Week 11 Rantings

Warning: this is a rant and a journal entry. I swear and complain a lot. And, I'm tired of defending myself for it.

I KNOW I'm supposed to be happy about being pregnant and really, I am happy about being pregnant. I've loved this baby before we even conceived it. We worked pretty hard to get this far. (Shut up! That pun was not intended.)

What I'm not happy about is the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. Right now it feels like I'm the only one who loves this baby and is happy about it. I feel like the buffer surrounding me right now is just filled with negativity. Now, I know that isn't true – I know people are extremely happy for us – I just can't help how I FEEL is different from what I KNOW.

Blame it on the bad economy. Blame it on planetary alignment. It's not you, it's me.

It really helped when I went public with my pregnancy. All the well-wishing that poured in was uplifting. I guess I just wish I could get that kind of support from my immediate family. (Namely my mother, who has not spoken to me in about two months now – which is probably the crux of the problem here.) (and I don't even want to go into detail about that right now. I did something wrong, she did something wrong. She said/she said. She won't let it go. I don't have a choice now.) I still can't help thinking there is something about the second baby just being so lackluster compared to the first. I don't know how to deal with that yet.

Of course, I know my husband feels happy about the baby, but you know how it is for men – it takes a while until they can really emotionally connect. Sometimes it doesn't even happen until they get to hold the baby for the first time. I don't hold it against him. He can't help it and I can't help feeling frustrated wishing there was a way he could connect better. Right now he is more focused on keeping Lucian out of my hair during the weekends so I can catch up on rest. (I consider myself very lucky indeed.)

One problem I'm having is trying to bond with this pregnancy. It's only 11 weeks. Something could still go wrong. Aside from the normal moodiness, lack of energy, breast tenderness and nausea, I still don't feel pregnant and have a hard time accepting that someday we'll have another family member here in our little home. As if all those symptoms aren't enough, I can't help feeling I'd like more feedback from the baby. Ugh! I'm so impatient!

Why didn't God build us with a little porthole we could look in on? Why? Is that asking too much? Come on!

I keep wanting to put the bassinet together and start going through the baby clothing and getting organized, but it's way too soon for nesting. I'm terrified I'll put lots of energy into all that and then something terrible will happen and it will make things worse. Those thoughts are so disturbing to me now. I've read it's normal to think those things, but that doesn't make it any easier. I keep thinking if I can just get through these next few weeks and hear the baby's heartbeat for reassurance, I can invest more of a connection to it.

I'm really frustrated and depressed about a lot of things right now. It's mostly the uncertainty that gets to me. I'm a control freak so uncertainty is a bad thing for me. Not feeling in control really pisses me off. I feel very sad and scared thinking about how this baby might be born. I'm terrified and still traumatized since my first delivery experience. It's hard to explain and unless you've had a long labor that ended in emergency C-section, you just wouldn't understand.

Being told by the OB that she's strongly recommending another C-section is not helping me. I know we have time and I've advocated against it, but still, I'm not feeling very confident right now like I thought I would since it's my second time. I felt like a failure the first time around and now I already feel like a failure not even being given the option to use my vagina to give birth like it was meant to be. I don't want to go through life never knowing what it's like to birth a baby.

I'm considering asking for a different doctor, but I just don't know how to go about doing it. How can I tell a different doctor won't tell me the same thing?

To me, I still can not say with confidence that I "gave birth." To ME, I had an operation and my baby was cut out of me. I was stripped naked, strapped to a table, arms restrained, in a cold room, cut open (and could feel it all). They cut the baby out and shoved him in front of my face for 3 seconds. All I could see was his nose poking out. Hubby and baby were whisked out of the room, leaving me abandoned with a bunch of strangers so the surgical team could finish putting my organs back in and sew me up.

While I was getting put back together (physically, at the very least) EVERYONE else back in the delivery room (6 friends and family) got to bask in the glory of holding and bonding with the little person I was so anxious to meet. MY SON. I got no skin contact with him for close to an hour. He was all wrapped up so tightly I don't even remember getting to count his toes or interact with him much at all. I couldn't even hold him because of the after effects of the surgery. I had the shakes and was nauseous. Right away, the nurses tried to assist us in nursing. Right away, I was the meal ticket – no, hi, hello, how are ya – just, here, put your boob in his mouth and try to feed him. (Never mind that it took another 7 days for my milk to come in directly followed by mastitis – no doubt a result of the drugs and surgery stripping my immune system.) That's my memory of it. Not saying that's what actually happened, but that's how I remember it. My brain has protected me just enough to allow me the bravery to get pregnant again, but let me tell ya – I think it took Nate and I a few months to get pregnant just because we were both still terrified. There were times I looked at my ovulation calendar and just plain chickened out or was relieved when either of us got sick and didn't feel like it.

Birth was not romantic or organic and I wished I had never thought it would be.

I'll never regret the bonding that took place between Nate and our son and of course I was not envious of his experience at all. I was extremely grateful for it. Other men would be envious of my husband's bonding experience and I'm proud of him for being SuperDad and SuperHubby simultaneously. (And when I said MY SON, I mean OUR son, but for that traumatic and physical moment where the baby and I were separated and the pregnancy ended, that was MY physical moment between myself and the baby that grew inside of MY body.) I also was grateful for all the family and friends that were present and their tremendous support. I would not have changed having them all there for the birth. However, I learned the hard way, that as far as the bonding experience right after the baby is born, that part should be private and intimate with the parents and baby – not the entire entourage and team. It was the first experience of this kind for almost everyone present, so no one really knew what would have been best. I don't regret them being there, I just wished I could have had some private time is all. Just a pause would have been nice. Private moments with just the two of us and our new baby just didn't seem to happen for days. That's something I'd like to change this time around.

I have massive delivery envy now. I am jealous of everyone who can give birth the way it was intended to happen. I cry and then get mad at myself because my bitterness gets in the way of being happy for people and the true joy, blessing and privilege it is to have a live and healthy baby no matter how it gets here. I really hope I can get over that some day. I wish I didn't think that a vaginal birth for me is the cure.

I don't think I'll ever watch any of those baby story shows on TV. I just can't handle it. They romanticize it too much. I fell so hard for it last time. All I could dream about was pushing the baby out and being able to hold it right away, skin to skin on my bare chest – just like I had seen and been told about. I wouldn't care how gross and messy it would have been. I read and heard stories of women being able to reach down and help pull the baby out. I really wanted to try that. I wanted to give birth in the water. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted – too much to be like the women who had given birth before me and told me how romantic it was despite all the pain and agony. I raised my expectations so high that I never prepared myself mentally for a cesarian section. I was too terrified to go there in my mind and now I know why.

Back in the fifties, they put some women to sleep and then they woke up later and had to go see the baby in the nursery. Fathers, let alone any other visitors, were not allowed to be present at the birth. I still can't wrap my mind around that concept. Does that have to do with our expectations now? Back then, did women just not expect to be able to bond with their babies right away and so they accepted that's the way it was?

I guess I'm just so confused about what to expect versus what to accept.

Perhaps if I had not labored for 20 hours before the surgery it might have been different. From the beginning of being induced to the final delivery was just. such. a. long. time! Too long. While I'm grateful to the nursing staff for giving us every opportunity to have him vaginally, after trying for so hard, for so long, it was just a huge let down. We were admitted around 4 pm on the 29th and I wasn't delivered until after 10 pm on the 30th. It was a long 2 days just trying to get the baby out. The poor kid was stuck for 7 hours at 7 centimeters so no wonder he still had a cone head! Then we were stuck in the hospital recovering from infection and blood sugar issues until the 4th of July. It was a long time to be in a hospital for the first time. Even my IV gave up on me.

The recovery afterwards was painful and time consuming. I felt helpless and even more of a failure for not being able to care for our new baby. Nate did it all. I just tried to nurse and pump, sleep, eat and drink and pop pills. I could barely stand or walk because my body had swelled up to a point where I didn't even recognize myself in a mirror. I had to get up and move to keep my body circulating and avoid blood clots but then I had to keep my feet up when not doing that to get the swelling to go down. I lost so much blood I became anemic. I was catheterized for several days. I had to drag a pole with my fluids every time I got out of bed to move around – which took an agonizing many minutes to accomplish. Any time I stood up, I felt like my intestines were going to fall out of my body and land on the floor.

I can't help thinking that if I had only been able to give birth vaginally, most of that pain could have been avoided. Sure, there would have been pain, but it would have at least been localized and healed faster and I could have been more active sooner. I also don't believe that I'm incapable of having a vaginal birth. I think Lucian just got stuck. (The delivering OB said his head was tilted back.)

The thought of experiencing all of that over again is terrifying because we now have a demanding toddler to care for as well. Nate won't be able to take as much time off since we'll be delivering right before the holidays. I'm hoping that having Lucian around will help to take my mind off of the pain and I'll recover faster because I won't be able to focus on it as much as I did last time. I hope. Once the holidays pick up, then Nate will be home more, so that will help, plus my mother in law now lives closer too. It's just the feeling of helplessness that I dread. I hate needing so much assistance. I want to be able to do it all – on my own. It's not rocket science. I should be able to handle it all. Other women do it, why shouldn't I?

I'm pretty sure it's all normal to feel this hormonal and out of control of my feelings in the first trimester. It's partly the reason why I haven't been blogging. But I can't keep my mouth shut anymore. I have to vent. Writing is very cathartic for me. It's usually been my personal policy to try and keep things light or at least, when I write something dark – to immediately post something light to take the focus off of the negativity. I hate negativity. I hate being negative. I hate not even being able to fake being positive at times. I hate using the word hate. It makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide for fear I'll say something that will offend someone else or be taken the wrong way.

I wish I could just keep my mouth shut. If I were a mute, sometimes I think it would solve ALL of my problems.

I know this will pass. I know something will make it all better and things will work out. Is it possible to be optimistic AND depressed at the same time?

I think the things that bother me the most right now are:

1. My relationship with my Mother – or lack there of

2. Finances

3. Insurance coverage costs making life miserable

4. My health – pain, lack of energy, depression

5. Worries about delivery and feeling like I have a lack of options right now

6. Forgetfulness – I know I'm forgetting something all the time

No offense, but I'm tempted to close the comments on this post just because I'm feeling so bitchy right now and I don't want to hear "perk up, it will be all right." or "you have nothing to worry about, there are starving kids in Africa where infant mortality is higher." or "here, let me sell you something to make you feel better" or "you're a fat bitch and need to get over yourself" – you know, because the trolls still visit once in a while. (the word 'vaginal' is bound to trigger poised search engines. oh yay.) Or "OMG, I can't believe you swear on your blog, you're not the righteous woman I thought you were, I'm no longer reading your blog." (to which I say – "See ya.")

And oh, crap, this blog gets sucked into Facebook and put into my notes section where others may read it who think I'm normally very light-hearted and will be disappointed to find out just how dark I can be. I'm tempted to delete the post.

Screw it. Sometimes I just have to be real and candid, so deal. Unfriend me, unfollow me, ignore me if that's what you need to do – seriously – I've over needing to feel accepted and popular. (Ok, that's stretching it, but you're a real friend to me if you stick around and try to understand and that's all that matters to me anymore.)

I just can't deal with that shit right now. I just want to blog. I just want to vent and complain about MY problems and be self-absorbed for a moment in MY JOURNAL. I know there are people who have it much worse than me right now. I am grateful for the opportunities I DO have in life right now. I'm grateful for a husband who loves me, a wonderful son, a supportive family (most of them anyhow), a roof over my head, food to eat, and some material possessions that make life more bearable among other things I'm too moody to think about right now.

So, I suppose moodiness sums up Week 11. I wish it were all rainbows and Unicorns, but it's not right now. Right now I'm filled with bitterness, fear, sadness and helplessness to name a few.

I just want to be able to look back on this entry in a few months and see what a crazy person I was while feeling completely different in the future. That is the goal and I hope writing this and getting it off my chest will help with that process.

Maybe I just want some other cesarian section victims to reach out and tell me I'm not the only one for whom it's turned into a psychotic weirdo.

I'm also hoping this is so long that no one will want to read it, maybe not even me later.

Now I need to go find something fun to put above this post to move it down and out of other aggregators!

Bittersweet

Well, I knew this time would come, but I was never sure how I would feel about it. I've decided that I am okay with it. It's now been several weeks, but Lucian has finally weaned himself.

Boy, what an affirmation!

I can't really, truly remember the last time he nursed and a friend told me that would happen so that helped prepare me. I'm kind of glad there wasn't really a significant "last supper" so to speak. Actually, it would have been more of a "last breakfast" since he gave up the night sessions long ago. Even then, towards the end, it was more of a comfort thing anyhow. I mean, have you seen my son? He doesn't exactly look malnourished!

I'm just glad overall. It's very, very bittersweet, but overall, it just feels right to me and us and that's the most important part.

A week or so ago I retired my breast feeding ticker that used to adorn the bottom of this blog. It made me a little sad to remove it, but it was time. I've accepted it as another milestone in our lives.

I love these little tickers, so perhaps I'll find some new ones for Lucian and the baby.

Some other time perhaps I'll go into more detail about the struggles I had with breastfeeding in the beginning in hopes that it might help someone else. Or maybe just to remind myself how far I came in case I need some encouragement in the future. I might even do a "gadget review" of my trusty breast pump if I get up the nerve.

It was an incredible challenge, but one that I feel was a major triumph for me. I'm keeping the attitude that it can only get better the next time and I'm determined to do it again, but also accept it if this next child doesn't nurse for as long as Lucian did. (Or longer if necessary.)

When we went to the OB for the initial blood tests to confirm the pregnancy, Lucian was still nursing, but very occasionally. One of the first questions I asked the RN was about breastfeeding (if even only for comfort) while pregnant. She said it was perfectly fine up till 20 weeks and by then I would have to wean him because nipple stimulation causes a release in Prolactin which could bring on pre-term labor. Aren't you glad you know that now?

So, I kept that in mind for the next week or so, but gradually, he just stopped asking every morning. He let me down easy and I'm soooooo grateful! Even still, very rarely, he will put on a funny face as if to be playful and tell me he wants "mlauk" – which is his "pet name" for it. I have no idea why he picked that word, but he made it up as a way to differentiate between cow's milk and "boobay juices of luv" – which was my pet name for it – affectionately.

I've seen some TV stories of women who extended breastfeeding and – while I'm sort of in that "camp" because we went past two years – I thought it was silly that they had nicknames for breastfeeding. That was, silly until I realized that we were doing that too!! Now it doesn't seem silly any more – it's just the way it is and why bother feeling weird about it!

Well, that's a little update on some of the transitions I'm going through. I have more, but I'm trying to do shorter, more frequent posting. Plus I'm a bit hormonal so I try to think before I post more.

Gestation 2.0

Our family is pleased to announce something very exciting and here is Lucian to give you the special news!

We Found Nemo!
We just had our first sonogram and got to see the little sea monkey's heart beat and watch it float around. (I swear, it looked like a sea monkey!) It was a very special and exciting time for all of us. Lucian watched the monitor intently. The sonogram technician tried to explain it to Lucian and said, "See the little baby? It's swimming around in Mommy's belly like a little fishy!" Lucian was observant to point his little finger at the screen and exclaim, "Look! Nemo!" So now you know why we'll be nicknaming this baby "Nemo" for a little while. I laughed so hard and it took me a little while to regain composure so we could continue with the rest of the sonogram. (It doesn't work very well when your belly is moving around due to giggling.)

The sonogram printouts are now proudly hanging our our fridge. They all look identical and I wish the picture was clearer, but it turns out we're not as far along as the OB thought we were. Based on the measurements, the sonogram technician adjusted our due date from October 30th to November 9th. I'm still hoping for a Halloween baby though because second babies are usually earlier and if this pregnancy has the same complications as Lucian's then they would take the baby early anyhow. We'll just have to wait and see. (Something I'm not very good at!)

There isn't much to see in the photo, but seeing the heartbeat in action was enough to at least make it feel just a little more real. It's still very surreal. I thought maybe sharing the news might help with that. We're only 8 weeks and 5 days along (not 10 weeks like we originally thought) so it feels odd to share the news so much sooner than we did the first time around, but the sonogram technician said it was safe to share because there was movement and a good heartbeat.

Here is Nemo's very first baby picture!

According to the sonogram measurements, our little "Nemo" is 5.9 cm long. That's the length of my pinky so now I can't stop looking at my little finger and day dreaming just a little.

Standard Gestational Operating Procedure
I've been feeling very tired and have been trying harder to get more rest. That's why this blog and other social places have been quiet or dormant for so long. Lucian has been much more demanding of my time. With a new family member coming, I'm also trying to cherish more of our time together while it's still just him and us. We sleep in and snuggle more in the mornings because Pre School is just around the corner. (and because gestation is hard work!!) I know I'll never get these times back so I like to hold on to them just a little longer now.

It's also why I've been a little more stressed about finances, but I'm sure this is all normal. (I'll go into more detail about other things later.) Another reason I've been quiet is because I hate keeping secrets! I'm good at it, but I hate doing it! I was so afraid I would slip and spill the beans, so now that we've been to our first sonogram I feel a little better about letting the cat out of the bag.

It's still very early and things could go wrong, but after seeing it yesterday, there isn't any point in keeping it a secret any longer. Our family has known now for a couple of weeks. I suppose if something were to go wrong, I'd rather have more support than none at all. These feelings are all standard gestational operating procedure, I'm sure. I'm certainly a lot more relaxed about most things this time around but I think I'm much, much more tired!!

It's hard to imagine I was working full time the first time around. I don't know how I had the energy! Now that I'm a stay-at-home-mom, I have to say, it was nothing compared to working 24/7 for a busy toddler!! You can't call in late to a toddler who wants his breakfast N-O-W just because you'd like to try and hold on to your cookies.

Overall, we're very happy because we've been trying since October of last year, so this is very welcome news for us. I was just beginning to wonder how much longer it would take so I feel relieved since I'm not getting any younger! Luckily, I'll be delivering just before my 35th birthday! Whew!

Back to Blogging
I'm really hoping to get back into blogging about my life. I didn't keep a journal during my pregnancy with Lucian because I just didn't have the time and I was working full time. I really wished I would have because now, more than ever, is when I would really like to reflect on my past experiences to help give me a little confidence boost here and there. Not like I have any more time now, but there is a bit more flexibility so I'm going to give it a try. This blog will still be geeky in nature so it won't be a complete baby diary. I still have plans for other posts, but you know how it is these days, life first and then, if the urge sticks, then it might make it into the blog.

I might also try to write more about some of my past pregnancy and delivery experiences with Lucian. My delivery experience, to me, was very, very traumatic and I haven't yet found the strength or courage to write about it, but maybe it will come. Since almost 3 years has passed, I know I don't remember details like I did when it was happening to me and that's probably a good thing. Anyhow, I'm just going to have to try because writing is very therapeutic for me.

Gestation is hard work, but it's one of the most rewarding experiences a human can experience so I welcome the challenges to come!

Stay tuned for more updates and I hope you feel as blessed and lucky as we do.

My Life. My blog. My rules.

I'm not taking my blog down, but I admit I had considered it for a few minutes after I got attacked by trolls who posted nasty comments here and other places. I have seen trolls on others' blogs, but never my own! I guess people are getting desperate. I've now received a spiteful email and been sent a friend request on FaceBook (most likely a trick based on the person's profile — much harder to trust anyone associated with this now!) One went as far as to pick on an older entry and the nasty comment was directed at my son.

That's where I draw the line.
______________________________________________

My comments are now moderated because I refuse to take any crap from anyone. Negative comments will be filtered and simply deleted from now on. I never had to do this before now and it's sad that it's come to this, but this is part of digital life so I am learning.

Thankfully, I'm still here.

Know why?

In addition to being supported by my wonderful husband, it's because a community of people I either didn't realize I had — or perhaps even took for granted — spoke up after I posted to twitter, my steam vent at times, that I was considering taking down my blog because a negative comment aimed at my son went over the line.

One friend even called me on the phone to make sure I was alright. Another friend emailed me with kind words and a link to some very thoughtful and motivating insight on the matter. Yet another friend, from across the pond, emailed me with words of inspiration and motivation to push on.

I am truly overwhelmed by the support and I am so grateful for everyone's encouragement!

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.










My microblog, serves as several different things to me. It is, among other things I haven't yet thought of, my: Personal Journal, Mini Baby Journal, Idea Storage, Think Tank, place to share ideas and thoughts, outreach for tech support, place to chat with other parents, Favorite Bar, Research Bank, News Reel, News Source, Macintosh Community, Social Media Community, Steam Vent, Comic Relief, place to help others and give back to the community, and especially tonight, it was a place to send a smoke signal.

I just figured that last one out. I didn't realize what had happened when I posted that and how it would affect others. I thought I was just venting but I realize now, I was really frustrated by a new and negative experience and wanting to pound on a shoulder I didn't think was there. Except, a shoulder WAS there and not one, but several! It's amazing how many people have experienced this same emotion and frustration and they have all found ways to deal with it. Then they turned around and shared their ideas with me through phone calls, emails, replies and direct messages.

So, I just wanted to say Thank You for the encouragement. You have no idea how much it means to me.

Funk 49

What keeps YOU from blogging?

Sleep all day, party all night? Me too. Or, somethin like that. except without the partying part.

Actually, I micro-blog every day almost, but it's not aggregated here on the big blog. I wonder if I should do that so I wouldn't feel like I was neglecting this space so much. I have so many plans for this space but it was really hard to find the time when we had family visiting these past few weeks.

Now, where did I put that To Do list?

Which one?

I've tried implementing Twitter and Tumblr on here, but it makes the blog load so slooooow.

I'll think of something.

Maybe I'll try to put using the F12 blogger widget back into my workflow. Right now, my thoughts are just so random and fleeting and that's not usually my style for my blog. I like my blog posts to be more complete and better thought out. Pretty-looking even.

Maybe it's time for a change?

Sometimes my OCD gets in the way because of having to craft a title for each post? Hmmmm. Maybe I should resort to a Deep Thoughts from Jack Handy format with numbers. Then I'd have to keep track of the numbers. Meh.

Is there some random automatic blog post title generator that makes something nice looking that makes sense? You know, for us lazy people.

Ok, back to finishing the email back to my husband that I started an hour ago. Oh, wait. I already sent that out. What was I doing? Oh yeah. Making a list and clic

so many distractions, so little time.

publish.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and spent it surrounded by people they care about. Despite having the flu on Christmas day, I still managed to enjoy my holiday because I was surrounded by family and friends at all times. Being stuck in bed gave me a chance to take a break and reflect on all the people I'm grateful for in my life and how that number keeps growing.

There have been some setbacks along the way. We don't have a lot of money and I can't always get the things I want. That sucks, but I try to get over it and move on. Lucky for me, I don't need a lot of money to be with the people and get the things I need most in my life.

I don't want a pony, but an iPhone or a BlackBerry sure would be a lot of fun. I don't NEED either, but if I can somehow find a way to be resourceful, maybe my work will be rewarded and I can somehow find a way to justify the expense so it isn't just an additional expense. I believe I could grow my skills with a smart phone, I just have to figure out how to fit it in my lifestyle.

In 2009 my goal is to focus on the skills I have, to keep building on them and to keep being resourceful. I do not want to become obsolete.

How do you plan on keeping yourself from becoming obsolete this year?

I have tons of pictures and movies to comb through. Products and services to review and projects to produce. Content creation is in abundance and backlogged. I just need a clone who will manage my time more wisely than I've been able to.

2009 will be the Year of the Bootstrapping Mamma!

I Want an iCar

This was too funny not to share.
(Thanks Kathy!)

A Parody Was The Pill I Needed

Now THIS IS funny. Just what I needed to soothe my pain.
And you know how much I like boob jokes.



I hope we can move past this soon, but not before we learn some important lessons from it all. (And when I say 'we' I really mean 'me' but ya can't blame me for hoping for a larger collective.) I really wish someone would put an end to the original Motrin ad on YouTube. I mean, seriously — why hasn't THAT been pulled? (Just in case it has by the time I publish this post, as of now, it's still being linked to and it's got over one hundred thousand views.) Isn't it illegal to scrape it from the motrin.com site and post it to YouTube? I wish someone would explain to me why this is ok. Isn't it counterproductive for the same people who complained about stopping the original ad campaign to keep linking to it and promoting it? I used to think that there was a simple common goal: to possibly get the original ad removed or revised on the company's website and educate people about the misconstrued facts of babywearing. (The Sept. 30th ad campaign wasn't even popular before this past week but sure is now while it's on YouTube.) I just don't get how that got all messed up. I'm also still peeved about the people who bitched about the ad in the beginning who keep trying to milk it for their own selfish and personal gain. I am no longer linkbaiting anything that drives traffic towards the original ad or the people who stirred the pot and spoiled the stew. I'm even considering removing the links from my original post on the whole thing. I'm just talking about how I've allowed myself to feel about the whole experience and what I'm trying to learn about myself from it.

One annoying thing is that now we've got all sorts of "experts" spewing their psychobabble about the effects of the "mommy mafia" on marketing who then link to the Queenpins which pushes more traffic to their sites. I don't quite yet know just what to make of that whole bag of hurt. Maybe the "marketing analysts" are right. Maybe they're also for hire. It frustrates me though because of the perceived ill threats this poses to moms with blogs and the sincere business efforts they try to achieve through social media on their behalf. I'm attracted to the idea of moms having a say and maybe even getting compensated for their ideas about how marketing could be improved to make advertising more effective. I'm also kind of turned off though when we act like the market owes us something just because we're moms. I joke about it at times when something pisses me off and I feel like I can "threaten to blog about it" but I'm also part Italian and the whole "mafia" thing has always been a tongue in cheek thing with me.

I suppose it's only human for us to always look for some kind of a power trip to makes us feel worthy in situations where we feel our personal beliefs are being threatened. I have to wonder though — are we mommy bloggers (whatever you want to call it or not call it) so desperate for attention these days? The competition is really getting the best of us I think. (Present company included.) I used to think it was a nice community in which to belong. Moms promoting other moms just because we think each other are cool. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Blogging with other moms used to be one big happy lovefest for me. It made me feel giddy and like I belonged to a group who accepted me even when I didn't shave my legs or put on a bra.

I'll be honest, I sometimes felt like I was exploiting the "#motrinmoms" situation by the couple of times I tweeted my blog post link or used the #hashtag to link myself to the conversation stream. I was excited at the prospect of commenting on another's blog to get a linkback in return. Oh the things we do for some traffic or to get noticed. This practice has been bred into us by the mommy bloggers who paved the way before it was a popular idea to have your own blog. They taught us the ways of the modern-day sewing circle. All the stitching of blogs together makes one collective group of moms with common goals and ideas.

My real intention of my original comment on the subject was to speak my mind on something I felt knowledgeable about and to then share that knowledge with others. (ok, this is the last time I'm going to apologize for myself.) But I couldn't leave it at that. I was too proud to let my comment — my content— to sit idle on another's blog who was getting attention. I don't want to just give my ideas away when I've got a stale post on my own blog just hanging there. The thoughts belong to me and I may want to revisit these thoughts in the future when I feel the need for reflection. When I began to copy my own comment and post it on my own blog, I thought about a way to introduce it. Then I thought it was a good opportunity to post on something I was passionate about which also brang back fond memories of my son from before I even had a blog. For so long I had been wanting to post something about my earlier parenting experiences for my son's portion of the "baby log." My blog is mostly about preserving my memories of my life including the people, experiences and philosophies I've had during my lifetime.

I also begin to wonder about this whole blogging for "business" scheme I've been thinking about getting in to. I'm trying to be more careful now. It's hard in this day and age of the modern-day-depression "economic downturn." The pressure to be an entrepreneur and push for self promotion to get by and rise above the competition out there is immense. I wonder if the stress of it all is starting to turn people into something they wouldn't normally be.

The more we dedicate, the more we medicate.
What the hell is in this water we're drinking?
If it is not laced with pride then it is tainted by greed.

All of these experts but no one to self mediate.
Where do we draw the line before blinking?
If we keep on wanting to belong we will always perceive the need.

It's not good enough to just be a stay-at-home-mom and especially when you have already started a career before choosing to stay at home to raise your family. I have found the stress to be overwhelming at times. I feel I still have to prove myself. I have to prove that I'm good for more than just changing diapers and cleaning toilets. Especially, since I have a college degree, I have to prove it to myself that I'm not letting it go to waste. We had to take out a second mortgage on our home to money launder our own debt, the bulk of which was my college loan. I feel so insanely guilty about that and I punish myself by allowing myself very few privileges in life. If I'm not working hard all the time, I don't feel worthy.

Despite the fact that I give great hugs, mend broken hearts, listen to troubles and dry tears, make things by hand and enjoy helping others for nothing in return — I still feel guilty for not doing enough.

You have to prove yourself to stay at home moms if your work out of the house and if you're a stay at home mom you have to prove you're just as active as a mom who works full time AND raises a family. I don't see where there is a win here. I've done BOTH now and BOTH sides have their merits. I decided to stay at home for many reasons. One of which was because the money wasn't enough to keep me slaving away at my previous full time job. I enjoyed the job very, very much, but the expectations and bureaucracy killed it for me. It's hard to say, but I'm inclined to think that a very LARGE amount of money would have been required to keep me punching someone else's clock, even at a job I could stomach. If I were making the equivalent of above and beyond mine and my husband's salary combined, I would have been harder pressed to quit and that's why I can understand the plight of the "working mom." Lucky for me I wasn't so embedded in my job at the time that I felt a sense of obligation to keep it. I knew I was easily replaced — not my efforts or ability — but me as a warm body to fill a slot that wasn't given a whole lot of priority. In other words, in my situation, I feel like I could always go back to a similar job or even a different job and that staying wasn't going to change that fact. After having so many different jobs, it's hard for me to feel any sense of loyalty for any one particular place. Take me or leave me. I'm an outstanding worker and if you compensate me and treat me well, I'll bend over backwards for you. But if you try to micromanage me or cheat me out of my worth, then there are other things I can do.

One skill I have that no one really ever thinks of putting on a job application is the ability to live on unemployment, still pay on my debts and take care of myself. I know how to hunker down and live within my means. I don't mind eating macaroni and cheese with tuna out of a can. I work to make a living doing something that I love. If you expect me to work to live, then I can make working livable, but not lovable or lasting.

I'm frustrated with myself for getting sucked in to what turned Twitter into a major soap opera. I have been trying to take a break from Twitter for the past couple of days now. It hasn't been easy, but I am trying to focus my attention on other things now. I do miss the way it used to feel to me. When people started using it for selfish promotion and to say nasty things to each other, it became tainted. It was like a bar fight broke out and now I'm not sure I want to go back to that bar. I think I've actually reached a point of burnout on it.

A couple of my friends have experienced this burnout too so I know I'm not alone. For me, Twitter is like the Cheers of online networking like AOL chat rooms used to be. Have you ever read the lyrics to the Cheers theme song? No? Well, you're in luck! You know you wanna. AOL chatrooms lost their appeal when the meat market and pr0n spambots took over. I fear Twitter might soon suffer a similar demise, but I really hope not. I know Twitter seems like a really powerful force to be reckoned with and people are claiming that companies will now be shaking in their boots about what affect it will have on marketing, but anything seems powerful enough when you live in a bubble. It's really easy to get sucked in to Twitter like it's your little world. Sometimes that makes it harder to be more objective.

I'll probably get back into it soon, because I still love it for all the great feedback I get when I have a question about something technical or feel like being silly geeky. I also do like to use it as a mini baby log by posting little #hashtagged thoughts about my son throughout the day and archiving the RSS feed on it.

If my blog posts aren't in the form of a personal journal entry to myself or a baby log about my son, they are usually in the form of a review, tip or promotion for something I enjoy and want others to know about. So, I'm going to keep reminding myself that this blog is for ME and these are MY feelings whether I'm right or wrong or just passionate but unsure.

Now, it's time to laugh about it, dammit!
Aaaay! Fuh-gettaboutit! You jes tell em' TheMacMommy told ya – iz all gonna be alright! Oh-KAY? sheesh. Fuh-gettaboutit! You should lissen to your own motherboard. Ya know? Deep down. Be true to yaself. Ay-ite?

The Scarlet Blog

Don't read this. Really. I swear a lot and offend people. Mostly myself. Way too much scrolling involved. You don't have time to read this, trust me. Move on. You'll never forgive me if you don't.

Dear Blog,
I like lemonade. Do you like lemonade? I was hoping that by posting about the whole Motrin ad thing that I might be able to take something negative and turn it in to something positive. Oh silly me. Silly mommy blogger. What were you thinking? The whole thing has gotten so out of hand now and it's got me so pissed off at the Internet that I don't even have twitter open. Yes. It's that bad right now.

The whole "thing" whatever the hell this thing is — it's like a rash or something and I'm all worked up over it. I am so guilty when it comes to rubbernecking on the web. I subjected myself to reading all of the post shit-slinging and allowed myself to get worked up about it. I seriously thought about deleting my entire blog over some hurtful, hateful things people have said. Seriously. I am so close right now because some of the things were said by people I respect and would consider a friend. Maybe they are right and that's what bugs me.

The main reason is because I am so sick and tired of the online drama and my inability to not take part in it at times. Being snarky is a huge weakness of mine. I don't have a life, so I hang out online where I feel social and can commiserate with others. It usually makes me feel good. It usually makes me feel fulfilled. Until lately.

That's just one reason. Another is that if I hear or read more person say "must have a lot of time on her hands or nothing better to do than blog or tweet about it" or "wasting her time while there are more important things to do or talk about" — let's just say, if you come back here and get a 404 error or the page is empty, you'll know what happened.

They say if the shoe fits, buy another pair. Oh wait. No, sorry, that's what my mother says. She has a lot of shoes.

I don't know why I'm taking all of this shit so personally, but I am and I have to somehow come to terms with it and hope that I can get past it soon. Maybe I should go scrub my toilets. Maybe that would make me feel better. More like a true woman. Maybe washing the dishes would make me a more productive person in society and help to fulfil my obligation on this earth better than writing a blog, designing a website, trying to keep up in technology trends, because, you know vacuuming my carpet right now will keep me employable in this hell hole of an economy, won't it? When has learning anything done anyone, especially women, any good?

I don't know why I feel so guilty about posting on it. I still feel the same about most of what I wrote, but yet I've considered deleting it all. I thought I was trying to be fair and balanced. I thought I was trying to help a cause. I thought I was being passionate about supporting something I believed in when it came to babywearing and pointing out that dads do it too. I thought I was helping others and being supportive — of even those with whom I disagree.

All this because someone asked me to check out a blog post and comment on it and I bit. I bit hard because I was pissed that an ad was mocking the practice of babywearing. I bit for the same reasons outlined by a response from Babywearing International. It all started with one comment on another blog that, at the time, I was passionate about. At the time, I was thinking, it's one little ad on one company website. It's not like it was a TV commercial being aired at prime time. The damage was all the same though and moms all across the world started using online communications to comment back. It spread like wildfire, just like the fires close to LA just one night prior.

I watched it unfold and was immediately addicted to it like a drama on TV. What will happen next? Who will pick up on it? Will anyone "internet famous" comment on it? All of the sudden I felt like I was part of a community taking action to send a message to defend attachment parenting practices.

What did I get out of it? Well, the ad did get pulled and that made me feel satisfied and everyone could have left it alone then. That didn't happen. All of the sudden the "mommy blogger" and "women blogging" community turned inward on istself. The ad, even though it got pulled, ended up on YouTube where it could very well live permanently. Is anyone talking about copyright infringement in the thread? No, instead they are all too busy bashing one another and turning the whole thing on its side.

So now what exactly did we accomplish again? Oh yeah, traffic to our own blogs and a negative social stigma.
Thanks but no thanks. Now I feel completely unsupported. Ironic, isn't it?

I don't question what I wrote quite as much as why I even write at all now.

I mean, there are more important things in life than a blog according to so many new "authorities" on the web who obviously know way more than me. Like Darfur and the economy and, oh yeah, I could be cleaning my house to make it spotless every effing second of every effing day during nap time or whenever my son is having his play time.

Wanna play guess who's blog or post I just read?

I write a blog that talks about my personal experiences of being a a stay at home mom who is trying to raise a healthy, loving, productive member of society in her child, while trying to learn more about managing a tiny consulting business and God-forbid I should use my brain instead sit on my fat ass and eat bon bons all day long. And for that I guess I'm just one of those stupid, bitchy, dramatic mommy bloggers who has too damn much time on her hands and wastes time bitching about unimportant things in life. Maybe I should go hump a tree after I plant a new one.

Never mind the fact that I struggle with constant depression and anxiety and that writing is a form of therapy for me. Never mind the fact that it will be three years since the last time I smoked a cigarette and that spending time online keeps me from smoking or hanging out at a bar. Never mind that I'm trying to be a better person by not swearing on my blog, by trying to rise above it all. Well, shit. Not tonight anymore. I'm pissed and in the mood to just be honest with myself right now.

I'll probably get chicken shit in a day or two and delete this all anyhow but right now it feels good to pound on the keys instead of my lungs and liver.

Never mind the fact that I work hard for my family managing the house, finances and communications and everything else that being M-O-M means. Does it ever occur to some of these assholes that documenting personal journeys in life IS important and takes time but is a worthy investment?

Yes. It IS worth losing sleep over. I'll sleep when I die and by then it will be too damn late to write.

Some people are just miserable pricks and don't deserve their own life scrapbook. (Especially people who have a year for their handle. I wish he'd go back to living in that time and leave the rest of us the hell alone.) I for one, think my child, my family and my interests are important enough to write about and share with others who want to connect. It's not like I live in the middle of the effing desert or anything almost completely isolated from friends and family most of the time. Oh wait. Oops. It is, sorry almost forgot.

Maybe I should just take some antidepressants and go mop the kitchen floor and shut the eff up. (No offense to people who are on antidepressants. I'm happy for you, sincerely I am. But I don't want to do it right now - too chickenshit. Maybe not until I'm done writing this post.)

All of the sudden the term "mommy blogger" is a dirty word.
Just paint a big ol' red letter M on me now.

It's the new whore of the Internets. There are moms who blog — who openly talk about parenting and their kids in one form or another on their blog or vlog — that don't want to be labeled as such and fiercely defend themselves as not wanting to be associated with the term. That's been going on for some time and now I see why. I have recently seen some nasty fur flying, cat scratching and flinging of poo at play dates. It is not becoming and now my biggest fear is that I may have contributed to some of it in some way.

I'd like to buy a vowel now, Pat.

If there is one thing I have learned from this experience, it's that the bandwagon is not an air-ride equipped with cruise control.

I'm not sure how long this post will survive the ride since I'm not wearing my seat belt right now. It's a crash test dummy for the time being.

Time for some Tylenol PM which is as close to taking antidepressants as I'm getting just yet.

P.S.
It's probably a good idea to avoid posts with the tags listed below. You never know what you're going to get on that filter.

May Cause Mild Discomfort

And you still decided to read this!? Hey, you're my kind of people.

Alright, alright. I just have to say something. I've been thinking about this now long enough to convince myself that I'm not just shooting this off the hip, but when you're passionate about something, isn't that what blogging is for? If not, then I give up.

I got sucked into the whole Moms Against Motrin thing. (That's what I'm nicknaming it for now and I don't mean that to sound derogatory, just don't know what else to call it right now so read hear me out first.) No, I'm not going to link to the drug's site because I'm hoping that soon the subject of this case won't even be available anyhow. Besides, plenty of great blogs are linking to it and providing some nice documentation without doing the bidding of selling the product.

Premise
Let me just say up front, I think it's all a worthy cause but I fear things can get out of hand quickly. I believe that even bad publicity is still publicity. I don't want to contribute to the problem but be a part of the solution. Some in the conversation stream have been quick to suggest a complete boycott. I do not believe that boycotting the company is the solution. Maybe the company does good things in other areas in this was an oversight on their part that can be rectified. Here is an article that offers some insight on boycotting.

I do not use the product advertised. It is overpriced in my opinion and the generic version works just the same for me.

Proposed Solution
I would like to see the ad removed and hope that theirs as wells as other marketing teams learn a lesson from this. I am attracted to the fact that a group effort such as people using social media tools like twitter and blogs to get that task accomplished seems viable. I would like to think that I, as a consumer and advocate, have a voice and would like to invoke my right to use it.

Conclusion
I would like to advocate for methods of child rearing, used but not limited to Attachment Parenting like "baby wearing" and I can only hope that this negative event will shed some light on the subject for new parents considering it. My husband and I used a baby carrier and we feel it had very positive and effective results. I have my wise, dear cousin to thank profusely for giving us our Baby Bjorn as a gift. We never considered wearing our son as a fashion accessory but as a necessity for traveling and soothing in general.

Here is one photo of us when Lucian was just 8 weeks old. Wow. Where did the time go?


Now that you've read the disclaimer, here is my version of the low-down:

The advertising agency responsible for creating ads for the makers of the drug Motrin put out an ad on their website and it rubbed a lot of parents, mostly moms, the wrong way. Not even their own product is going to soothe the bemoaning from many angles this ad campaign has invoked. The ad is in the form of a movie clip which consists of a woman reading a script that matches in cadence with coordinating and artfully-placed typography that flash across the screen along with two-dimensional graphics.

In the opinion of mine as wells as many others, the ad suggests, by use of voice inflection and tone along with classic advertising techniques, that 'wearing your baby is a fad and causes undue pain and discomfort so if you're going to be ridiculous and put yourself into that situation, you should purchase our product.' Certain words used certain ways make it sound like they really don't stand behind baby wearing and they misconstrue the facts about the practice.

The ad attempts to guilt-trip the consumer into buying the product by indirectly insulting the consumer for thinking they are educated in trendy new parenting practices. Not many would dispute that new parents easily fall victim of ads because they are stressed out about making the right decisions for their new baby. This is classic advertising technique when they try to convince the consumer of a need they don't really have and it works especially well on already guilt-ridden new parents. [For example, if you choose to wear your child in a carrier the correct way and don't have any preexisting back pain issues, why would you need this product? You wouldn't, but damn if they don't make it all sound bad anyhow. Not sure about you, but I don't always think this logically when sleep deprived in the first few months of parenting.]

Recently, I learned from several of our doctors, emergency room as well as pediatricians, that ad campaigns for fever reducers have trained parents into over-medicating children to bring down fevers under 107 degrees Fahrenheit. Just take a look at the recent recalls for children's Tylenol products. Several doctors have now told us that by medicating a fever early on, we're actually keeping the child sicker for longer because we're not allowing the fever to do its job in making the child better faster. Drug companies would rather you spend more money on their products instead of letting nature take its course. My mother still finds that hard to believe, but after close to 40 years of being marketed to, I can understand why.

The ad in question for this particular drug, Motrin, has sparked major controversy and it blew up virally on Twitter and in the blogosphere last evening and early into this morning. So much so that Twitter actually choked a couple of times! (Not sure if #motrinmoms is the cause, but it's a funny coincidence.)

I posted a comment on Shake the Salt which is where I first read about it. Here is my initial reaction comment after Dave Taylor told me about it.
(By the way, Dave, I still like you even if I don't completely agree with you. You're a good guy!)

ok. I bite. I’ll even pick the meat off the bone. When it comes to baby wearing, I didn’t much, but my husband did. According to him, the ad isn’t necessarily offensive, but it is opportunist and inaccurate. I agree except I believe the ad also takes a low blow to attachment parenting practices like baby wearing and encourages the bias we constantly face. I didn’t wear my baby because my back couldn’t handle it, especially not after my stomach muscles had been cut to get my son out via C-section. I know a thing or two about taking ibuprofen for pain — and lots of it. (and I didn’t take Motrin mind you because the generic version costs less and works the same, so you can #suckit Motrin.)

I think the part that gets my goat is the snarky/snooty tone or attitude that the narrator seems to have when reading the script. It would have been one thing if she had said “baby wearing, if not done correctly, can be painful so we got your back.” No, instead, she goes on to belittle it in her tone and manner of speaking. Seems I’m not alone in this, so I can’t be that far off.

I worked many years in advertising so I tend to be even more critical of ads than most. Maybe this is an American movie culture bias, but I didn’t appreciate the word “schwing” used as one of the made-up names for other sling products. Perhaps the ad just wasn’t properly tested or else they would have known that “schwing” is a sexual reference. I felt compelled to mention this since it hasn’t been too long since breastfeeding was attacked by Bill Maher and I still feel the sting of that one. But that’s just me.

I highly recommend reading the transcript and looking at the words that are given emphasis. The psychology of this ad is clearly trying to play to the consumer’s ego. “What about me?” Nothing like trying to guilt you into purchasing their product. Aren’t moms and dads bombarded with enough guilt during the whole parenting experience? What’s a little more? Advertising most always tries to convince you of a problem you didn’t know you had.

This advertising is NOT about bringing awareness to baby wearing or attachment parenting and the aches and pains that might be part of the process. If anything, it’s a tongue in cheek way of ripping on it and THAT is the part I find irresponsible. The makers of Motrin aren’t horrible, they are just like many other ad campaigns who prey on “that demographic” who might be considering baby wearing.

This is a stretch, but I have to say it. Since Motrin costs more than generic brand, maybe you can afford it by not purchasing a fancy schmancy baby sling. After all, just where are your priorities you crazy baby-wearing parents! Doesn’t your back pain come first? Why would you dare to consider wearing your baby in a carrier if it’s so painful. Oh yeah, because “it’s a good pain, for your kid.” Well, if that’s the way you crazy baby-wearing moms choose to be, you better have some Motrin on hand because you’re gonna need it. My opinion is that the Ad Agency for Motrin is ethically irresponsible for playing with this idea because it’s negative propaganda against attachment parents or “fashionable moms” who choose to wear their babies as a necessity — not an accessory.

Lastly, the video player in the ad is wonky. Turn-off. There is no clear indicator of when it’s finished the loading process. I fumbled with it to get it to work, but others might not (as noted in the original blog post).

1. Don’t hate Motrin, be pissed at the ad agency who didn’t properly test this ad.

2. Remember, even bad publicity is still publicity. You’re selling Motrin right now.

3. Spread the word about how good baby slings and carriers really are and what your experience is with them.

4. Buy generic ibuprofen and take some like I’m going to right now.

1. 
   

My Personal Experience with Baby Wearing
In the beginning, when babies are little, you have them in the carrier face forward and the back of the carrier helps to support their bobbly head and neck. They sleep so much better when they can feel the warmth of a body and hear your heartbeat. This is a FACT that the ad tries to dismiss.



Baby Wearing is not only for moms. My husband absolutely glowed whenever he wore his son close to his heart. It gave me a much needed break after carrying our son for nine months of excruciating nerve compression and pain during my pregnancy. One of the biggest benefits was that since I breastfeed, the baby wearing for Daddy gave him a chance to bond and negate that helpless feeling a lot of new fathers have. At first, I wondered why he was so eager to be the baby wearer all the time and then we went out to a museum for the first time and I understood. When I was pregnant and fully showing, people would always smile at me when we went anywhere. When Nate was wearing Lucian, he got to get all of that attention. (I kinda felt like chopped liver and it helped me to empathize with my husband more.) He always had a smile plastered across his face whenever we went anywhere because he always wore Lucian so proudly. It was not a fashion statement at all but more so a well-adjusted new father because of the ability to bond better, feel needed and publicly show caring and affection for his new child.



Baby slings and carriers are a great help in traveling and going places. I can not imagine how we would have done it sanely without one. We have traveled up and back to Flagstaff without a stroller which saved room in our trunk for everything else (ten hours of driving). We have flown across the country and back several times with just simple luggage like a backpack on me and the baby on his daddy in a carrier. We didn't have to check a stroller and lug it around. Whew!

Don't Waste Your Time and Money on the Expensive Brand-Name Pain Pills
So, here are some links to some nice baby carriers and slings and people who promote them that I thought of off the top of my head. There are many, many more. You can also find them at second-hand shops. Buy one as a gift for an expecting friend or hand yours down if you're no longer using it. If you know of any more, please link to them on your blog and in twitter and help promote the positive effects of baby wearing and other practices of Attachment Parenting. I don't know a whole lot about slings personally but I would love to use one the next time we have a baby. If you know of a great sling you love, please let me know in a comment. I'd really appreciate that!

Baby Bjorn
DadLabs: How to Wear a Baby Bjorn
DadLabs: About Baby Bjorn
Snugli by Evenflo
Maya Wrap

Several blogs are offering linkbacks and traffic pushing in an effort to bring about awareness. I support that and wish I had the time and energy to link to all of the posts that keep showing up but several people are working on culminating it all together to attain a solution and my hope is that they get the ad pulled and bring about awareness to baby wearing and Attachment Parenting and similar parenting styles. Who knows, maybe stock in baby carriers and slings will go up and it will help the economy in one small way.

It's worth a try and there is only one way to find out.

O Yes We Can!

Congratulations, United States of America!

It will take some time, but my bootstraps are thick.
Just a couple more months of that miserable old pric killjoy.

Yes we can.
Yes we did.
Yes we will.

And, Yes — I just did.

Hi, I'm a Mac

I was just reading some of the PPC Mac Owners Group comments over at MyAppleSpace where they had begun discussing their favorite PPC models. MyAppleSpace.com is a Ning group with around a thousand users now (and growing, hint, hint). It's just the kind of place I can really feel comfortable and ultra geeky and not worry what others will think of me. I think, or so they tell me over there, that I fit right in. If you're a Mac user and you haven't checked it out yet, you really should.

So, I was considering responding to one of the comments and sharing all the specs of my own machines and it got me thinking and even more excited about the upcoming announcements from Apple tomorrow on what could be new laptops in their product line. As I was drafting my post and sharing personal thoughts about my experiences, it made me nostalgic thinking about how far Apple has come in their development over the years. It's hard to believe that I've been a Mac user now for close to twenty years! (about 18 to be exact) Man, I feel old!

I can't wait to see what Steve will unveil tomorrow. I can't wait to twitter and chat and read live blogs about it all. There is much speculation about a significant price drop to new notebooks and I really hope it's true. Some of my friends and family members think I'm nuts for being so excited about this, but they just don't understand. Some people have cars and boats and other hobbies. This is mine. Maybe this will help you understand a little better.

Imagine if you will the droplet effect as we fade to black and white using a moiré pattern in 133 dpi.

I had been using Macs exclusively for commercial art in trade school since 1990 and continued to use them working in the field of advertising as a typesetter for a few years. Back then, the Shift key was your number one troubleshooting resource. Feeling unfulfilled as a pre-press technician, I decided to go back to school for my BFA so I could become a designer.

The first Mac I ever *bought* was in 1997 (I think). I was a communications design student at university and got sick of having to fight my way in to the Mac lab on campus each night to work on projects. I decided it was time to get my own Mac and spend my late nights at home instead of the lab. (Oddly enough, I believe I'm STILL paying off that Mac since it got financed in with the rest of my student loan debt.) Just the desktop alone cost $1900.00 back then through the university bookstore and that doesn't include the monitor, printer and UMAX scanner I purchased along with it. Oh, and also the RIP software I had to install so I could print postscript using an inkjet printer since I was developing some mad skillz at silhouetting objects in Photoshop and needed to be able to print EPS with clipping paths. Oh yeah, and also the design software: Quark XPress, Adobe Photoshop and Illustrator. I also bought Painter before Macromedia bought it.

I don't even want to know how much it all really cost me (including interest compounded).

I'll never forget that machine though. It was my baby. I knew all the sounds it made and could tell when there might be trouble or how long of a break I could take while waiting for it to boot up, connect and be ready to go. I got brave and upgraded the RAM and PCI slots myself to give it some USB ports. I remember one time I had an issue with the "personality card" and had to snap it back into place because the startup chime wasn't sounding. That case was NOT one of their better designs, I must say. The card would never stay in place. The modem also got fried at one point too. Good thing I finally got high speed internet via ethernet and didn't need it. To this day, the sounds of a fax machine make me cringe. Luckily I don't hear it very often anymore!

I suppose you're wondering what model it is? I'll give you a hint. Big, red, hairy monster.

Nope, not me after pulling another all-nighter.

Yep, it was a good ol' nicotine beige G3 266 Desktop. Code named: Gossamer. It had a 6GB HD, floppy and CD ROM drives but no built in Zip drive. I later regretted not getting that built in because I had to buy one separately later on since our art projects were getting larger and larger. When we needed to work during class, the lab's Macs had no Zip drives and it was at least helpful to bring your own — SCSI I should mention. No plug-n-play, nope...you had to shut it down, plug the damn thing in and boot it back up. I don't miss those days at all. I don't miss dealing with Extensions either even though I was quite a whiz at troubleshooting them 'back in the day.'

I upgraded it all the way up to OS X 10.2. It took me a while to switch over, but eventually I grew to love OS X. I was a die-hard Quark Xpress and OS 9.2.2 user. Maybe it's just the loyal Capricorn in me. I tried to hang onto this Mac as long as I could, but eventually the upgrades would cost almost as much as a new machine. When I upgraded to a new Mac, this one served for several more years as a scanning station since the new Mac didn't have SCSI to support my scanner. Eventually it became my Dad's first Mac. (Funny how parents of g33ks get their kids' hand-me-downs, huh?) (He now has a Mac Mini, but he's still using my old Monitor which I hope dies soon so he'll get a nice big flat screen for it. My Mom has a MacBook. They use their Macs to keep in touch with us since we live close to 3000 miles away.)

This PPC G3 now resides in my Dad's attic out in PA because I can not bear to throw it away. Someday I'll make a planter out of it or something, but I'll never part with it. There is even an LC575 up there keeping it company. One of these days I'll find something to do with them.

Some people collect stray cats. I collect stray Macs.

My next Mac was (and still is) a Quicksilver G4 800 MHz PPC. Despite using a MacBook Pro for my main machine now, the Quicksilver, in my opinion, was one of the best machines Apple ever made. My husband still uses this machine today and it still has the potential to be upgraded to run Leopard if I plunk in a new processor - which, someday when we have the money, I'll do. I bought this machine with my tax refund in 2001. I OWN it! I love being able to say that. Funny how this machine cost me $700 less than the first one and this one is paid off whereas the other one is lumped in with my college loan debt, sits in an attic and is not in use. I don't like being able to say that. :( At least my MacBook Pro has paid for itself with the consulting work I've done over the past year. I'm glad I can say I've paid for two out of the three I've purchased in the past decade. (The first was a bonus lesson in financing for educational expenses since I've put myself through college with little financial aid along the way and will probably be paying for it the rest of my life. Needless to say, I don't fancy designer clothing or accessories. I have my priorities.)

I still think the Quicksilver's hinged case design and grey plastic is the most efficient and beautiful desktop design. I like it even more than the silver aluminum, I must admit. I take pride in keeping this machine clean on the inside and outside. I love opening it up and looking around inside and dusting it out once in a while. The RAM is maxed out at 1GB and like I mentioned, it could still be upgraded to a higher processor to run Leopard. It's got a SCSI PCI card because it used to support that blasted old UMAX scanner too. I finally gave up on that damn thing and we got an HP all in one since my days of having to scan for pre-press are far and few in between now. I still have my Epson Photo Stylus 1200 printer. That printer hasn't been used in so long, poor thing. I'm not even sure the state of the drivers for it. I can't give up that hunk of plastic either because it got me through my portfolio nervous breakdown, I mean, class right before I graduated and earned my bachelor's degree. That printer, G3 and I went through many a long night together. We burned a lot of candles at both ends (along with cigarettes and soda pop - back then, but no longer, thank God!)

I think there are a lot of Mac users out there who are nostalgic about their machines and the memories and projects they've created with them. All of the creating, organizing, problem solving, learning, the "what do you mean I just lost the last hour's worth of work because I forgot to save?!!" "curse you %&#@ing bomb icon from hell!" I think many people have develop OCD and ticks because of it. Apple-S, Apple-S, Apple-S - it is your friend, right next to Apple-Z...they are bodily functions equivalent to blinking now – for me anyhow.

When the hard drive died in the Quicksilver G4 after 5 years of heavy use and barely ever being shut down, a friend came over and helped me replace it with one we pulled out of another machine scrapped for parts and not yet in use. Using my backup CDs, I was back up and running within 24 hours. Thing is, I still can't bear to part with the original hard drive, not only because I can still get it to boot up and connect externally with an IDE to USB converter, but because, well, I met my husband on that hard drive.

What?

Yeah, I met my husband — of now four happy years with one beautiful little Applet so far — online while using *that* machine with *that* hard drive. Some girls keep dried flowers in a box somewhere. Some girls keep their old Valentines in a box somewhere. I keep my old hard drive in a box somewhere. For me, there was something about the little Apple icon in his AIM avatar that turned me on. ;)

This Grrl has AOL chat transcripts saved in a folder containing love letters, poetry, emails and MP3s, PICTS and iTunes song lists. Even a QuickTime movie or two. (and they're all safely backed up for posterity.)

My old hard drive may be a hunk of metal and moving parts, but it's our little reminder of how far we've come in our relationship. From blinking cursors to beating hearts.

Ok, you can go puke now. It's ok. I know I'm a geek and I'm ok with that.

Anyhow, those are the two PPCs I've ever personally owned and interacted with in a loving manner. It's my story and I'm stickin to it!

We also have a Tangerine PPC G3 iMac with built in Airport that our son's uncle found and gave to us for his godson to play with. I have it all set up as a play toy for him in his bedroom. He loves it. He's only 2 and can already log into his own little account and play AlphaBaby by himself.

In addition to those three working Macs used in our home, we also have a couple of other legacy Machines laying around in the garage for parts. There is a Grape tray load iMac and something like an LC575 or close to it. It's fun to boot that thing up and watch the twisted After Dark screen savers.

Then there is my husband's "lab" at the high school where he teaches Physics. Wanna see some beige in action? He's got about 8 PPCs (and lower – Performas anyone?) networked, using parallel, to two printers. I don't think a single one of them is running anything beyond OS 8.1. Two of them have black and white screens. The kids only use them for graphical analysis where they graph data using Excel and print out their charts. My husband is the kind of teacher who still keeps several dictionaries throughout the classrooms, purposely uses big words and makes his kids "look it up" when they don't understand a certain word he says. He doesn't realize how much he's making these kids appreciate modern technology by keeping those old dinosaurs around, so it's our little secret. (Until he reads this. Hi Sweetie!)

One of these days, I'd like to put together the little old Grape slot-load iMac and set it up in his lab. The last modification I'd make to it though is I'd like to paint all the purple parts black so it not only like the more modern black and aluminum theme, but it will coordinate with his black slate table tops as well.

So, yeah, I guess you could say I'm a bit of an Apple fangirl because of the many fond memories I have of using Apple's PowerPC models (and earlier). I'll always be excited to partake in the progress of this revolutionary company as it's proven nothing but a worthy investment to me. While it's true both Mac and Windows' operating systems run on "PCs" using Intel as opposed to PowerPC processing, the difference is that the Windows PC is a more of a Public Computer than personal, while the Mac, to me, truly is and will always be the Powerful, Personable Computer.

Hi, I'm a Mac and I'm personable.

Geek cred to whoever can identify the Mac I'm sitting at in the yearbook photo above!