nate and the house work and also do my freelancing. She's been taking care of my baby while I've been taking care of hers and it's really been a humbling experience. I can only hope she thinks I'm doing an ok job as a wife to her son. It's not like she doesn't support me or tell me, I just feel like I'm not good enough because she seems to give up so much more of herself than I do.

So, more stress. More insomnia. More worry about my broken husband sleeping on the floor while I sleep in our bed. Alone. For over a week. It's a constant struggle to keep Lucian from jumping on Daddy because he wants to play and doesn't understand why he can't play rough like he's used to.

Nate has been sleeping back in our bed lately, either in pain or doped up on pain killers. Not exactly romantic. Sometimes he still has to lay flat on the floor to get comfortable.

He got his MRI last Monday. His primary care physician said that the MRI report was "highly abnormal" and advised him to follow up directly with a neurosurgeon. So, that's what we've done and we're awaiting a call back this week to see what needs to happen next. I've been doing my best to be an bitch advocate for his health by keeping on top of the phone calls and follow ups and asking lots of questions. If you're not bitchy aggressive or proactive, nothing gets done, they won't call you back and you won't get an appointment in your lifetime. At least that's the way it feels anyhow. I'm a type A/control freak just trying to be helpful because I feel helpless for my husband who is in agony. It seems like the doctors and health care staff are clueless at his PCP's office. They have horrible call-in hold music and sometimes you wait and wait and then get disconnected. They say they will call you back but seldom do. Having been in the office I can see why; it's a friggin zoo in there. His health insurance is an HMO provided by the school district. I don't really need to go into further explanation about why that sucks, now do I?

Currently, he is taking it day by day and has been back at work for the past week. We've all been getting up at the crack of dawn each morning (after I've managed to pass out for a few hours) and I get us all packed up and drive all three of us to drop him off near his class room. Then we head over to his parents' place (which is 5 minutes away from his school) and hang out there for the remainder of the day till about 2:30 when I go pick him up while Oma watches if Lucian is still napping.

It's nice being at Oma & Opa's place because there is lots for Lucian to play with. They have a great back yard. For the time being, my sister-in-law's dog, a Siberian Husky, is living with them and Lucian just adores him. There is also lots of stuff he can get into trouble with though and since they just recently moved in, it's not exactly baby-proofed. Just recently I discovered that he knows how to lock the bathroom door (along with all of the other doors.) That's got to be baby-proofed because it's not a matter of if but when.

He gets lots of play time and attention from Oma and I take that opportunity to make business calls for my freelancing as well as calls to the doctors. I get some bits of geek time in, but it's usually spent trying to organize my hard drive, clean out my email, twitter and research information and learn new things about technology to stay current so I can help my clients when they need it.

Speaking of clients, I've also been busy making house calls, which is great. It's a bit of a seasonal job, so I have to take all the calls I can and of course, it all happened last week while Nate was at his worst. We got through it though and it was a nice break for me to get out of the house and go interact with other adults.

So, that's the latest. Now you are up to speed for the most part. Of course, the biggest stress for me now is the huge question mark hanging over our heads regarding our summer travel plans. Our original plan was to leave for PA on June 1st and stay out east with family and friends for the entire summer and return end of July. My little brother is getting married on 6/7/8 and since I missed my little sister's wedding while I was pregnant, I was hoping to not miss my brother's wedding also. Lucian turns 2 end of June so we were hoping to have a nice birthday party for him at my parents'. We had all but made up our minds to drive out so that we would have our own car to drive whenever/wherever we want. We were going to drive up to Boston to spend some time with Nate's brother and wife and we were even considering driving down to VA to see my college roomie.

All that is just up in the air until we know more about what the neurosurgeon might say and that's IF we can get an appointment or some answers in the near future. It also depends on how Nate feels about sitting in a car for prolonged periods of time. All in all, it's not looking really hopeful and we're just not sure what to do at this point. We don't know if he'll be a candidate for surgery or if he'll need to remain on the pain killers for a prolonged period of time. We just don't know and not knowing is really hard for Capricorns like us who like to plan and have goals to work towards.

I'll try to get back into blogging when I can. I'm also considering posting shorter but more frequent posts that are more stream of consciousness instead of these long diary-like passages. Something in between a tweet and a blog post. Since you can only type a maximum of 140 characters in Twitter, I'm really trying to train myself to write less. In order to write a blog post like this, sometimes it can take me days till I post it because it is so difficult to stay focused long enough. I have to keep leaving it in draft because there are constant interruptions and higher priorities. Sometimes I swear I'm going to break the hinges on my laptop for as much as I have to open and close the lid. I can not simply just leave it unprotected or else Lucian will mess with it. Ever since he spilled diluted apple juice on it, I've been even more guarded.

So, bear with me as I try to find more ways to get a little more me time worked in and hopefully I'll be able to get more content on here and out of my draft folder and notes section. I have many more topics planned for the very near future.

Sunday More or Less

Sunday Weigh-In Day
Finally! The scale has budged! Let's get the ugly part over with though, shall we? I now weigh 191 lbs. That's down a couple of lbs. from the last post so that's a good thing. I still don't have the motivation to "exercise" like I was but I have been controlling my eating habits a little more than last time. I know what I need to do to lose weight but it's so frustrating that I just don't have the will-power to actually hunker down and just do it and stick to it. I know that if I got more sleep, I would lose weight. I know that if I ate more protein and fiber I would lose weight. I know if I cut out the sugar, I would lose weight. I know, I know, I friggin know so why don't I do it?

“You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know." — Oscar Wilde

Is food really that addicting? I know it's a dumb question and I'm smart enough to know the answer. I know it's all about lifestyle change. I hate lifestyle changes just as much as the next person. I wish I could embrace it better. I've changed my life so much in the past decade that it just kind of makes me feel exhausted to change yet one more thing. Can't I just be good enough as I am? No, because the way I am is not good. I'm unhealthy. I know I can be improved. I've just lost track of what version this is. Melissa 30 point 3 build 030208? It's like I keep reinventing myself. Maybe that's why I'm so friggin tired all the time. It's like my old struggle to quit smoking years ago. Well, at least I can actually type that. Wow. I don't think I ever did that before. I'm feeling brave now so I'll just go with it.

Smoke and Mirrors
I used to smoke. I used to smoke a lot. I smoked for almost 15 years. I struggled with that addiction for so long and tried to quit several times. I wasn't just a casual smoker either although I was a bit of a closet smoker. There are many people who know me that probably never knew I smoked or would be shocked to find out about it. Oops, oh well. Get over it. I'm trying to.

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then" — Lewis Carroll

It was something I was never proud of and tried my best to hide it as much as I could. I smoked menthol lights. There was even a time when I smoked regular old New Ports. Yuck. Well, thank God for interventions like getting pregnant. I hate to put it that way, but it's the truth. I so thought I was going to be one of those people who prepares for having a baby by losing weight and getting in shape and and changing for the better. But, it just wasn't me. After watching so many of my close friends struggle to conceive, I didn't want to focus so much on getting pregnant to the point of driving myself nuts with trying to conceive. I thought it was best to just go about life as normal and just assume that it wouldn't happen for a while. Well, I guess that plan worked because we got pregnant right away.

I absolutely hate to admit this, but I smoked for the first couple of weeks before I knew I was pregnant or sure. I was in denial for the longest time. Then when I did know, I still smoked very lightly and hated myself for it every day over a couple of weeks until I quit for good. I wish I could have just quit cold turkey, but I think the way I did do it was maybe better for the baby even though it all just sounds wrong. I basically cut down and weaned myself off of it gradually. I begged the OB for a prescription for one of those patch programs but she said that was worse for the baby than actually smoking. That blew my mind. They also said that while they strongly advised quitting was the best thing that going cold turkey might not be the best thing for me. I thought that was shocking advice as well, but it did make sense to me. I was afraid that if I just up and quit cold turkey that I might not stay quit. I had to do it for me, not just for the baby. So, I gradually cut down and basically went through a process until finally, I just said enough, I've done this for far too long, I had my fill, this is the last time and it's the first day of the rest of my life as a non-smoker. I haven't picked one up since.

It's a wonder my child is so healthy. I felt so guilty and worried about it in the beginning thinking I had damaged him. I'm just really thankful I had the sense to quit when I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Now my biggest fear is ever getting hooked on it again. I have serious doubts I would though because I'm so repulsed by it now. Some of my husband's family members smoke and if I even get a whiff of it, I try to grab Lucian and get him as far away from it as possible. I know I can't protect him from every danger out there, but right now, I just don't even like it that he sees someone smoking. I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with this, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

There are times when it's a little sketchy though. It's one of the reasons why I rarely drink anymore. I used to smoke and drink casually with my husband and family and there are times when I really miss it. When I met my husband and got married, I had already toned it down a lot from before. Beer, wine and cigarettes just went so good together for me way back when. Back when I was putting myself through college and partying with bikers on the weekends. I used to ride motorcycles too. I actually took a course, passed and got my motorcycle license. (I passed it with colors if you count the black and blues from dropping the bike a couple of times! Tip, don't put your keys in your pocket and then land on that side.) I even had a 750 Virago with a purple gas tank that my ex fixed up for me. I think I drove it 2 or 3 times. It was too much bike for me though. I laid it down in a gravel parking lot once and that wasn't fun so I decided not to pursue being the driver and stuck to being the passenger. Then that ended when my ex totaled the bike on his way to work. That was also the beginning of the end of that relationship too, so it was all for the best.

Quitting smoking also plays a part in my struggle to get out and be social. I have no problem wanting to go on play dates – that's safe, but going out with some girlfriends for a drink is another story. I'm afraid of going to bars because I'm afraid I'll loosen up too much and make poor decisions like smoking so I just avoid it right now. It's been over 2 years since I quit smoking, but I still don't think I'm ready to be around alcohol and smokers at a public bar. It's probably just better that way. I'll stick to my computer habit, thankyouverymuch.

Time May Change Me, But I Can't Trace Time
Anyhow, I did manage to get a little more shuteye here and there, just a tiny bit. Alright, maybe I didn't, but I think about sleeping a lot more now. Lucian is starting to sleep a little more solid now that he's in his own room. There are still a couple of nights where he is restless and I know as soon as I try to nod off, he'll be awake and won't go back to sleep. So, part of my sleeping problem is still that I anticipate him waking as I want to go to sleep.

I think I've also discovered why I have so much energy at night instead of during the day. Of course, duh, because when the boys go to sleep, that is the only time of the day when I can work without distraction! I can actually get some house cleaning done, fit in some freelancing, blogging and other "me time" activities that I just can not do when Dr. Destructo (Lucian) is awake and on the loose. I get to feeling trapped in my own home sometimes because I have to stop what I'm trying to do either for myself or the house or the hubby and focus on the child. I know I should be grateful and this time will not last, but sometimes it's just a real challenge because I have to separate myself from things I want to do for me and for us and put it off for another time. I've been struggling with time management lately. I just admire other people who can really pull it off. I guess I just have to stop being so hard on myself and just realize that Rome was not built in a day in just let things go a little more.

I have also kept up with my water intake and this past week I've really tried hard to ramp up on protein and fiber. It seems to have worked so I hope I can keep riding this positive reinforcement. I'm thinking that maybe instead of beating myself up so much about not exercising, maybe what I need to do it try to lose a couple more pounds just with diet control and then maybe that will enable me to get more motivated to exercise more. I'm staying pretty active as much as I can. I've done a few house calls and work at the clinic. We've had some running around to do this past week and it involved getting up and out of the house crazy early, so that has helped out a lot too.

As for food, having deli meat and hard boiled eggs at the ready to snack on is helping too I think. My biggest weakness is the carbs. I'm part Italian, so I was raised on carbs. We had pasta every Sunday and lots of bread so I'm just so programmed to want to eat that way all the time. It is a real struggle for me to resist carbs when I want to snack. So, I've been trying to eat more meat in the process. It's not easy since I'm really not a big meat eater. I'm not a vegetarian, but I could live without red meat if I had to. Although I do love roast beef. I also need to concentrate on eating more frequently. I go too far in between without eating and I'm sure that is not good for my metabolism.

I'm also trying to be much more conscientious about the kind of food we keep in the home. This is a little difficult because Hubby likes to spoil us with his cooking and some of it can involve some very rich foods that might taste really really great, but they just aren't good for our waistlines. Since he does most of the cooking (and the grocery shopping), this is going to be a challenge. He likes to indulge in things and enables my bad habits without realizing it. (Hubby, are you reading this? I l love you, but you spoil me rotten sometimes!) Just last week, I resisted the urge to get tater tots like we normally do. I replaced them with veggies in one meal I cooked. Hubby wasn't too happy about it. I don't know if I'm cut out for this tough love thing. I think I'm going to suck at it. We'll see.

I said so. There. hmmmmm

Booger Patrol is Slacking Off
I even finally managed to take Lucian to our first 'play date!' That was pretty cool. I met another Mom from Myspace, of all places, and we finally got to calling each other and I went to her house for the first time. We've been exchanging letters and notes since last year, but I just haven't gotten motivated to call her and finally she called me and we chatted for a while. Then I was out running errands and decided to call her and see if she wanted to get together. She invited us to her place. It was cool, she's very easy going and her kids are adorable. Her house is not immaculate, so that made me relax about my house not being so perfect either. I now feel more comfortable and might invite her and her kids out to my place soon. The only problem is I don't have any yard toys yet.

The other issue I have is with Lucian's demeanor. My child is sooo mellow compared to other kids. And, I happen to LIKE IT THAT WAY! This new friend's kids are really energetic and I'm not yet sure how to act around them. Lucian played with them just fine. He wasn't shy at all. I just fear that he will start to get more and more aggressive as I start introducing him to playing with more and more kids. I'll start wondering where he learned how to hit or pinch or bite. Not looking forward to that at all.

There is also the germ factor that I'm not looking forward to. Every kid has a runny nose or crusty boogers it seems. Now that he's older and I can't get him to sit still for the Booger Police like I used to, he's got crusty boogers too. Lovely. My kid is now a snot-nosed brat. I wish it weren't true, but those boogers, they just seem to find their way of creeping out and hanging on. Since he's not as attached to my body as he used to be, the boogers seem to win more and more.
Why oh why has someone not invented a giant hamster ball for toddlers? Why? Is it really that hard? I mean, there could be a little door to put food in there and maybe mount a sippy cup in there. C'mon? What's the hold up here people? Look! They make one for big people!

Well, as usual, I am rambling. I know I had so many other things I wanted to post about, but those thoughts have also gone somewhere to die in my brain only to swim around later when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I know I want to blog more about technology and some of the projects I'm working on, but I'm just not ready post without doing a little more research first. I suppose I will just try to dream about it for the time being and hope to get the focus and motivation I need to post it sooner than later. Maybe I need to get me one of those giant hamster balls to run around in!

I think I'll end here with one more quote I really like. It kind of says it all to me without being and excuse to slack off either. It helps me to forgive myself when I'm just trying to do the right thing.

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." – Friedrich Nietzsche

Does This Blog Make My Butt Look Fat?

Whine and Cheese Go Together
Maaann (insert whine) is it Sunday already? Today kind of evaporated for me. I didn't even remember to weigh in this morning. For some reason it just didn't feel like a Sunday for me. Yep, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! I'm not even going to grace this entry with a Sunday Weigh-In header or pic link. Just the thought of a scale pisses me off right now. Does that mean that this blog topic is counter-productive? I have been extremely unmotivated lately. I haven't been sticking to my dance-around-the-house-like-a-crazy-person routine. I've just felt too blah and achy lately.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Husband
Part of the other problem has been Hubby's herniated disk flared up on him. I think it might be a result of the pressure he's under to take these damn 12 credit courses for NCLB. It's been putting a strain on our whole little family but we're doing the best we can to be supportive because that's what marriage and family is all about. So, I've had 2 boys to take care of. Not that Hubby can't take care of himself, but he's usually a real team player when it comes to keeping the house from total chaos to the point where I can't handle it, but with him being down and out this past week, the house kept throwing up on itself and I felt like it would never look livable again. Today we kicked some butt getting the kitchen cleaned, floors vacuumed and laundry put away. Yay for us! Such an accomplishment. Hubby is slowly getting back to being more functional but it's slow going and frustrating for everyone — especially him. He still can't drive so I'll have to take him to work and pick him up, but maybe it will get my ass out of the house. I wish I had more patience for him and it makes me even more frustrated that I don't because he has endless patience. I wish I could take care of him the way he's taken care of me.

The thing that really gets me down is that it all just shouldn't be so much of a challenge to keep the house in order or to want to care for my ailing husband more than I do. I just feel so tapped out lately. I should be able to do this all on my own without asking for help.

I should be able to vacuum wearing a plastic pearl necklace and high heels from Payless™ at the very least!

It just seems like it's a never ending vicious cycle and sometimes I just feel like I'd rather hide from the housecleaning and veg out on the computer every chance I get. Which is basically what I did last week. I just said to hell with the house, but after a while, I got sick of washing dirty dishes one at a time on an as needed basis. It also didn't help that the kitchen sink drain was clogged for 2 days and we couldn't run the dishwasher either. I was soooo tempted to use paper plates but I'm married to a science teacher, remember? That would not have been a very environmentally- nor economically-friendly decision now would it?

600 Pound Gorilla in Stirrups
I've been very anxious and angry lately. I went in for my yearly "lady checkup" need I say more. Well, that just made things worse. I was seen by a nurse practitioner whom I hadn't been seen by before. The one I really like was booked on the day I scheduled the appointment, but at the time I didn't care because you know, once you've had a baby, lady parts are lady parts and so many people (nurses, doctors, janitors, drummers — oh wait, that was back in high school) have seen them I don't care much anymore who does my annual exam.

Gimme a 3-foot long Q-tip and a banana clip and I'll do it myself, I don't care.

Anyway, so I discuss my various questions with the nurse, blah blah blah and we get to the part where I discuss with her my feelings of anxiety and my problems with insomnia. I kind of expected to hear, oh, it's all a normal part of adjusting to life as a stay at home mom and being a new mother, you're fine, do this, do that, maybe go back on the Zoloft at half the dosage.

(I don't know why, but the voice I hear in my head when I write quotes about someone saying something is many times Edie McClurg. Does that happen to anyone else or is it just me?)

I guess that was asking too much. Long story short, I walked out of there feeling pretty crappy about myself. It turns out I'm not only fat, I'm also crazy too. It was recommended to me that I "seek counseling" and that my problems are "beyond normal separation anxiety" and this is "something else and you need to see someone about it."

Oh, and she didn't call me "fat" — of course a nurse wouldn't use that term. No, she said — in reference to me discussing some other issues — "well, when you're heavy, sometimes..."

Heavy. There's a new word. I've been overweight and big-boned, but never, never heavy. That stung. And then, just to lay the icing on the rich and creamy chocolate frosted cake I would so love to shove my fat face into right now, I asked about staying on prenatal vitamins and if there were any disadvantages to doing so because my husband and I would like to start trying for another baby in October. First, she said, as she was checking my breasts for anything unusual, "no, the prenatal vitamins are good, stay on them, there's no danger in staying on them" and then in her next breath she raised her eyebrows at me and in a condescending voice said "but I really don't think you're ready to have another baby, not after what you just told me, it doesn't sound like you're ready."

My heart sank. It's bad enough I beat myself up about whether or not I'm ready for another baby - after the horrible and horrifying experiences I had with my first pregnancy and delivery, I really do not need any help in adding to that self doubt and fear.

But, there it was, the bonus of this particular office visit. As if the generous amounts of lube and scraping of my cervix weren't enough. It seemed like the gift that just kept on giving. I felt like the the dejected loser walking away from a game of Wheel of Fortune Teller where that announcer guy tells you about the prizes you get to take with you for playing.

Drink more Ovaltine? WTF?
So, I think you get the point. I feel shitty and I'm sorry this blog post is so depressing. I'm sure I'll find some way to bounce back. I usually do. I am considering going to see a counselor, but I'm not sure what good it will do. I've been in therapy before when I was a teen. I know which way the revolving door swings. (That there was in the voice of Eeyore, just so you know.)

I dread making an appointment because due to our lovely health care system, I can't just look in the phone book for Quacks-r-Us pick up the phone and make an appointment. First I have to pick a primary care provider which I haven't done in the 4 years I've lived here because I procrastinated (shocking, I know) and when I was pregnant, my OBGYN was my PCP. Next, I have to make an appointment as a new patient and probably get a physical. And, just who is going to watch my kid while this happens? Then, that doc will have to write me a referral to a psychiatrist or "therapist" and then I'll have to make an appointment to talk to that person. Probably repeatedly where I'll have to talk about my mother. And what a friggin joy THAT will be. Then I'll need regression therapy. Again, I ask, who will watch my kid while this takes place? Oh and how much is it going to cost in co-pays and prescriptions each month?

Where is that damn whine I asked for? Maybe I should drink some and watch Dr. Phil. Better yet, maybe I should click on the phishing links the spammers send me about free medication! Yeah! That's it!

Send me some Viagra. I would so much rather have priapism than this right now.

Well, hopefully my next post will be something more interesting. I'll try posting next about my adventures in converting an AOL Contact List into an Apple Address Book! That will be fun!

Pass Me the Sunday with Sprinkles

Sunday Weigh-In Day
Not much to report. I've been a slacker. Haven't been too motivated with much of anything lately. I think it's hormonal. That's what I feel like blaming it on for now. Zits are annoying. Why couldn't I have gotten this out of the way in my teens like everyone else? I was such a nerd then (and now) anyhow so it's not like I would have missed out on anything additionally. I pissed God off at some point and now the zit on the side of my nostril is a reminder. Hubby jokes at me to put Windex on it. One of these days I just might get desperate and try that. Lovely. I've now blogged about zits. What is the world coming to? Current weight is 194 lbs. Measuring tape is still cringing in a corner somewhere. Another half pound crept back on. I think it hitched a ride in with the damn Cheesecake kisses that still taunt me inside the refrigerator door.

Hubby read blog. Hubby too afraid to hide chocolate from Wifey now. Hubby wise man.

The laundry, the unvacuumed floor, the dishes, they can all kiss my ass. PMS - pissed mommy snaps!
What's your vote for what PMS really stands for?

Valentines Day Marketing is Evil

Sunday Weigh-In Day
I love my husband. He is such a sweet guy, but he is not helping when it comes to losing weight. How do I tell him to stop bringing things into the house that throw me off my game? Do I blog about it and hope he reads it? Hmmm. Maybe.

Sweetie, I love you. But could you stop buying soda and candy for the next couple of months? If it's here in the house, I'm weak and I'll eat it. — Thanks, Love Wifey.

How about, if I lose 20 lbs., then you can spoil me and lavish me with chocolate. That would be cool.

I still think you're Super Hubby and you rock!

So here's the thing. Valentines Day marketing is pure evil. Why? Because men like my husband are drawn to the damn candy stands like moths to a flame because they know we can't turn down chocolate and it will make us happy. They know that if they come home with chocolate, they done good right? Um, yeah, maybe if their wife is Jessica Simpson. (don't they wish) (ok, I speak for myself.)

We can't complain because then they'll never buy us chocolate again, right? Plus we get that heavy breathing of "well, for Pete's sake woman, what WILL make you happy!??"

Then you end up like me, sitting here eating Hersheys Chocolate Kisses filled with cheesecake. Not just ANY old cheesecake either. We're talkin' New York Cheesecake. Yeah, my Hubby knows how to pick a good chocolate, huh. I'm a spoiled brat.



It's heavenly. Take my word for it. Don't buy any. They are sin wrapped in chocolate. Did I mention they are also filled with New York Cheesecake? Did I mention they are Limited Edition?

So now that I've made this dramatic introduction, on with the stats.

This morning (er, afternoon by the time I remembered to get on the scale.) I weighed 193.5 lbs. I gained 2 lbs. back. Big shocker there. I've been slacking off the last few days on the work out routine too but I have been busier and getting out of the house more, so that's a plus. So, I will just have to work harder this week. Much harder so I can reward myself with a cheesecake kiss.

Hubby, please hide the bag! Help!

Is It Sunday Already?

Distraction 101
Well, I just got done spending some time reading some of my favorite blogs and then some others and then some others. I swear, this can not be good for people with ADHD. I'm beginning to wonder if I have it. I can not focus on one single thing at a time it seems. I'm wondering just how far I'll get into writing this post before I get interrupted and go do something else. Right now I'm resisting the urge to put in some cool text link to something else, but that would just make the problem worse for anyone who has the same problem as me who reads blogs. [edit: urge too strong, must do some linky linky]

I wish I could be a cool and hip blogger like some of these other sites I see out there on the Wor-eld Wiiiiide Web. Again, resisting the urge to plug other sites. Stay focused....read MY blog dammit! Comment on MY blog for once. Jeesh! How do people get so many comments? I don't have any prizies to give out, no give-aways, no crack here, sorry. But if you do happen to read me and would like to leave a comment, it would really put a smile on my face.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll keep this blogging thing up. Sometimes it reminds me of when I was a kid in school and how I wasn't popular and didn't wear the right clothes. One of these days maybe I will take a look at the code for my blog layout again, but right now it's a struggle to even go to the bathroom by myself let alone get a shower in until Hubby comes home. There is this little person, Dr. Destructo, following me everywhere who is now fascinated with the toilette and what goes on in the bathroom. It was cute but now it's kind of annoying. I feel a little helpless about the whole potty training thing we're about to embark on since I don't have the right equipment and all.

If I get the time to tweak my blog then maybe I'd rather tweeze my eyebrows instead? I need to cut a swath on my forehead soon. We'll see. In the meantime, I have to remind myself that this is something I do for me. I have to wonder how many bloggers blog for themselves and how many do it sheerly because they want the notoriety. (I can tell you I do it just to type words that I don't really know how to spell so I can use the cool two-finger tap on my trackpad that brings up the spell check list and tells you how that word is supposed to be spelled. Thanks! Now I know how to spell notoriety!) I guess there are many reasons and the beauty of it all is that they are all right no matter how you slice it, code it, source it, link it, feed it, etc.

Sunday Weigh-In Day
Ok, ok, time to get down to the business of this post. Today is Sunday Weigh-In Day. [Well actually, it's now TUESDAY and I'm trying to get caught up from all the blogging I started to do on Sunday. I did! I really did start this post on Sunday!]

I am happy to report that my digital scale is responding nicely to the new 9v battery I put into it and it now reports that I weigh 191.5 lbs. So that means, since my 1st post on this topic I have lost 3.5 lbs! Wahoo! I'll take it.

I could get up off my fat ass right now and go get my measuring tape and measure myself, but I've decided that I should stick to staying focused on finishing this post and not distracting myself right now. Besides, I don't think that 3.5 lbs is going to make much of a difference in measurements. When I get up to 5 lbs. lost then I think maybe we'll take a look and see.

Whew, ok. Well, that feels good to report that this week. I was really worried that I wouldn't have lost any weight since I got struck with a flu bug or cold last week. I was in no mood to exercise and then right after I started to feel better, it was 'that' time of the, well you know. Oops, I'm sorry, TMI? Too bad, my blog, my rules!

But, I must say, despite feeling crampy and lethargic, I did manage to get a good walk in on Wednesday to replace my normal dance-around-my-living-room-like-a-crazy-person-every-other-day-regimen. In fact, since (last) Tuesday, we've had a really really great week so far. (The weekend and Monday I was laying low and feelin lowly while covered in kleenex – the lotion kind that keep your nose from getting raw. Thanks to Super Hubby for getting them for me and taking such good care of me!

Well, I have more to post about, really I do! But, I'm going to end here for this one and break it up a bit and hopefully get the rest out in the next day or two.