Sunday More or Less

Sunday Weigh-In Day
Finally! The scale has budged! Let's get the ugly part over with though, shall we? I now weigh 191 lbs. That's down a couple of lbs. from the last post so that's a good thing. I still don't have the motivation to "exercise" like I was but I have been controlling my eating habits a little more than last time. I know what I need to do to lose weight but it's so frustrating that I just don't have the will-power to actually hunker down and just do it and stick to it. I know that if I got more sleep, I would lose weight. I know that if I ate more protein and fiber I would lose weight. I know if I cut out the sugar, I would lose weight. I know, I know, I friggin know so why don't I do it?

“You know more than you think you know, just as you know less than you want to know." — Oscar Wilde

Is food really that addicting? I know it's a dumb question and I'm smart enough to know the answer. I know it's all about lifestyle change. I hate lifestyle changes just as much as the next person. I wish I could embrace it better. I've changed my life so much in the past decade that it just kind of makes me feel exhausted to change yet one more thing. Can't I just be good enough as I am? No, because the way I am is not good. I'm unhealthy. I know I can be improved. I've just lost track of what version this is. Melissa 30 point 3 build 030208? It's like I keep reinventing myself. Maybe that's why I'm so friggin tired all the time. It's like my old struggle to quit smoking years ago. Well, at least I can actually type that. Wow. I don't think I ever did that before. I'm feeling brave now so I'll just go with it.

Smoke and Mirrors
I used to smoke. I used to smoke a lot. I smoked for almost 15 years. I struggled with that addiction for so long and tried to quit several times. I wasn't just a casual smoker either although I was a bit of a closet smoker. There are many people who know me that probably never knew I smoked or would be shocked to find out about it. Oops, oh well. Get over it. I'm trying to.

“I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then" — Lewis Carroll

It was something I was never proud of and tried my best to hide it as much as I could. I smoked menthol lights. There was even a time when I smoked regular old New Ports. Yuck. Well, thank God for interventions like getting pregnant. I hate to put it that way, but it's the truth. I so thought I was going to be one of those people who prepares for having a baby by losing weight and getting in shape and and changing for the better. But, it just wasn't me. After watching so many of my close friends struggle to conceive, I didn't want to focus so much on getting pregnant to the point of driving myself nuts with trying to conceive. I thought it was best to just go about life as normal and just assume that it wouldn't happen for a while. Well, I guess that plan worked because we got pregnant right away.

I absolutely hate to admit this, but I smoked for the first couple of weeks before I knew I was pregnant or sure. I was in denial for the longest time. Then when I did know, I still smoked very lightly and hated myself for it every day over a couple of weeks until I quit for good. I wish I could have just quit cold turkey, but I think the way I did do it was maybe better for the baby even though it all just sounds wrong. I basically cut down and weaned myself off of it gradually. I begged the OB for a prescription for one of those patch programs but she said that was worse for the baby than actually smoking. That blew my mind. They also said that while they strongly advised quitting was the best thing that going cold turkey might not be the best thing for me. I thought that was shocking advice as well, but it did make sense to me. I was afraid that if I just up and quit cold turkey that I might not stay quit. I had to do it for me, not just for the baby. So, I gradually cut down and basically went through a process until finally, I just said enough, I've done this for far too long, I had my fill, this is the last time and it's the first day of the rest of my life as a non-smoker. I haven't picked one up since.

It's a wonder my child is so healthy. I felt so guilty and worried about it in the beginning thinking I had damaged him. I'm just really thankful I had the sense to quit when I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Now my biggest fear is ever getting hooked on it again. I have serious doubts I would though because I'm so repulsed by it now. Some of my husband's family members smoke and if I even get a whiff of it, I try to grab Lucian and get him as far away from it as possible. I know I can't protect him from every danger out there, but right now, I just don't even like it that he sees someone smoking. I'm not sure what's the best way to deal with this, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.

There are times when it's a little sketchy though. It's one of the reasons why I rarely drink anymore. I used to smoke and drink casually with my husband and family and there are times when I really miss it. When I met my husband and got married, I had already toned it down a lot from before. Beer, wine and cigarettes just went so good together for me way back when. Back when I was putting myself through college and partying with bikers on the weekends. I used to ride motorcycles too. I actually took a course, passed and got my motorcycle license. (I passed it with colors if you count the black and blues from dropping the bike a couple of times! Tip, don't put your keys in your pocket and then land on that side.) I even had a 750 Virago with a purple gas tank that my ex fixed up for me. I think I drove it 2 or 3 times. It was too much bike for me though. I laid it down in a gravel parking lot once and that wasn't fun so I decided not to pursue being the driver and stuck to being the passenger. Then that ended when my ex totaled the bike on his way to work. That was also the beginning of the end of that relationship too, so it was all for the best.

Quitting smoking also plays a part in my struggle to get out and be social. I have no problem wanting to go on play dates – that's safe, but going out with some girlfriends for a drink is another story. I'm afraid of going to bars because I'm afraid I'll loosen up too much and make poor decisions like smoking so I just avoid it right now. It's been over 2 years since I quit smoking, but I still don't think I'm ready to be around alcohol and smokers at a public bar. It's probably just better that way. I'll stick to my computer habit, thankyouverymuch.

Time May Change Me, But I Can't Trace Time
Anyhow, I did manage to get a little more shuteye here and there, just a tiny bit. Alright, maybe I didn't, but I think about sleeping a lot more now. Lucian is starting to sleep a little more solid now that he's in his own room. There are still a couple of nights where he is restless and I know as soon as I try to nod off, he'll be awake and won't go back to sleep. So, part of my sleeping problem is still that I anticipate him waking as I want to go to sleep.

I think I've also discovered why I have so much energy at night instead of during the day. Of course, duh, because when the boys go to sleep, that is the only time of the day when I can work without distraction! I can actually get some house cleaning done, fit in some freelancing, blogging and other "me time" activities that I just can not do when Dr. Destructo (Lucian) is awake and on the loose. I get to feeling trapped in my own home sometimes because I have to stop what I'm trying to do either for myself or the house or the hubby and focus on the child. I know I should be grateful and this time will not last, but sometimes it's just a real challenge because I have to separate myself from things I want to do for me and for us and put it off for another time. I've been struggling with time management lately. I just admire other people who can really pull it off. I guess I just have to stop being so hard on myself and just realize that Rome was not built in a day in just let things go a little more.

I have also kept up with my water intake and this past week I've really tried hard to ramp up on protein and fiber. It seems to have worked so I hope I can keep riding this positive reinforcement. I'm thinking that maybe instead of beating myself up so much about not exercising, maybe what I need to do it try to lose a couple more pounds just with diet control and then maybe that will enable me to get more motivated to exercise more. I'm staying pretty active as much as I can. I've done a few house calls and work at the clinic. We've had some running around to do this past week and it involved getting up and out of the house crazy early, so that has helped out a lot too.

As for food, having deli meat and hard boiled eggs at the ready to snack on is helping too I think. My biggest weakness is the carbs. I'm part Italian, so I was raised on carbs. We had pasta every Sunday and lots of bread so I'm just so programmed to want to eat that way all the time. It is a real struggle for me to resist carbs when I want to snack. So, I've been trying to eat more meat in the process. It's not easy since I'm really not a big meat eater. I'm not a vegetarian, but I could live without red meat if I had to. Although I do love roast beef. I also need to concentrate on eating more frequently. I go too far in between without eating and I'm sure that is not good for my metabolism.

I'm also trying to be much more conscientious about the kind of food we keep in the home. This is a little difficult because Hubby likes to spoil us with his cooking and some of it can involve some very rich foods that might taste really really great, but they just aren't good for our waistlines. Since he does most of the cooking (and the grocery shopping), this is going to be a challenge. He likes to indulge in things and enables my bad habits without realizing it. (Hubby, are you reading this? I l love you, but you spoil me rotten sometimes!) Just last week, I resisted the urge to get tater tots like we normally do. I replaced them with veggies in one meal I cooked. Hubby wasn't too happy about it. I don't know if I'm cut out for this tough love thing. I think I'm going to suck at it. We'll see.

I said so. There. hmmmmm

Booger Patrol is Slacking Off
I even finally managed to take Lucian to our first 'play date!' That was pretty cool. I met another Mom from Myspace, of all places, and we finally got to calling each other and I went to her house for the first time. We've been exchanging letters and notes since last year, but I just haven't gotten motivated to call her and finally she called me and we chatted for a while. Then I was out running errands and decided to call her and see if she wanted to get together. She invited us to her place. It was cool, she's very easy going and her kids are adorable. Her house is not immaculate, so that made me relax about my house not being so perfect either. I now feel more comfortable and might invite her and her kids out to my place soon. The only problem is I don't have any yard toys yet.

The other issue I have is with Lucian's demeanor. My child is sooo mellow compared to other kids. And, I happen to LIKE IT THAT WAY! This new friend's kids are really energetic and I'm not yet sure how to act around them. Lucian played with them just fine. He wasn't shy at all. I just fear that he will start to get more and more aggressive as I start introducing him to playing with more and more kids. I'll start wondering where he learned how to hit or pinch or bite. Not looking forward to that at all.

There is also the germ factor that I'm not looking forward to. Every kid has a runny nose or crusty boogers it seems. Now that he's older and I can't get him to sit still for the Booger Police like I used to, he's got crusty boogers too. Lovely. My kid is now a snot-nosed brat. I wish it weren't true, but those boogers, they just seem to find their way of creeping out and hanging on. Since he's not as attached to my body as he used to be, the boogers seem to win more and more.
Why oh why has someone not invented a giant hamster ball for toddlers? Why? Is it really that hard? I mean, there could be a little door to put food in there and maybe mount a sippy cup in there. C'mon? What's the hold up here people? Look! They make one for big people!

Well, as usual, I am rambling. I know I had so many other things I wanted to post about, but those thoughts have also gone somewhere to die in my brain only to swim around later when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I know I want to blog more about technology and some of the projects I'm working on, but I'm just not ready post without doing a little more research first. I suppose I will just try to dream about it for the time being and hope to get the focus and motivation I need to post it sooner than later. Maybe I need to get me one of those giant hamster balls to run around in!

I think I'll end here with one more quote I really like. It kind of says it all to me without being and excuse to slack off either. It helps me to forgive myself when I'm just trying to do the right thing.

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." – Friedrich Nietzsche

I am My Own Mystery

My thought for the day. (The one that managed to get out of my brain and into my blog unlike so many other thoughts that just go to die somewhere I'll never know.)

Mothers who work in the field of technology are a mystery, even to those of us who do IT. We all wonder, how DO they do it? How do they FIND the time? It's not that Mothers who work in other fields aren't also a mystery. It's a wonder how all Mothers manage to fit it all in and still be there for husbands, kids, careers, friends, dogs, hamsters, blogs, death, and taxes — in no particular order.

There is something to be said for how publicized a Mommy Tech's life can be with the advent of blogs and other public steam vents. More than ever before, this brings some kind of hidden truth to the surface for all to see if only through a looking glass.

Finding time happens somewhere in between feeding your own passions which motivates you to MAKE the time to explore your curiosity. Never stop being curious. Keep building the mystery. TIME will find you.

Have Fun Friday

Wanna do something fun? Does a bear use Charmin hanging from a tree branch in the woods? Of course you do! Mrs. Flinger has a post called Flashback Friday which was inspired by some other cool bloggers and I thought it looked like so much fun so I had to join in and post a link to it here. (well actually, back a few words where the text changes color, you know.)

The game is you share a post about a song from way back when (whenever is way back when for you) that changed your life somehow. Then share the links on your blog with us and we'll share yours. Like OMG! It will be so bitchin'!

Not quite sure how to define "life changing," so we'll leave that up to you. For me, child birth as a life changing event somehow trumps the time when I said I was "going to the Library" when in fact I actually um, well, you know... but here's the kicker, the soundtrack was "Kingdom Come" the 1988 album. (it was a knock-off Led Zeppelin band - but of course Zep rules!) I think I'm going to be ill just thinking about that experience. (and how bad of a band they were)

I posted a month ago on a related topic about Dire Straits' Money for Nothing. If you decide to read that post, watch out for the profanity. And the sex. Nah, just profanity, I was just trying to get you to click there. Wait, oh yeah, there's a little bit of sex in that one, I almost forgot!

So, have some fun with this. Leave me some comments and links to your posts so we can all share and sigh a collective sigh about a time when Michael Jackson was still an attractive and relatively sane black man, George Michael was a hot straight man and I wanted to be "havin' his baby," and Whitney Houston was sober and made me believe in the children and that she was serious about it.

Could this be kind of like passing notes around in 5th grade? (except without the getting in trouble part? suh-weet!)

Oh, and if I still have your attention, what was the name of that origami-looking finger game thing with the numbers and colors? I can't even think of what it's called to google it, but if someone has instructions for making one, I would so love to see it.

If you too used to sing "I'm Your Penis" instead of "I'm Your Venus" drop me a comment.

If you remember when it was cool to wear hot pink and aqua together, send me some comment love.

If I can get at least 10 comments on this post, I'll go dig out my high school year book and scan a picture of me with big hair and post it.

Like you care, but I thought I'd try it anyhow. I don't know why I think that is such a reward, but I have been meaning to do it anyhow just for fun.

Comment motivation is a good thing because I've lost count how many times I've had to put this laptop down and go prevent my child from harming himself or something in the house. You think it should be easy to type a couple of words and click the publish button, but nooooo. Not at my house where constant interruption is king.

You know you're either really, really old or a Mother when you look forward to nap time and bed time all the time.

Have fun!

Put your link in the comments and I'll try to list the participants as I read em'.
Mrs. Flinger
Sweetney
Her Bad Mother
Oh The Joys
Mamalogues
Girl’s Gone Child
Whoorl
Mom-101
Izzymom

The Tell-Tale Heart

Look what I discovered in the recent batch of potatoes we bought the other week! It's a heart-shaped potato! Have you ever seen one this shape before?


What do you think this means? Is it some strange sign?



thump thump, thump thump, thump thump

spooky huh?

Does This Blog Make My Butt Look Fat?

Whine and Cheese Go Together
Maaann (insert whine) is it Sunday already? Today kind of evaporated for me. I didn't even remember to weigh in this morning. For some reason it just didn't feel like a Sunday for me. Yep, that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! I'm not even going to grace this entry with a Sunday Weigh-In header or pic link. Just the thought of a scale pisses me off right now. Does that mean that this blog topic is counter-productive? I have been extremely unmotivated lately. I haven't been sticking to my dance-around-the-house-like-a-crazy-person routine. I've just felt too blah and achy lately.

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Husband
Part of the other problem has been Hubby's herniated disk flared up on him. I think it might be a result of the pressure he's under to take these damn 12 credit courses for NCLB. It's been putting a strain on our whole little family but we're doing the best we can to be supportive because that's what marriage and family is all about. So, I've had 2 boys to take care of. Not that Hubby can't take care of himself, but he's usually a real team player when it comes to keeping the house from total chaos to the point where I can't handle it, but with him being down and out this past week, the house kept throwing up on itself and I felt like it would never look livable again. Today we kicked some butt getting the kitchen cleaned, floors vacuumed and laundry put away. Yay for us! Such an accomplishment. Hubby is slowly getting back to being more functional but it's slow going and frustrating for everyone — especially him. He still can't drive so I'll have to take him to work and pick him up, but maybe it will get my ass out of the house. I wish I had more patience for him and it makes me even more frustrated that I don't because he has endless patience. I wish I could take care of him the way he's taken care of me.

The thing that really gets me down is that it all just shouldn't be so much of a challenge to keep the house in order or to want to care for my ailing husband more than I do. I just feel so tapped out lately. I should be able to do this all on my own without asking for help.

I should be able to vacuum wearing a plastic pearl necklace and high heels from Payless™ at the very least!

It just seems like it's a never ending vicious cycle and sometimes I just feel like I'd rather hide from the housecleaning and veg out on the computer every chance I get. Which is basically what I did last week. I just said to hell with the house, but after a while, I got sick of washing dirty dishes one at a time on an as needed basis. It also didn't help that the kitchen sink drain was clogged for 2 days and we couldn't run the dishwasher either. I was soooo tempted to use paper plates but I'm married to a science teacher, remember? That would not have been a very environmentally- nor economically-friendly decision now would it?

600 Pound Gorilla in Stirrups
I've been very anxious and angry lately. I went in for my yearly "lady checkup" need I say more. Well, that just made things worse. I was seen by a nurse practitioner whom I hadn't been seen by before. The one I really like was booked on the day I scheduled the appointment, but at the time I didn't care because you know, once you've had a baby, lady parts are lady parts and so many people (nurses, doctors, janitors, drummers — oh wait, that was back in high school) have seen them I don't care much anymore who does my annual exam.

Gimme a 3-foot long Q-tip and a banana clip and I'll do it myself, I don't care.

Anyway, so I discuss my various questions with the nurse, blah blah blah and we get to the part where I discuss with her my feelings of anxiety and my problems with insomnia. I kind of expected to hear, oh, it's all a normal part of adjusting to life as a stay at home mom and being a new mother, you're fine, do this, do that, maybe go back on the Zoloft at half the dosage.

(I don't know why, but the voice I hear in my head when I write quotes about someone saying something is many times Edie McClurg. Does that happen to anyone else or is it just me?)

I guess that was asking too much. Long story short, I walked out of there feeling pretty crappy about myself. It turns out I'm not only fat, I'm also crazy too. It was recommended to me that I "seek counseling" and that my problems are "beyond normal separation anxiety" and this is "something else and you need to see someone about it."

Oh, and she didn't call me "fat" — of course a nurse wouldn't use that term. No, she said — in reference to me discussing some other issues — "well, when you're heavy, sometimes..."

Heavy. There's a new word. I've been overweight and big-boned, but never, never heavy. That stung. And then, just to lay the icing on the rich and creamy chocolate frosted cake I would so love to shove my fat face into right now, I asked about staying on prenatal vitamins and if there were any disadvantages to doing so because my husband and I would like to start trying for another baby in October. First, she said, as she was checking my breasts for anything unusual, "no, the prenatal vitamins are good, stay on them, there's no danger in staying on them" and then in her next breath she raised her eyebrows at me and in a condescending voice said "but I really don't think you're ready to have another baby, not after what you just told me, it doesn't sound like you're ready."

My heart sank. It's bad enough I beat myself up about whether or not I'm ready for another baby - after the horrible and horrifying experiences I had with my first pregnancy and delivery, I really do not need any help in adding to that self doubt and fear.

But, there it was, the bonus of this particular office visit. As if the generous amounts of lube and scraping of my cervix weren't enough. It seemed like the gift that just kept on giving. I felt like the the dejected loser walking away from a game of Wheel of Fortune Teller where that announcer guy tells you about the prizes you get to take with you for playing.

Drink more Ovaltine? WTF?
So, I think you get the point. I feel shitty and I'm sorry this blog post is so depressing. I'm sure I'll find some way to bounce back. I usually do. I am considering going to see a counselor, but I'm not sure what good it will do. I've been in therapy before when I was a teen. I know which way the revolving door swings. (That there was in the voice of Eeyore, just so you know.)

I dread making an appointment because due to our lovely health care system, I can't just look in the phone book for Quacks-r-Us pick up the phone and make an appointment. First I have to pick a primary care provider which I haven't done in the 4 years I've lived here because I procrastinated (shocking, I know) and when I was pregnant, my OBGYN was my PCP. Next, I have to make an appointment as a new patient and probably get a physical. And, just who is going to watch my kid while this happens? Then, that doc will have to write me a referral to a psychiatrist or "therapist" and then I'll have to make an appointment to talk to that person. Probably repeatedly where I'll have to talk about my mother. And what a friggin joy THAT will be. Then I'll need regression therapy. Again, I ask, who will watch my kid while this takes place? Oh and how much is it going to cost in co-pays and prescriptions each month?

Where is that damn whine I asked for? Maybe I should drink some and watch Dr. Phil. Better yet, maybe I should click on the phishing links the spammers send me about free medication! Yeah! That's it!

Send me some Viagra. I would so much rather have priapism than this right now.

Well, hopefully my next post will be something more interesting. I'll try posting next about my adventures in converting an AOL Contact List into an Apple Address Book! That will be fun!

de Composition

Science Teachers are in Demand.
You Could Have Fooled Me.
My husband is a Science Teacher. He teaches high school physics as well as integrated science. He loves what he does, has a passion for doing it and I really admire him for it. I just wish he could do his job and be free to focus on being his best so he could be happy along with it. Being his best is what makes him happy and when he's happy he can be his best. Is that too much to ask?

Unfortunately, life in our home is becoming more and more like the latest lab project: simulation of a landfill decomposition.

I hear a lot of crap about public schools lately and it aggravates me. I am not against home schooling or private schools either. I feel that parents should do what they feel is right for THEIR children. Period. If you want to home school your child, do it. If you want to send your child to private school, do it. Find a way to make it work. Work WITH your children whatever you decide, that is the most important part. So long as your child can become a productive part of society, you're contributing to a greater good. The parents really are in charge when it comes to the education of their children. I wonder how many parents know that. They have the right to say no and ask for more and to make change. (Both the verb and the noun.)

I know that's easy for me to say, my kid isn't even 2 yet, but I have worked inside of the public school system. I've been a student. I've been an instructor. I've been support staff. I've attended public school. My siblings have attended private school. I've attended vocational school. I've attended university. I've served on a curriculum board. I'm married to it no matter which way I turn. I consider myself to be an educated parent and I will use that one day when the time comes for my son to go to school. The plan is to stay involved.

The bottom line is that everyone tries to do their very best when it comes to providing a quality education. You have to know that people who serve in the field of education, any type — public, private, home school — they don't do it for the money! They do it for the passion of educating – to say the least. When I say they though, I am referring to the people in the trenches. The people who are not looking at the numbers and the money and the test scores and the reputation. Those people do it for different reasons and I have a hard time believing it's for the passion and the cause. They do not serve, they manage. Mange to get by is sometimes how it seems. For starters, their pay checks are a lot larger. Their perks and benefits are more bountiful. But they stand a lot to lose if they don't mind their Ps and Qs. Many of them walk away sooner than later and the mess accumulates.

Are you still with me on the landfill analogy?

I'm getting sick and tired of the blame being thrown at the teachers and the support staff. When are people going to look at the administrators and higher-ups a little more closely and hold THEM accountable for the decisions made? It's not just the TEACHERS who have to jump through hoops set ablaze with fire each and every time. We all know how this affects the students, the main cause for the concern, but not many stop to consider the families of the teachers that poor management decisions affect.

Burning Ring of Fire
[To the Administrators and People in the Decision Making Position:] When you ask a teacher to jump through a hoop, you are also asking his/her class and students jump too. When you ask a teacher to jump through a hoop, you are also asking his/her family jump too. Do you consider the full range of consequences for all involved when you create these rules and mandates? In whose best interest is it really? Where are the measurable goals?

I find myself questioning this often. Like this landfill decomposition experiment, I wonder if we will watch some pieces break down into nothing while some just remain the same.

I'm Proud to be Married to a Teacher, but...
Since my husband is a Science Teacher in the state of AZ, the wonderful law known as 'No Child Gets Ahead' mandates that he has to take 12 credits of Life Sciences so he can teach 'integrated' science to 9th graders and be considered 'Highly Qualified.' This is the state of Arizona's interpretation of the law I might add. Never mind the fact that he is able to complete and satisfy the worksheet known as 'HOUSSE' handed down by the state. Never mind the fact that he has already passed a test they recommended he take (and pay for out of pocket) (with flying colors) that was supposed to have proven his 'Highly Qualified' status — and later was decided it did not. Never mind the fact that his transcripts list above and beyond what is needed in credits for a bachelors degree to be able to teach college preparatory physics to high school students. And, this mind you, is just for one of the bachelors degrees he holds – with honors, I might add. Never mind that he was hired first and foremost as a Physics Teacher and is now required to teach outside of his area of concentration.

Multiple Choice

• Is this his fault? No.
• Does he want to keep his job? Yes.
• Is this a threat? We wonder.
• Why is it so hard to find and keep good teachers, let alone Science Teachers? See above.

Even though he is good enough on paper and in black and white, pen and ink and number two pencil, it is not good enough for someone and I've lost track of who exactly. The school's CYA file, I believe.

Ok, so I'm not trying to brag about my husband's accomplishments, but I am proud of him and will shout if from the mountain tops. Someone has to. If I don't, who will?

I might also add that they don't even care to specify the courses he has to take. All they want are for the credits to appear on his official transcript. They don't care so long as he gets a C average and the courses are within the area of Life Sciences. Plus, he has to complete it within a set amount of time on top of teaching his normal course load full time. He's now grading homework on top of doing homework.

We're all for professional development to make sure all teachers are at the top of their game, but this is not helping anyone. It's satisfying some draconian mandate and that's all.

Where is the Return on Investment?
So why am I the one whining about this? I'm just the wife, right? Wrong. I'm the other half of this business venture. It's our bank account that the money has to come from to pay for the 12 credit courses he has to take. Yes, it comes out of OUR pockets, not the school or the state who requires it. That means a larger strain on the one income we are surviving on. Can it be reabsorbed by the umbrella of 'professional development?' Sure. Over time. But who knows what additional expenses will be required. We have no way of knowing for sure if this will be an ROI. There is no measurement in place in order to be able to answer that conclusively. What other occupations require you to spend money to better yourself and then turn around and tell you it's still not good enough?

If I didn't know better, I'd say that the teaching profession appears to be one of the biggest codependent relationships that is continuously exploited at everyone's cost and for no one's perceived benefit.

I also whine because this additional strain in work load not only means less father-son time, but it also means reduced wages for me. That can't be good. Since he's been taking these courses, currently 2 at a time, he isn't as available to help care for our son so I can leave the house more often and go make some money. That makes me a little cranky. I like a break once in a while and I like to make money while I'm on my break. Day care is so expensive that it just doesn't make sense for me to work full time especially for the peanut shells I was making when I did full time in the education services field. One of us doing it full time is bad enough!

On top of the assignments he brings home to grade, he now has his own assignments and labs. So, I chip in where I can getting supplies ready, counting beans, digging dirt, building a simulated landfill in a soda bottle. I can't wait till we get to grow some Sea Monkeys! Yeah, like we don't have better things to do.

All I can say, is just like a landfill, it's beginning to stink. We'll have to find some way to work through this together and find some better solutions to deal with the crap that keeps piling up on us. I know we will (be cliché) and rise above it. We will strive to be a part of the solution and not the problem. It will not be easy, but we can not let it bury and dissolve our passions.

I have hope that we can make change — the one that is the verb. Although, the noun would be really, really nice too!