RIP iTunes macOS app

Now that Catalina has been released, I felt it was time to take a moment to note the passing of iTunes. Lots of people hated iTunes. I didn't necessarily hate it for my own personal needs, but I did see and experience the frustration many had with its "bloated" interface. I've always struggled to support it out in the field when working with my clients trying to teach them how to get a handle on their ever-increasing data and media needs. It was a pretty busy app on the Mac so I look forward to the change.

Since the macOS iTunes app is getting chopped up into separate pieces...err...um...apps, I made this spooky graphic for fun to note the change. It's almost Halloween so it's based off a well-known horror flick. If my kids should ever read my blog for fun in the future, I wonder if they'll get this reference.

Yes kids, it was a super cheesy movie and this is a super cheesy post!

RIP iTunes macOS app. We knew you well.

That Time I Made Bart Laugh and Choke On His Beer

I have been friends with Bart Busschots for a long time now. I love to make him laugh and I've been wanting this very moment for a long, long time and it has finally arrived...at 56 minutes and 24 seconds in to this video podcast I contributed to for British Tech Network.

video: http://www.britishtechnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/BIG_270616.m4v

Click below to watch their video and listen in as Ewen loses it and Bart chokes back his beers. Poor Jeff manages to recover it for us, almost.

Check out original show notes here: http://www.britishtechnetwork.com/big/molten-salt-is-my-new-safe-word
Thanks to Ewen Rankin for inviting me on the The Big Show with Jeff Gamet, Paul Wright, Chris Campion, and Bart Busschots who allow me to not behave myself.

explicit
Tap or click the play button in this player to view the show.




Maybe I enjoy it just a little too much?

My Adventures With The GMen On MyMac Podcast Epsiode 524

What did I get myself into with Guy and Gaz on
"MyMac Podcast 524: Bend it like Beckham"

Check out original show notes here: http://www.mymac.com/2014/09/mymac-podcast-524-bend-it-like-beckham/

Tap or click the play button in this player to listen to the show.

You're Shipping Me

I Just Shipped My Mom

My kids know how to crack me up and I especially lose it when sleep-deprived.

We get such a giggle from this KMart commercial. They don't understand the double entendre so that makes it just that much more hilarious to me.

Happy [early] Mothers' Day

Enjoy a giggle, it's on us.

Melts My Heart

This past weekend, Lucian said something that just melted my heart and I never want to forget it.

Nate and I were getting ready to go out on a date, thanks to our friends to offered to babysit for us. We have been trying to "date" more regularly now because, well, it's good for us. When you have little kids, it's really hard to find time for yourself let alone with your spouse. It feels good to take time out to shave, dress up and apply makeup or perfume once in a while.

I was sitting on the edge of our bed putting my earrings on. I had just finished most of my hair, makeup and put on some new scented moisturizer. I was feeling pretty decent about the outfit I had picked out.

Lucian was standing in the doorway staring at me. Sometimes he stares off into space like we all do, but this time he was watching me intently.

I looked over at him after a little while and he said to me,

"Mommy, I'm staring at your because you look so beautiful! And you smell so gooooood!"

Doesn't that just make you melt? I told him thank you very much and that his compliment made me feel so good.

He truly is the little boy of my dreams.

Then, Keagan barged into the room and proceeded to claw at my top and demanded to be nursed. That child has not met any cleavage he didn't like! Ah well, he won't always be a boobie boy — someday he'll wean and I'll miss it or he'll chase other girls around! I suppose I'm doing them a favor? ;)

I love to be needed and I love to be loved.

A few other little things of note from Lucian are some words he's made up that I think are just too cute.

(1) He calls hand sanitizer "hanitizer." Makes sense to me!
(2) I asked Lucian to get a pizza out of the upright freezer out back (yes, we keep our freezer, washing machine and dryer outside of the home here in the desert where those things just heat up the house unnecessarily!)

When he came back in, he said,

"Mommy, I brought the pizza in from the freezerator."

Freezerator — get it? Freezer that looks like a refrigerator = Freezerator.

Yep, that's my Lucian!

What's Better than Betty White?

Betty White WITH Abed and Troy.

This put a smile on my face and an ohrwurm in my head.
Enjoy!

Got Junk in Your Drawers?

You have a dirty mind.

And evidently so does someone living in this house or an old roommate who has left a thing or two behind. Ahem.

No, I'm not excluding myself.

So I was cleaning out a junk drawer this evening -- what? You only have ONE?! -- and I discovered some magnetic poetry. You know -- the kind you can put on your fridge where they are individual magnets with words on them?

Now that I'm a parent I see things very differently. When I discovered this box of magnetic words I immediately thought, "Cool! I can use this as a learning tool for when the boys start reading words. Wouldn't it be fun to put sentences together on the fridge?"

Well -- it turns out there is the regular version and then there is an adult version. Yeah. Sure -- words like 'leg' or 'moist' or 'stroke' seemed innocent enough. Then words for other body parts started showing up.

One word rhymes with banana split and another one rhymes with double click.

Somehow two sets got mixed together and ended up scattered in the bottom of a junk drawer.

While it would be totally fun to put a scandelous message on the fridge for dear Hubby to see -- my luck we'll forget to take it off before Lucian learns to read and then we'll have some 'splainin to do!!

So, um, yeah -- I don't have the patience right now to sit and sort through all 300 little magnets to make a kid-friendly version and a beer fridge version so I'm putting them back in the junk drawer. Now that I've blogged this I can only hope we remember to think twice before attempting to play with them next time we host a playdate at our home!!

I can just see it now: "oh look! magnetic words! Ummm, Mrs. Davis, what's this word mean? Is it some kind of playdoh made from dill pickles?"

Beware of the junk drawer!

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Hapee Face

So I'm at the OBGYN for a checkup and I had to, um, you know -- make a "contribution." Lucian was with me in the ladies room and, well, I had to try and keep him entertained so after I wrote my name and DOB, he asked for the marker and, well, there you have it…

… this is the very first happy face he has ever drawn.

I guess your kid's artwork can show up just about anywhere.

If only I could have seen the look on face of the person collecting the sample. I can only **hope** they heard me giggling and talking to my child through the wall. I just can't bear the thought of them thinking it was me who drew it!

Hapee Thoughts

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Ring A Bell For Baby

Another Belly View Movie :)

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Living With Gestational Diabetes

A day in the life.
Lucian likes to help Mommy put a test strip in the meter.

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

Belly-Eye View

Posted via email from TheMacMommy

AMA on Health Care

Just for Laughs

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on
the President's new health care package ....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but
the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The
Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new Face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the
Cardiologists didn't have the Heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire
decision up to the Assholes in Washington.

Week 19 - Thoughts

Thoughts

Couldn't take it any more. Bit all my nails off. Now I can type even faster! I'm sure they'll grow back with the pregnancy hormones.

I'm a little nostalgic thinking about how nice it would have been to be expecting a little girl so I could keep fantasizing about doing cute little girly things like painting our toenails together and teaching her how to put on makeup. I don't like that I feel that way, but I'm just being honest. I have mixed emotions I suppose. I also suppose it's all completely normal so while I feel a tad bit guity for having these feelings, I don't necessarily feel it's wrong.

I'm still very happy we're having another little boy and I still see more benefits to having a boy over a girl right now. I'm already in love with him and now I just can't wait to meet him and kiss his little toes. I just can't wait to bond with him.

I'm mostly just nervous about how it will all affect my relationship with Lucian and how he will deal with another little boy to share his room, toys, clothes, and especially, HIS parents. I was thinking a relationship with a little girl would be so different that Lucian wouldn't feel like he was being traded for another little boy. I really worry about how Lucian is going to deal with all of this. I expect he'll be like any other normal little kid and be insanely jealous and feel like he's being replaced. I'm really glad we waited until he was a little older to have another. I think I'd be even more worried if he were not almost 3.

I'm the oldest of 4 and I'm very sensative to what Lucian is about to experience and I'm going to try my best to do whatever I can to make him feel special and not like he's being replaced. I've always told him that he is the little boy of my dreams and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I can't help feeling how that statement might change now that I'm having another little dream come true – another child that's also a little boy of my dreams. Lucian already made my dreams of having a son come true and to be honest, I've always just pictured myself with one of each – a boy and a girl, that's it. I suppose those are like princess fairy tales when you think of it because it's impossible to know what you'll really end up with when you try for the second to complete your little perfect snapshot of how you imagine your life to be.

I guess that's part of growing up and being an adult — realizing the difference between dreams, goals, aspirations and unrealistic fantasies.

Projects

Yesterday I got into a nesting frenzy and it's still continuing today. I've been chipping away at this blog post in between trips to what I'm now calling "The Boys' Room" to put things away or reorganize little things here and there. It's like a bird who flies around picking up little pieces of straw and bits little by little each time to build the perfect nest. I love tweaking everything. It just makes me happy.

We just got done inventorying all of the children's books we have and I can not believe just how many we've accumulated for Lucian over the past three years! We have a really nice book case built into the wall in our living area so we just reorganized it so that all books for children 17 and under are out there and all "adult" books like how-to, reference and novels are now in our bedroom along with photo albums. I really like the way it looks now and how easily accessible it is to Lucian and someday, his baby brother. We put all of the little board books on the very bottom and then they go up in age appropriateness towards the top.

Before that, I just had Nate pull down 2 storage totes containing all the baby and maternity clothing and supplies. I've been in denial about whether I'm showing now or not and if it's time to start wearing maternity clothing. I'm really confused because I have not yet gained any weight but at 19 weeks now, regular clothing is really starting to become uncomfortable. I keep pushing my elastic band below my belly and my shirts are not covering everything right now, so I suppose it's time. I guess I'll start taking belly pictures soon too but I feel odd about that because I don't feel like I LOOK pregnant. I feel like I just look fat. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I don't think I started showing till around 20 weeks. Even at full term, my belly was never completely round. It was a very odd shape. I'm not complaining because I only gained 27 pounds that time while other friends and family members had gained 50 or more.

I just got finished cleaning and reorganizing The Boys' Room and I'm really happy with the way it looks now. I'd still like to see some shelving on the one wall for some knickknacks. I'm not very fond of knickknacks personally, but we do have several pieces that people have given us over the years that hold sentimental value. There are also some photos I need to frame and hang. It's one of those things that will never be finished, but for now I really enjoy just sitting in the rocking chair while hanging out with Lucian to watch him play his little computer games or read books and dream about the time when there will be two little boys sharing that space together. I look over at the crib and try to picture what life will be like with another little one in there. It will be a while before we actually use the crib because I prefer to have baby sleep in the bassinet in our room for the first six months or so. Lucian slept in a crib in our bedroom for over a year, but partly because my father in law lived with us temporarily while he and mom were looking a new house to move here to Tucson.

Anyhow, those are my thoughts right now - what I'm feeling, what projects I'm working on at the moment.

Funny story I wanted to remember

Last night when I tucked Lucian into bed, I was still moving little things around. Nate had printed out a family photo of us and made a copy for Lucian so I put it up on the shelf with his stuffed animals where he could always look at it. After I put it on the shelf and bent down to give him a kiss and a hug, he said, "That's our family." I said, "Yes! That's right! That's our family." Then I kissed him and hugged him and he whispered, "the Happy Home People."

I all but fell over laughing because that is a line from an Express Flooring commercial that's always on TV.

Leave it to my kid to use an advertising tag line to make me smile.

Pink or Blue?

Well, the results are in! We're having another little BOY! :)

The sonogram went extremely well and he was not shy at all! I was able to see the "turtle" before she even said so! I guess after enough sonograms you sorta kinda get used to recognizing some body parts. I love to see the little hands and feet moving around. I have a thing for baby toes.

I have to say, this was one of the best sonograms I've ever had. Lucian's sonograms were great too, but I don't remember him moving around as much as this little guy does! It was amazing to watch him move. Lucian was always a very mellow baby for which I was extremely grateful! This little guy scares me because I just get the feeling that he's going to be a fearless little firecracker! I don't know how I'll keep up! I suppose I will have to acquire a taste for coffee and be like everyone else on the planet who drinks coffee. I'm hoping perhaps he was hopped up on sugar because I had a piece of banana bread with icing before the appointment. (temporary weakness for sweets)

Our sonogram tech was just awesome. She was so patient, fun and seemed extremely experienced and really enjoys what she does. She took lots of time to explain everything and answer questions. I didn't feel rushed like I normally do during sonograms. I was just so relaxed and pleased with the way she looked at everything and even went back to areas where I had questions.
Nate and Lucian were there and at one point, Lucian had to go potty so Nate had to take him out of the room and missed some of the sonogram. When he got back, she was almost finished but I asked and she let us just watch our baby boy swim around for a little while since Nate had to miss a little of it. It was so great. Lucian was almost interested, but of course he was even more focused on seeing what buttons and switches he could press. There was a lot of "Jeffrey, Jeffrey, stop it Jeffrey, get down Jeffrey, don't touch that Jeffrey." Sigh.

Baby was VERY active and squirming all over the place. He was putting his little hands up to his face and tilting his little head back and side to side. It almost made it hard for the tech to get clear pictures at times. He was really making her work for it!
She said we're on target for the due date and he's within normal size. Only one thing they are going to watch is that I have what is called a "low lying placenta" so they just want to make sure it doesn't turn into placenta previa. We'll have another sonogram around 26 - 28 weeks to make sure the placenta has moved up to it's normal position like 99 percent of all cases do.



I haven't yet gained any weight, in fact I lost a pound. I asked my OB about this and she said it's nothing to worry about. She told me I could actually get away with only gaining five pounds towards the end. So, I'm not going to stress about the weight gain unless it makes my leg hurt. At this point, I'm extremely grateful for the slow weight gain and the extra reassurance that baby is healthy and getting all the nutrients he needs right now.

We were hoping for a little girl, but of course we're happy with another boy that's healthy. I'm slightly relieved because we're already prepared for a boy. It kind of takes the stress out of having to reconfigure things for a girl. We may try again after this, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. The joke is that the Davis family comes in sets of three and it's usually two boys and a girl. So, if we feel up to it after this baby, we might try and tempt fate to see if that pattern holds true. I'll be 35 in December so I'm not exactly looking forward to being of "advanced maternal age." I know plenty of people are totally fine with that and I respect that — it's just not what I wanted for myself. I also believe things happen for a reason and that God has an ultimate plan for us so, if I'm meant to have a daughter, it will happen. If I'm meant to be the mother of a little soccer team, than so be it. Boys are cool!

It's kind of funny, I was getting all these girl vibes so I was a little surprised it turned out to be a boy. I won't lie, I was slightly disappointed but more so because my gut feeling was wrong, not because we're having a boy. I don't like being wrong! He just looks so healthy and that's what makes me really happy now. It's just a relief knowing. I suck at surprises because I'm way too nosey.

The other reason that the sonogram was great is because, even though this is the third one, for some reason, THIS is the one that made it real for me. When I was pregnant with Lucian, I think it was the 1st sonogram that made it real for me. I was around 12 weeks along and he was starting to move and I could see him wiggle around on the screen and I was truly delighted.

With this pregnancy, I've been a bit more depressed for various reasons and I was really craving some reassurance that the baby was still alive and surviving and most of all - real. It's not like I was experiencing anything that should make me worry like spotting or cramping, it just didn't seem real or accepted for some reason. (Partly because of the issues I'm still having with my mom.)

It still seems like a dream, but it's so much more realistic to me now. I'm starting to get in the mood for digging out baby stuff and getting certain things set up. Nate of course just says we have time and he's not feeling the kind of pressure I feel to nest. I always worry that if I don't start doing things now while I have the energy, I won't get them done later when I'm distracted and too irritated from being super pregnant.

Already I'm having a hard time getting around and chasing after Lucian because I have a lot of aching in my pelvic joints. (I don't know how else to put it.) The OB says it's perfectly normal because this is my second pregnancy and ligaments aren't as tight as they used to be so baby is resting lowing in my pelvis and causes the aching feeling. I can still get up out of a chair rather quick when I need to, but walking around and standing a lot is not comfortable at all.

I've been getting more tired earlier in the evenings and waking earlier in the mornings so that's a good thing. I just wish I wasn't waking at 3 or 4 in the morning because I feel like I have to pee and then can't get back to sleep. The OB says Tylenol PM is safe to take (as is Benadryl) when I really need it so I'm glad for that. I try my best not to use it if I can help it because I hate putting chemicals in my body that might affect the baby no matter how safe they say it is. Sometimes though, I have to consider the alternatives. Going several days on only 4 hours of sleep each day isn't good for me either. I basically can't sleep much longer than 3 to 4 hours at a time. If I do, it's rare and I take it when I can get it.

I need to be tested for Gestational Diabetes again at around 26 - 28 weeks and I'm nervous that I may have it again. I'm really trying to watch my sugar intake. I can't remember the last time I really craved and ate much chocolate, so that is good. It's the carbs that are my biggest weakness. Being part Italian doesn't help! I have such a penchant for pastas, breads and cereals. I don't keep junk food in the house but I do unfortunately keep too many carbs in the house and that is my comfort food. A bowl of cereal or a bagel or a big plate of pasta is what makes me happy.

So, anyhow, I'm waning but I wanted to get this post out and also take some time to thank all of those who were "Thinking Pink" for us yesterday. I know several people who even wore pink underwear for me!! Even dudes!! So, thank you for your valiant efforts and perhaps next time.

I was feeling so feminine for a while there thinking that I might be having a girl and now I'm tempted to cut these long nails off! It was a nice thought for a while, and I do enjoy embracing my femininity once in a while, but I'm really comfortable hangin with tha boys in my sneakers much of the time so another little boy dude in the house suits me fine :)

Week 18 - Sonogram Today

Today, later this afternoon, we'll get a sonogram that will hopefully reveal the health and sex of our baby. When I was pregnant with Lucian during this part of the pregnancy, he was not willing to let us know he was a little boy for the 18 week sonogram. So, although I'm extremely excited to try to find out what the baby is, I won't be shocked if it decides to be shy. I'll just be agitated and hope we get another sonogram so we can find out later. I have little patience when it comes to this. I'm just too curious. It's not that I hate surprises — I like surprises if anyone can manage to pull them off — but I'm very, very nosey by nature so it usually doesn't work out.

One of the things I know they are going to be watching for is the baby's size. Lucian was a very large baby. If this baby is growing large quickly, it's going to lessen my chances for attempting a VBAC because my OB doesn't think my pelvic size can pass a large baby. Lucian got stuck and she thinks that may have been the cause. Part of the problem was complicated with Gestational Diabetes. I'm not sure when I have to take another glucose test, but I bet it's coming up soon. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm skeptical that I might have it because some of the symptoms include constant thirst and frequent urination — which I have been experiencing more lately.

It's hard to tell what is pregnancy-related and what is medicine related. I started taking Zoloft about 5 weeks ago to get a jump start on the postpartum depression I experienced last time. My OB suggested I start taking the meds now rather than wait until after delivery. I've always had issues with anxiety and depression so I figured I mind as well try to do something about it now so my kids don't suffer like I did with my own mom. It seems to be helping, but it's so hard to tell.

I went through a rough week a couple of weeks ago when one of my best friends lost her baby pre-term at 20 weeks. It really affected me negatively. I get very emotionally connected to my good friends and when they suffer a loss, I internalize it also. I just really, really hurt for her. It scares me because I just never knew anyone personally who had lost a baby that late in gestation. I know how common miscarriages are in the first trimester, and I kind of accept that, but the second, that really shocked me. It just makes me worry about my own pregnancy a little more than I might have, but I'm trying to relax a little more, especially now that my friend seems to be healing with her loss.

My mom is still not talking to me and that's still very upsetting. I did send her a Mother's day e-card and she acknowledged it to my sister, but she said nothing to me. Basically, I only ever get family updates from my sister now and she tries to be forthcoming and honest even if she knows it will upset me, which I appreciate. I've tried talking to my grandmother about it and she tries to sympathize, but she doesn't really want to get involved because she has her own set of problems with my mom, her daughter.

The female relationships in my family's history are horrible. It goes back as far as my great-great-grandmother. My grandmother's mother died when she was just nine so she was raised by her grandmother and they did not get along at all. My aunt, my grandmother's oldest daughter, left home when she was 16 and they didn't speak for many years. It wasn't until later in life that my aunt and grandmother finally became close again – best friends even. Then she sadly passed away at the young age of 62. My mom and my grandmom barely get along now. They tolerate each other at best. My mom says nasty things about my grandmom and it really makes me mad. I'm really close with my grandmom and I was also close to my aunt. It's mostly my mom that seems to stir the pot, but she'll never admit to that. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Anyhow, had to get that off my chest because it kind of explains why I'm very nervous about finding out if we're having a little girl. I would love to have a daughter, but I'll always be apprehensive about my ability to have a good relationship with her because of my family history. I want to break the negative cycle and I think it's possible because I live out west now, away from the constant negative examples. My mother-in-law and my sister-in-law have a great relationship and I'm hoping it's one I can emulate. I have hope and several friends now have made some encouraging comments and that just helps me even more.

I don't know, I think maybe the Zoloft is helping. I'm hoping it will help with my confidence in helping to raise a little girl if that's the case. I'm not constantly being reduced to a puddle of tears at the oddest of times. I also feel a little more motivated now in the morning to get out of bed and get on with the day. For the past 3 nights, I've actually managed to fall asleep before midnight! Of course, then I wake up at 4 am to pee and then I'm up and can't fall back to sleep. But, things seem to be improving sleep-wise and I surely hope it continues!! I also feel a little less anxiety about leaving the house to do activities with Lucian at public places. I've taken him out on my own a little more and I've been feeling more motivated and confident to take him out in general and get out of the house. Now that he's approaching three, his whole world seems to be opening up to more opportunities and I'm feeling I want to embrace it more and more.

So far, I don't think I've gained any weight. It's hard to tell on my scale at home. According to my scale, I've lost a pound or two. I usually weigh myself in the mornings and my OB appointments are usually in the afternoon once I've eaten AND have a full bladder, so we'll see what happens later today. I'm trying not to be overly concerned about it because I'm really only supposed to gain 15 pounds anyhow. So, if I've made it almost half way in the pregnancy and not gained any weight, that's good I guess.

Truth be told, I am terrified of gaining weight. Reason being, the nerve compression in my leg. The more weight that sits on that nerve, the more painful it gets to the point of excruciating. The only solution for the pain is to lose weight. (I've also read about possible surgery and I may consider that later.) That's not really an option for me right now. I've been disappointed in myself for a long time now because I did not keep the weight off from Lucian's pregnancy. I had lost all the baby weight and then some by the time he was six months old, but it was mostly due to stress and being sick all the time because my immune system was compromised by the C-section. In hindsight, I should never have attempted to go back to work in an elementary school of all places. (Huge petri dish for a work environment, despite how much I loved my job.) When I decided to quit my job and work from home, and he started weaning, it all poured back on plus ten more pounds.

I was trying really hard to lose weight before we got pregnant but my problems with insomnia really made that difficult. Also, the joint and muscle pain with fatigue I experience has limited my ability to exercise. Since almost all my immediate family members have arthritis, I assume I must have some form of it. I've had repetitive stress injury symptoms from the time I was in my early twenties. I should have seen a doctor for all of this before getting pregnant, but I had lots of reservations about seeing a doctor. First being, my insurance plan sucked big time. I'm now getting medical assistance so that is no longer an issue, thank God!

It's no secret that the health care system sucks in this country. It's a never ending cycle. I was paying for insurance – the amount we could barely afford — but the policy really only would have helped me in the case of something really drastic, so I've never even picked out a primary care physician since I've lived here. My OBGYN was really the only provider I've ever needed since living here. I even purchased a maternity rider - thinking I was being the responsible American by paying extra for my insurance so that in the event I'd need another C-section, which I know my chances are high, that I would be covered. Well, turns out I got swindled by an insurance salesman who just told me what I wanted to hear when I thought I was asking all the right questions and doing all the proper research before signing on the dotted line. The maternity rider – that I had paid out several thousand dollars for over the course of almost 2 years – was only worth two thousand dollars and would ONLY cover a NORMAL VAGINAL delivery with NO COMPLICATIONS. Yeah, um, that's not me - I'm complicated. So, I had to scramble for a solution to get medical coverage over fear that the mounting medical bills would send us into bankruptcy.

What complicated things with our prior insurance was the fact that Lucian needs eye surgery. So we're potentially facing TWO surgeries before the end of this year. My C-section with Lucian cost around $40,000 dollars. Yes, that's forty THOUSAND dollars and that was when I had good insurance through my employer. We only paid $350.00 out of pocket to have Lucian at the hospital. So, you can imagine the stress I was under thinking how much it was going to cost us between a C-section and eye surgery with the private insurance that carried a hefty deductible plus 20 percent co-insurance!!

Luckily I was able to get Lucian onto KidsCare for a really low premium each month that doesn't carry a deductible and no co-insurance. It's been a major relief that are health insurance is more manageable and now I don't think I'll be so resistant to see a doctor for reasons other than prenatal care.

I did express my concerns about arthritis to my OB and she said the only thing they can test for and possible try to manage is rheumatoid arthritis. So, I may be getting a blood test for that today. Everything else will pretty much have to wait till after the baby is born and possibly after it weans from breast feeding.

One of my fears about seeing a doctor for my problems was that they might try and put me on a treatment plan with drugs that might compromise my fertility. Approaching "advanced maternal age" is not the time you want to be messing with drugs that could cause infertility when you want to have another baby before it's too late. So, I basically put my health on hold until after we're done having babies which, if this baby is a girl, will likely be soon. If it's a boy, we MIGHT try again for a girl. I just don't know how I'll feel. I love being the mom to a boy. It's great and I'm comfortable with the idea of a house full of boys. I'll just have to wait and see how I feel and if I can get over the feeling of wondering what life would have been like having a daughter.

Nate always teases me that they (the Davis family) come in packages of three. His family history is such that there have consistently been families with children in sets of three and most of them two boys and a girl. So, even if this is a boy we're having now, I wouldn't rule out having another just to see if we continue that trend. We'll just have to wait and see how I recover from the delivery and cross that bridge when we get to it.

More and more, I'm trying to learn to live day by day and not get so wrapped up in planning and worrying so much about the future and things I can not control. It's not easy and I'm not good at it, but I'm trying.

The Ultimate Chimera

Dear Parents,

Please tell me that your child too has a word or words they have made up that you have no earthly clue what it is or means.

Nate and I are going out of our minds trying to figure out this one word Lucian has made up. Some time ago, it took us about three months to figure out what "do me" meant. At least, that's what it sounded like when he was saying it. Finally, Nate figured out that what Lucian was trying to say was "Excuse me."

Duh!

His new word is "dumonoksox" and we are going nucking futs trying to figure out what it is or even how to spell it. Nate and I both have tried tricking him into showing us "dumonoksox" or asking what color it is. No dice. He foils us every time.

Daddy: "Lucian, where is "dumonoksox?"

Lucian: "It's in the bedroom."

Daddy: "Where, show me, let's go look!"

Lucian: "It's on the table!"

Daddy: "Darn! I almost had it!"

Lucian sings songs about "dumonoksox." He uses it in sentences. He butters his bread with it. (just kidding)

We have no clue.

Nate suggested I blog about this, so I did. He came up with the title, of course.

Maybe I'll press publish and someday we'll find out what or who "dumonoksox" is.

We can only hope. Maybe it's related to the Jersey Devil. Who knows!

It Just Had To Be Done

I just had to share this. I love detail-oriented people who pay attention.

http://macnutsandbolts.com/admin/lauren/

Week 11 Rantings

Warning: this is a rant and a journal entry. I swear and complain a lot. And, I'm tired of defending myself for it.

I KNOW I'm supposed to be happy about being pregnant and really, I am happy about being pregnant. I've loved this baby before we even conceived it. We worked pretty hard to get this far. (Shut up! That pun was not intended.)

What I'm not happy about is the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. Right now it feels like I'm the only one who loves this baby and is happy about it. I feel like the buffer surrounding me right now is just filled with negativity. Now, I know that isn't true – I know people are extremely happy for us – I just can't help how I FEEL is different from what I KNOW.

Blame it on the bad economy. Blame it on planetary alignment. It's not you, it's me.

It really helped when I went public with my pregnancy. All the well-wishing that poured in was uplifting. I guess I just wish I could get that kind of support from my immediate family. (Namely my mother, who has not spoken to me in about two months now – which is probably the crux of the problem here.) (and I don't even want to go into detail about that right now. I did something wrong, she did something wrong. She said/she said. She won't let it go. I don't have a choice now.) I still can't help thinking there is something about the second baby just being so lackluster compared to the first. I don't know how to deal with that yet.

Of course, I know my husband feels happy about the baby, but you know how it is for men – it takes a while until they can really emotionally connect. Sometimes it doesn't even happen until they get to hold the baby for the first time. I don't hold it against him. He can't help it and I can't help feeling frustrated wishing there was a way he could connect better. Right now he is more focused on keeping Lucian out of my hair during the weekends so I can catch up on rest. (I consider myself very lucky indeed.)

One problem I'm having is trying to bond with this pregnancy. It's only 11 weeks. Something could still go wrong. Aside from the normal moodiness, lack of energy, breast tenderness and nausea, I still don't feel pregnant and have a hard time accepting that someday we'll have another family member here in our little home. As if all those symptoms aren't enough, I can't help feeling I'd like more feedback from the baby. Ugh! I'm so impatient!

Why didn't God build us with a little porthole we could look in on? Why? Is that asking too much? Come on!

I keep wanting to put the bassinet together and start going through the baby clothing and getting organized, but it's way too soon for nesting. I'm terrified I'll put lots of energy into all that and then something terrible will happen and it will make things worse. Those thoughts are so disturbing to me now. I've read it's normal to think those things, but that doesn't make it any easier. I keep thinking if I can just get through these next few weeks and hear the baby's heartbeat for reassurance, I can invest more of a connection to it.

I'm really frustrated and depressed about a lot of things right now. It's mostly the uncertainty that gets to me. I'm a control freak so uncertainty is a bad thing for me. Not feeling in control really pisses me off. I feel very sad and scared thinking about how this baby might be born. I'm terrified and still traumatized since my first delivery experience. It's hard to explain and unless you've had a long labor that ended in emergency C-section, you just wouldn't understand.

Being told by the OB that she's strongly recommending another C-section is not helping me. I know we have time and I've advocated against it, but still, I'm not feeling very confident right now like I thought I would since it's my second time. I felt like a failure the first time around and now I already feel like a failure not even being given the option to use my vagina to give birth like it was meant to be. I don't want to go through life never knowing what it's like to birth a baby.

I'm considering asking for a different doctor, but I just don't know how to go about doing it. How can I tell a different doctor won't tell me the same thing?

To me, I still can not say with confidence that I "gave birth." To ME, I had an operation and my baby was cut out of me. I was stripped naked, strapped to a table, arms restrained, in a cold room, cut open (and could feel it all). They cut the baby out and shoved him in front of my face for 3 seconds. All I could see was his nose poking out. Hubby and baby were whisked out of the room, leaving me abandoned with a bunch of strangers so the surgical team could finish putting my organs back in and sew me up.

While I was getting put back together (physically, at the very least) EVERYONE else back in the delivery room (6 friends and family) got to bask in the glory of holding and bonding with the little person I was so anxious to meet. MY SON. I got no skin contact with him for close to an hour. He was all wrapped up so tightly I don't even remember getting to count his toes or interact with him much at all. I couldn't even hold him because of the after effects of the surgery. I had the shakes and was nauseous. Right away, the nurses tried to assist us in nursing. Right away, I was the meal ticket – no, hi, hello, how are ya – just, here, put your boob in his mouth and try to feed him. (Never mind that it took another 7 days for my milk to come in directly followed by mastitis – no doubt a result of the drugs and surgery stripping my immune system.) That's my memory of it. Not saying that's what actually happened, but that's how I remember it. My brain has protected me just enough to allow me the bravery to get pregnant again, but let me tell ya – I think it took Nate and I a few months to get pregnant just because we were both still terrified. There were times I looked at my ovulation calendar and just plain chickened out or was relieved when either of us got sick and didn't feel like it.

Birth was not romantic or organic and I wished I had never thought it would be.

I'll never regret the bonding that took place between Nate and our son and of course I was not envious of his experience at all. I was extremely grateful for it. Other men would be envious of my husband's bonding experience and I'm proud of him for being SuperDad and SuperHubby simultaneously. (And when I said MY SON, I mean OUR son, but for that traumatic and physical moment where the baby and I were separated and the pregnancy ended, that was MY physical moment between myself and the baby that grew inside of MY body.) I also was grateful for all the family and friends that were present and their tremendous support. I would not have changed having them all there for the birth. However, I learned the hard way, that as far as the bonding experience right after the baby is born, that part should be private and intimate with the parents and baby – not the entire entourage and team. It was the first experience of this kind for almost everyone present, so no one really knew what would have been best. I don't regret them being there, I just wished I could have had some private time is all. Just a pause would have been nice. Private moments with just the two of us and our new baby just didn't seem to happen for days. That's something I'd like to change this time around.

I have massive delivery envy now. I am jealous of everyone who can give birth the way it was intended to happen. I cry and then get mad at myself because my bitterness gets in the way of being happy for people and the true joy, blessing and privilege it is to have a live and healthy baby no matter how it gets here. I really hope I can get over that some day. I wish I didn't think that a vaginal birth for me is the cure.

I don't think I'll ever watch any of those baby story shows on TV. I just can't handle it. They romanticize it too much. I fell so hard for it last time. All I could dream about was pushing the baby out and being able to hold it right away, skin to skin on my bare chest – just like I had seen and been told about. I wouldn't care how gross and messy it would have been. I read and heard stories of women being able to reach down and help pull the baby out. I really wanted to try that. I wanted to give birth in the water. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted – too much to be like the women who had given birth before me and told me how romantic it was despite all the pain and agony. I raised my expectations so high that I never prepared myself mentally for a cesarian section. I was too terrified to go there in my mind and now I know why.

Back in the fifties, they put some women to sleep and then they woke up later and had to go see the baby in the nursery. Fathers, let alone any other visitors, were not allowed to be present at the birth. I still can't wrap my mind around that concept. Does that have to do with our expectations now? Back then, did women just not expect to be able to bond with their babies right away and so they accepted that's the way it was?

I guess I'm just so confused about what to expect versus what to accept.

Perhaps if I had not labored for 20 hours before the surgery it might have been different. From the beginning of being induced to the final delivery was just. such. a. long. time! Too long. While I'm grateful to the nursing staff for giving us every opportunity to have him vaginally, after trying for so hard, for so long, it was just a huge let down. We were admitted around 4 pm on the 29th and I wasn't delivered until after 10 pm on the 30th. It was a long 2 days just trying to get the baby out. The poor kid was stuck for 7 hours at 7 centimeters so no wonder he still had a cone head! Then we were stuck in the hospital recovering from infection and blood sugar issues until the 4th of July. It was a long time to be in a hospital for the first time. Even my IV gave up on me.

The recovery afterwards was painful and time consuming. I felt helpless and even more of a failure for not being able to care for our new baby. Nate did it all. I just tried to nurse and pump, sleep, eat and drink and pop pills. I could barely stand or walk because my body had swelled up to a point where I didn't even recognize myself in a mirror. I had to get up and move to keep my body circulating and avoid blood clots but then I had to keep my feet up when not doing that to get the swelling to go down. I lost so much blood I became anemic. I was catheterized for several days. I had to drag a pole with my fluids every time I got out of bed to move around – which took an agonizing many minutes to accomplish. Any time I stood up, I felt like my intestines were going to fall out of my body and land on the floor.

I can't help thinking that if I had only been able to give birth vaginally, most of that pain could have been avoided. Sure, there would have been pain, but it would have at least been localized and healed faster and I could have been more active sooner. I also don't believe that I'm incapable of having a vaginal birth. I think Lucian just got stuck. (The delivering OB said his head was tilted back.)

The thought of experiencing all of that over again is terrifying because we now have a demanding toddler to care for as well. Nate won't be able to take as much time off since we'll be delivering right before the holidays. I'm hoping that having Lucian around will help to take my mind off of the pain and I'll recover faster because I won't be able to focus on it as much as I did last time. I hope. Once the holidays pick up, then Nate will be home more, so that will help, plus my mother in law now lives closer too. It's just the feeling of helplessness that I dread. I hate needing so much assistance. I want to be able to do it all – on my own. It's not rocket science. I should be able to handle it all. Other women do it, why shouldn't I?

I'm pretty sure it's all normal to feel this hormonal and out of control of my feelings in the first trimester. It's partly the reason why I haven't been blogging. But I can't keep my mouth shut anymore. I have to vent. Writing is very cathartic for me. It's usually been my personal policy to try and keep things light or at least, when I write something dark – to immediately post something light to take the focus off of the negativity. I hate negativity. I hate being negative. I hate not even being able to fake being positive at times. I hate using the word hate. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide for fear I'll say something that will offend someone else or be taken the wrong way.

I wish I could just keep my mouth shut. If I were a mute, sometimes I think it would solve ALL of my problems.

I know this will pass. I know something will make it all better and things will work out. Is it possible to be optimistic AND depressed at the same time?

I think the things that bother me the most right now are:

1. My relationship with my Mother – or lack there of

2. Finances

3. Insurance coverage costs making life miserable

4. My health – pain, lack of energy, depression

5. Worries about delivery and feeling like I have a lack of options right now

6. Forgetfulness – I know I'm forgetting something all the time

No offense, but I'm tempted to close the comments on this post just because I'm feeling so bitchy right now and I don't want to hear "perk up, it will be all right." or "you have nothing to worry about, there are starving kids in Africa where infant mortality is higher." or "here, let me sell you something to make you feel better" or "you're a fat bitch and need to get over yourself" – you know, because the trolls still visit once in a while. (the word 'vaginal' is bound to trigger poised search engines. oh yay.) Or "OMG, I can't believe you swear on your blog, you're not the righteous woman I thought you were, I'm no longer reading your blog." (to which I say – "See ya.")

And oh, crap, this blog gets sucked into Facebook and put into my notes section where others may read it who think I'm normally very light-hearted and will be disappointed to find out just how dark I can be. I'm tempted to delete the post.

Screw it. Sometimes I just have to be real and candid, so deal. Unfriend me, unfollow me, ignore me if that's what you need to do – seriously – I've over needing to feel accepted and popular. (Ok, that's stretching it, but you're a real friend to me if you stick around and try to understand and that's all that matters to me anymore.)

I just can't deal with that shit right now. I just want to blog. I just want to vent and complain about MY problems and be self-absorbed for a moment in MY JOURNAL. I know there are people who have it much worse than me right now. I am grateful for the opportunities I DO have in life right now. I'm grateful for a husband who loves me, a wonderful son, a supportive family (most of them anyhow), a roof over my head, food to eat, and some material possessions that make life more bearable among other things I'm too moody to think about right now.

So, I suppose moodiness sums up Week 11. I wish it were all rainbows and Unicorns, but it's not right now. Right now I'm filled with bitterness, fear, sadness and helplessness to name a few.

I just want to be able to look back on this entry in a few months and see what a crazy person I was while feeling completely different in the future. That is the goal and I hope writing this and getting it off my chest will help with that process.

Maybe I just want some other cesarian section victims to reach out and tell me I'm not the only one for whom it's turned into a psychotic weirdo.

I'm also hoping this is so long that no one will want to read it, maybe not even me later.

Now I need to go find something fun to put above this post to move it down and out of other aggregators!

Bittersweet

Well, I knew this time would come, but I was never sure how I would feel about it. I've decided that I am okay with it. It's now been several weeks, but Lucian has finally weaned himself.

Boy, what an affirmation!

I can't really, truly remember the last time he nursed and a friend told me that would happen so that helped prepare me. I'm kind of glad there wasn't really a significant "last supper" so to speak. Actually, it would have been more of a "last breakfast" since he gave up the night sessions long ago. Even then, towards the end, it was more of a comfort thing anyhow. I mean, have you seen my son? He doesn't exactly look malnourished!

I'm just glad overall. It's very, very bittersweet, but overall, it just feels right to me and us and that's the most important part.

A week or so ago I retired my breast feeding ticker that used to adorn the bottom of this blog. It made me a little sad to remove it, but it was time. I've accepted it as another milestone in our lives.

I love these little tickers, so perhaps I'll find some new ones for Lucian and the baby.

Some other time perhaps I'll go into more detail about the struggles I had with breastfeeding in the beginning in hopes that it might help someone else. Or maybe just to remind myself how far I came in case I need some encouragement in the future. I might even do a "gadget review" of my trusty breast pump if I get up the nerve.

It was an incredible challenge, but one that I feel was a major triumph for me. I'm keeping the attitude that it can only get better the next time and I'm determined to do it again, but also accept it if this next child doesn't nurse for as long as Lucian did. (Or longer if necessary.)

When we went to the OB for the initial blood tests to confirm the pregnancy, Lucian was still nursing, but very occasionally. One of the first questions I asked the RN was about breastfeeding (if even only for comfort) while pregnant. She said it was perfectly fine up till 20 weeks and by then I would have to wean him because nipple stimulation causes a release in Prolactin which could bring on pre-term labor. Aren't you glad you know that now?

So, I kept that in mind for the next week or so, but gradually, he just stopped asking every morning. He let me down easy and I'm soooooo grateful! Even still, very rarely, he will put on a funny face as if to be playful and tell me he wants "mlauk" – which is his "pet name" for it. I have no idea why he picked that word, but he made it up as a way to differentiate between cow's milk and "boobay juices of luv" – which was my pet name for it – affectionately.

I've seen some TV stories of women who extended breastfeeding and – while I'm sort of in that "camp" because we went past two years – I thought it was silly that they had nicknames for breastfeeding. That was, silly until I realized that we were doing that too!! Now it doesn't seem silly any more – it's just the way it is and why bother feeling weird about it!

Well, that's a little update on some of the transitions I'm going through. I have more, but I'm trying to do shorter, more frequent posting. Plus I'm a bit hormonal so I try to think before I post more.

Gestation 2.0

Our family is pleased to announce something very exciting and here is Lucian to give you the special news!

We Found Nemo!
We just had our first sonogram and got to see the little sea monkey's heart beat and watch it float around. (I swear, it looked like a sea monkey!) It was a very special and exciting time for all of us. Lucian watched the monitor intently. The sonogram technician tried to explain it to Lucian and said, "See the little baby? It's swimming around in Mommy's belly like a little fishy!" Lucian was observant to point his little finger at the screen and exclaim, "Look! Nemo!" So now you know why we'll be nicknaming this baby "Nemo" for a little while. I laughed so hard and it took me a little while to regain composure so we could continue with the rest of the sonogram. (It doesn't work very well when your belly is moving around due to giggling.)

The sonogram printouts are now proudly hanging our our fridge. They all look identical and I wish the picture was clearer, but it turns out we're not as far along as the OB thought we were. Based on the measurements, the sonogram technician adjusted our due date from October 30th to November 9th. I'm still hoping for a Halloween baby though because second babies are usually earlier and if this pregnancy has the same complications as Lucian's then they would take the baby early anyhow. We'll just have to wait and see. (Something I'm not very good at!)

There isn't much to see in the photo, but seeing the heartbeat in action was enough to at least make it feel just a little more real. It's still very surreal. I thought maybe sharing the news might help with that. We're only 8 weeks and 5 days along (not 10 weeks like we originally thought) so it feels odd to share the news so much sooner than we did the first time around, but the sonogram technician said it was safe to share because there was movement and a good heartbeat.

Here is Nemo's very first baby picture!

According to the sonogram measurements, our little "Nemo" is 5.9 cm long. That's the length of my pinky so now I can't stop looking at my little finger and day dreaming just a little.

Standard Gestational Operating Procedure
I've been feeling very tired and have been trying harder to get more rest. That's why this blog and other social places have been quiet or dormant for so long. Lucian has been much more demanding of my time. With a new family member coming, I'm also trying to cherish more of our time together while it's still just him and us. We sleep in and snuggle more in the mornings because Pre School is just around the corner. (and because gestation is hard work!!) I know I'll never get these times back so I like to hold on to them just a little longer now.

It's also why I've been a little more stressed about finances, but I'm sure this is all normal. (I'll go into more detail about other things later.) Another reason I've been quiet is because I hate keeping secrets! I'm good at it, but I hate doing it! I was so afraid I would slip and spill the beans, so now that we've been to our first sonogram I feel a little better about letting the cat out of the bag.

It's still very early and things could go wrong, but after seeing it yesterday, there isn't any point in keeping it a secret any longer. Our family has known now for a couple of weeks. I suppose if something were to go wrong, I'd rather have more support than none at all. These feelings are all standard gestational operating procedure, I'm sure. I'm certainly a lot more relaxed about most things this time around but I think I'm much, much more tired!!

It's hard to imagine I was working full time the first time around. I don't know how I had the energy! Now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I have to say, it was nothing compared to working 24/7 for a busy toddler!! You can't call in late to a toddler who wants his breakfast N-O-W just because you'd like to try and hold on to your cookies.

Overall, we're very happy because we've been trying since October of last year, so this is very welcome news for us. I was just beginning to wonder how much longer it would take so I feel relieved since I'm not getting any younger! Luckily, I'll be delivering just before my 35th birthday! Whew!

Back to Blogging
I'm really hoping to get back into blogging about my life. I didn't keep a journal during my pregnancy with Lucian because I just didn't have the time and I was working full time. I really wished I would have because now, more than ever, is when I would really like to reflect on my past experiences to help give me a little confidence boost here and there. Not like I have any more time now, but there is a bit more flexibility so I'm going to give it a try. This blog will still be geeky in nature so it won't be a complete baby diary. I still have plans for other posts, but you know how it is these days, life first and then, if the urge sticks, then it might make it into the blog.

I might also try to write more about some of my past pregnancy and delivery experiences with Lucian. My delivery experience, to me, was very, very traumatic and I haven't yet found the strength or courage to write about it, but maybe it will come. Since almost 3 years has passed, I know I don't remember details like I did when it was happening to me and that's probably a good thing. Anyhow, I'm just going to have to try because writing is very therapeutic for me.

Gestation is hard work, but it's one of the most rewarding experiences a human can experience so I welcome the challenges to come!

Stay tuned for more updates and I hope you feel as blessed and lucky as we do.