de Composition

Science Teachers are in Demand.
You Could Have Fooled Me.
My husband is a Science Teacher. He teaches high school physics as well as integrated science. He loves what he does, has a passion for doing it and I really admire him for it. I just wish he could do his job and be free to focus on being his best so he could be happy along with it. Being his best is what makes him happy and when he's happy he can be his best. Is that too much to ask?

Unfortunately, life in our home is becoming more and more like the latest lab project: simulation of a landfill decomposition.

I hear a lot of crap about public schools lately and it aggravates me. I am not against home schooling or private schools either. I feel that parents should do what they feel is right for THEIR children. Period. If you want to home school your child, do it. If you want to send your child to private school, do it. Find a way to make it work. Work WITH your children whatever you decide, that is the most important part. So long as your child can become a productive part of society, you're contributing to a greater good. The parents really are in charge when it comes to the education of their children. I wonder how many parents know that. They have the right to say no and ask for more and to make change. (Both the verb and the noun.)

I know that's easy for me to say, my kid isn't even 2 yet, but I have worked inside of the public school system. I've been a student. I've been an instructor. I've been support staff. I've attended public school. My siblings have attended private school. I've attended vocational school. I've attended university. I've served on a curriculum board. I'm married to it no matter which way I turn. I consider myself to be an educated parent and I will use that one day when the time comes for my son to go to school. The plan is to stay involved.

The bottom line is that everyone tries to do their very best when it comes to providing a quality education. You have to know that people who serve in the field of education, any type — public, private, home school — they don't do it for the money! They do it for the passion of educating – to say the least. When I say they though, I am referring to the people in the trenches. The people who are not looking at the numbers and the money and the test scores and the reputation. Those people do it for different reasons and I have a hard time believing it's for the passion and the cause. They do not serve, they manage. Mange to get by is sometimes how it seems. For starters, their pay checks are a lot larger. Their perks and benefits are more bountiful. But they stand a lot to lose if they don't mind their Ps and Qs. Many of them walk away sooner than later and the mess accumulates.

Are you still with me on the landfill analogy?

I'm getting sick and tired of the blame being thrown at the teachers and the support staff. When are people going to look at the administrators and higher-ups a little more closely and hold THEM accountable for the decisions made? It's not just the TEACHERS who have to jump through hoops set ablaze with fire each and every time. We all know how this affects the students, the main cause for the concern, but not many stop to consider the families of the teachers that poor management decisions affect.

Burning Ring of Fire
[To the Administrators and People in the Decision Making Position:] When you ask a teacher to jump through a hoop, you are also asking his/her class and students jump too. When you ask a teacher to jump through a hoop, you are also asking his/her family jump too. Do you consider the full range of consequences for all involved when you create these rules and mandates? In whose best interest is it really? Where are the measurable goals?

I find myself questioning this often. Like this landfill decomposition experiment, I wonder if we will watch some pieces break down into nothing while some just remain the same.

I'm Proud to be Married to a Teacher, but...
Since my husband is a Science Teacher in the state of AZ, the wonderful law known as 'No Child Gets Ahead' mandates that he has to take 12 credits of Life Sciences so he can teach 'integrated' science to 9th graders and be considered 'Highly Qualified.' This is the state of Arizona's interpretation of the law I might add. Never mind the fact that he is able to complete and satisfy the worksheet known as 'HOUSSE' handed down by the state. Never mind the fact that he has already passed a test they recommended he take (and pay for out of pocket) (with flying colors) that was supposed to have proven his 'Highly Qualified' status — and later was decided it did not. Never mind the fact that his transcripts list above and beyond what is needed in credits for a bachelors degree to be able to teach college preparatory physics to high school students. And, this mind you, is just for one of the bachelors degrees he holds – with honors, I might add. Never mind that he was hired first and foremost as a Physics Teacher and is now required to teach outside of his area of concentration.

Multiple Choice

• Is this his fault? No.
• Does he want to keep his job? Yes.
• Is this a threat? We wonder.
• Why is it so hard to find and keep good teachers, let alone Science Teachers? See above.

Even though he is good enough on paper and in black and white, pen and ink and number two pencil, it is not good enough for someone and I've lost track of who exactly. The school's CYA file, I believe.

Ok, so I'm not trying to brag about my husband's accomplishments, but I am proud of him and will shout if from the mountain tops. Someone has to. If I don't, who will?

I might also add that they don't even care to specify the courses he has to take. All they want are for the credits to appear on his official transcript. They don't care so long as he gets a C average and the courses are within the area of Life Sciences. Plus, he has to complete it within a set amount of time on top of teaching his normal course load full time. He's now grading homework on top of doing homework.

We're all for professional development to make sure all teachers are at the top of their game, but this is not helping anyone. It's satisfying some draconian mandate and that's all.

Where is the Return on Investment?
So why am I the one whining about this? I'm just the wife, right? Wrong. I'm the other half of this business venture. It's our bank account that the money has to come from to pay for the 12 credit courses he has to take. Yes, it comes out of OUR pockets, not the school or the state who requires it. That means a larger strain on the one income we are surviving on. Can it be reabsorbed by the umbrella of 'professional development?' Sure. Over time. But who knows what additional expenses will be required. We have no way of knowing for sure if this will be an ROI. There is no measurement in place in order to be able to answer that conclusively. What other occupations require you to spend money to better yourself and then turn around and tell you it's still not good enough?

If I didn't know better, I'd say that the teaching profession appears to be one of the biggest codependent relationships that is continuously exploited at everyone's cost and for no one's perceived benefit.

I also whine because this additional strain in work load not only means less father-son time, but it also means reduced wages for me. That can't be good. Since he's been taking these courses, currently 2 at a time, he isn't as available to help care for our son so I can leave the house more often and go make some money. That makes me a little cranky. I like a break once in a while and I like to make money while I'm on my break. Day care is so expensive that it just doesn't make sense for me to work full time especially for the peanut shells I was making when I did full time in the education services field. One of us doing it full time is bad enough!

On top of the assignments he brings home to grade, he now has his own assignments and labs. So, I chip in where I can getting supplies ready, counting beans, digging dirt, building a simulated landfill in a soda bottle. I can't wait till we get to grow some Sea Monkeys! Yeah, like we don't have better things to do.

All I can say, is just like a landfill, it's beginning to stink. We'll have to find some way to work through this together and find some better solutions to deal with the crap that keeps piling up on us. I know we will (be cliché) and rise above it. We will strive to be a part of the solution and not the problem. It will not be easy, but we can not let it bury and dissolve our passions.

I have hope that we can make change — the one that is the verb. Although, the noun would be really, really nice too!

Pass Me the Sunday with Sprinkles

Sunday Weigh-In Day
Not much to report. I've been a slacker. Haven't been too motivated with much of anything lately. I think it's hormonal. That's what I feel like blaming it on for now. Zits are annoying. Why couldn't I have gotten this out of the way in my teens like everyone else? I was such a nerd then (and now) anyhow so it's not like I would have missed out on anything additionally. I pissed God off at some point and now the zit on the side of my nostril is a reminder. Hubby jokes at me to put Windex on it. One of these days I just might get desperate and try that. Lovely. I've now blogged about zits. What is the world coming to? Current weight is 194 lbs. Measuring tape is still cringing in a corner somewhere. Another half pound crept back on. I think it hitched a ride in with the damn Cheesecake kisses that still taunt me inside the refrigerator door.

Hubby read blog. Hubby too afraid to hide chocolate from Wifey now. Hubby wise man.

The laundry, the unvacuumed floor, the dishes, they can all kiss my ass. PMS - pissed mommy snaps!
What's your vote for what PMS really stands for?

That Reminds Me...

A friend of mine is getting ready to have a baby. She told me (emailed me) that she is terrified and excited all at the same time. Yep, that's about right. She also asked me what my labor and delivery was like. Simple question, not so simple answer. So, I started writing her back. I'm debating yet about what exactly I want to tell her. Should I try to keep it short and simple or should I continue the long letter I'm composing which chronicles all of the details?

I don't yet have a whole lot of experience being on the other side of the fence talking to pregnant women about what to expect. It's still kinda fresh for me yet. I'm still not 100 percent over being completely traumatized by the event. I can at least talk about it fondly and without breaking into a puddle of tears, but there are details I still find so horrifying that I'm not sure it would be a good thing to disclose to someone about to embark on the journey of labor and delivery.

What do I say to her? Does she really want to know the truth? Should I give her all the gory details about what it's like to have a Cesarean section? If I tell the truth, women will stop having sex and having babies and the human race will end right?

I guess I just have to trust that people will take certain bits of information and roll with it. I was pretty careful about the things I read before I gave birth. I love to google and research till my eyes bleed but I also read somewhere that you can give yourself a coronary if you're not careful. I learned that lesson when I first found out I was pregnant. I scared myself reading some things when I was looking up a certain pain I was experiencing and from then on I was really careful about which sources I used and what information I chose to read.

While in the midst of composing my letter, I was listening to some relaxing music. A steel guitar was playing and I was instantly taken back to that time of "the waiting" just before giving birth. At that time I remember I was soooooo ready to have the baby and not be pregnant anymore. My fingers and toes felt like sausages. It felt like I was wearing my baby. He was so large and taking up so much of my body that I felt like he was strapped onto me. I just wanted to hold him and meet him so badly. I was so tired and worn out from the massive nerve compression in my leg. Gestational Diabetes made me have to pee every 20 minutes and that was mighty annoying. Needless to say, I did not have an easy pregnancy.

Anyhow, for about a week straight, we sort of camped out in the living room with me laying on the couch ready to pop and watched the Firefly series while we waited for Godot. Yes, the WHOLE series. Every episode on DVD. I'm personally not really into sci-fi, but Hubby loves it. You would have to have seen it to know, but there was this theme music that would play and it had a steel guitar in it. I got sucked into watching it and almost looked forward to watching the plot develop. There was something soothing about the theme music and it got to be something that relaxed me while trying to nap. So now, every single time I hear a steel guitar, I think of Firefly which makes me think of waiting to give birth.

I wonder how it is for other women.
Do you have some memory trigger that makes you think about your pregnancy?
(leave me a comment)

There are certain moisturizing lotions that the smell reminds Hubby and I of the late nights of agony when he would have to massage my leg and back to keep the excruciating pain from making me lose my mind. I remember the pain in my leg being so bad that I wanted to saw it off with a dull nail file in the middle of the night. I still have some of moisturizing lotion left, but I now hesitate to use it because when I have, it reminds me of that uncomfortable time. It's not all bad memories, but mostly it was not a really great time. Hubby smells it and says "ah, smells like pregnancy" and he isn't saying that with a fondness in his tone of voice. So, I guess I'll save it for the next pregnancy if there is one and hope and pray it's different the next time around.

Everyone tells me that each pregnancy and each birthing experience is different. I have to believe in that or else we wouldn't keep the human race going. I have to believe that the next time won't be as bad as the first. I have to have faith that there is a reason the human mind blocks out these memories and represses all of the bad stuff for you. I still remember a lot, but I know I remember it very differently. I think Hubby remembers things more clearly but it's just something we don't discuss much. I know it is still too traumatic for him at times. I don't know that men have that "invasion of the memory snatchers" program that runs on their brains when it comes to childbirth. I feel bad for them in a way.

Sometimes I am tempted to blog about my labor and delivery experience. I just might some day so I have some permanent journal of it just for myself. Maybe when I'm done with my letter to my mother-to-be friend, I'll some how incorporate it into a post. Maybe it will be the therapy I need to resolve some issues I still harbor about the experience.

Call Off the Adoption

Ok, so I'm no longer putting my kid up for adoption. The laptop booted up and has been – knock wood – working fine since this morning. It survived having diluted apple juice spilled across part of the keyboard and speaker and I'm happily typing from my responsive keyboard once again. Leaving it in tent position all night with the battery removed was good joo joo evidently. The return key feels slightly sticky, but I'll live. I have yet to test out the optical drive, but I have faith that it will be alright. I have a feeling that when the internal temp rises as I do higher processor grinding tasks, the keys might get a little stickier. It's just a theory and only time and lots of banging the keys will tell. Maybe it will turn into crunchy granola after a while.

Last night I used Hubby's G4 to look up the servicing manual for a MacBook Pro. I also looked at lots of pictures of the machine taken apart. There is no way in hell I'm ever going to attempt taking this thing apart. Unless I win the lottery that I never play, then maybe. Browsing through all of the photos of the assembly parts made me appreciate this little machine even more as well as the steep price tag. It also makes me a little more paranoid and on even more of a mission to toddler-proof it more. I think I'm going to buy one of those keyboard condoms for it sometime soon.

I wonder if they make them ribbed for my pleasure?

It's a Dark Day for TheMacMommy

Well, the days has come. They day I knew would probably come and even tried so hard to guard against. I am writing this post on my good 'ol noisy G4 that I have since bestowed upon Hubby. Why? The MacBook Pro is drying out upside down, laying on my pillow. Yes, Lucian decided that the laptop was thirsty and so he gave it a drink of some diluted apple juice.

Sigh.

I watch as the clock ticks by till the time when I can boot the laptop back up and hope and pray I hear that musical chime of the startup. It happened at 1:00 pm this afternoon, so it will be around that time tomorrow afternoon before I attempt to put the battery back in it and press the power button.

I will now truly live up to my moniker of The MacMommy because I feel like I am literally "Mommying" my MBP, letting it lay on my pillow while it weeps diluted apple juice tears, letting it rest and hoping it gets better and recovers. I go in every now and then and touch it and look at it and speak softly to it and kiss it. Ok, just kidding about the kissing part.

It is painful to type on my old keyboard on the G4 right now because I am really noticing the speed gap in processing power from this G4 to the MBP. The letters seems to lag behind the cursor as I type. Bleh. I don't know how Hubby puts up with this, but I suppose it's better than the blueberry iMac he did have which is now the brain of Lucian's tangerine iMac in his room. Sorry boys, Mamma's got the need for speed!

What pisses me off is I KNEW this would happen eventually and there isn't much of a way to prevent it save being extremely careful...yeah, yeah, yeah, don't keep liquids near the damn thing...oh just bite me! I have a toddler for crying out loud. I don't know what padded cell those people live in but come to my house and design a machine that is toddler proofed and you'll get my seal of approval. Sony or whoever makes one of those what do they call it, a tough book or something like that. Well, if it ran OS X and was as powerful as a Mac, I would buy one but hey, the Mac Book Pro is everything I need to be happy and make some ROI. If only it weren't so damn perty and more durable.

Well, we will find out just how durable this thing is after tomorrow. We'll see if it survives yet another toddler attack we can add to the list. Prior attacks include: a 30 lb. toddler standing on it, Lucian wiping his boogers on it, being dropped onto carpet, yanking on the screen, banging on the keys, scratches, slamming the screen shut while smiling and running away saying Bye Bye, wiping banana sludge on it, yanking the power cord out of it repeatedly (thank God for Mag-safe) and sliding it under the sofa to hide it only for someone to sit on the sofa and drill a part of the sofa frame into the lid. Yeah, that produced a nice looking ding on the lid.

All I can say is that the thing looks loved, let me tell ya. Maybe I'll take some pictures of it some time.

Oh yeah, about that. Lucian also broke the digital camera yesterday. He is on a roll. Luckily, after much sweating and teeth grinding and complaining to Hubby about it, finally I stuck my fingernail in the edge of the shutter and tried seeing if perhaps a grain of dirt got in it and thankfully something came loose and the shutter finally closed and now the camera works again.

Well, Hubby and Dr. Destructor are now hangin with me in the computer lounge a.k.a the home office and it's just a matter of time before he finds something else to feed or play with or otherwise break in which case he will be put up for adoption.

Anyone want a really cute 30 lb. toddler? He comes with computer hacking skills. Leave a comment if you want me to drop him off.

Confessions of Mom Zombie

So I've been meaning to post a welcome 2008 style blog for over a week now and I've been chipping away at this post for a couple of days now. What? You think I write all my posts in one sitting? Ha ha ha. That's a good one. So, anyway, let's see if I can get this rolling. If you don't like reading verbose posts, you might want to skip this one. This is a get this off my chest kind of post.

Well, folks, there ya have it. Another year, 2007 is in the bag as they say. Surprisingly it didn't suck all that bad. I have a thing about odd-numbered years for some reason. I have an irrational dread for them. Despite leaving my full-time job and making the difficult decision to become a SAHM and having to continue on with life-altering changes and constant tough decisions, I think 2007 was an ok year for me. After what I've personally been through in the past 5 years or so, I'm now accustomed to having to adjust to completely life changing events by now. (It's when nothing major happens that I begin to wonder if that's normal.) Maybe it's because 7 is a lucky number. Or maybe it's just because I consider myself to be pretty good at seeing the silver lining in most situations.

I've had all these great things I've been wanting to blog about for so many days now, but do you think I can remember them all now that I've finally taken the opportunity to sit down and write? Hell no. I've been very distracted lately. Plus I've really been wrestling lately about what and when I should blog. It's become this guilty pleasure lately. I try to do it during nap time or late at night when I can't sleep - which is all the time lately. Now that more people may read it from time to time, I feel like I have to self-censor more and more. This started out as being a personal diary type of thing that I could use later to reflect back on certain parts of my life or remember things about Lucian as he grows. I also wanted to use it as an extension of my website so I could post technical reviews that might help other parents.

It would be really nice if my blog and website became really popular and I could make money from ads or something like that. I'm just not sure yet how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm attracted to writing for a public audience but on the other hand, sometimes I just would like to think that everyone who reads my blog are all complete strangers and that no one would get offended by what I write. There are times when I'm tempted to write comments about friends or family members. I want to gripe about things that piss me off and the people who create the chaos. But, I try my best — and sometimes it's harder than others — to operate on the principle that if you don't have something nice to say about someone then don't say anything at all. And, in the end, it's really me who is creating the chaos by letting myself get pissed off in the first place.

Hello, My name is Mother Theresa. Nice to meet you.

I'm sure it's the insomnia playing tricks with my mind. Or maybe it's the fact that my FIL has been living with us for the past couple of months and I'm anxious about Lucian not having his own room. Or maybe it's because the stress of this whole living situation has been causing a lot of strife between Nate and I and it's driving me crazy. Luckily, I think things will improve in the next few weeks when Opa D. moves to the new house and when Lucian can have his own room. I hope. It was cute and all in the beginning when we set up HIS part of OUR bedroom with his crib, changing table and book/nursing nook, but now, well, it's getting old.

The fact that it's Nate's father who happens to be living with us is immaterial. We could have a monk living with us and the same stress would be there. The same problems would be there. Like not being able to set up the baby room I've secretly been wanting to have for so long complete with the rocking chair and teddy bears and blue boy stuff all over. I was so excited to get to decorating it and making it a special place but then Nate's Dad had to move in with us almost in an emergency like situation because he couldn't live on the mountain any longer. In my family, like Nate's family, we just take care of our own. There was no questioning taking him in for a temporary amount of time. I just had no idea how much it would impact us.

I didn't think it would be such a big deal for Lucian to sleep in our room and I've wrestled with the idea of not having him close by to nurse in the middle of the night. But I have to admit, it is really really wearing on me. 18 months of no solid sleep probably isn't very good for a person. There are not many people I can talk to about it because all I get when I do is the accusing comments to the effect of 'well, if I would not still be breastfeeding him, he would probably be sleeping straight through the night.' or 'well, with breastfeeding, it just comes with the territory' so I suppose I have no right to complain. He is slowly weaning but I know the night nursings are the last to go. I am thinking though that if he had his own room, he would eventually learn to go without and learn to get himself back to sleep. The fact that he knows I'm in the room and I will nurse him back to sleep does not help the situation. I have tried to let him cry it out and there have been times when he will go back to sleep, but it's not fair to Nate who needs to get solid sleep so he can go to work in the morning and deal with bratty teenagers all day long. So, I just get him right away and nurse him and it minimizes the amount of time we're all interrupted, but none the less, there is still the interruption and then it's a major struggle for me to go back to sleep if I even managed to fall asleep in the first place.

So, as much as I think I am ready for Lucian to have his own room and feel a little bitter that he can't right now, I still have a hard time comprehending what it will be like to have him sleeping in another room. I guess it's some type of separation anxiety I'm experiencing and I wonder if I'll feel differently with the next child.

Something tells me though that I won't miss sneaking and hiding so we can have sex! It's not as much of a turn on as it used to be when we were young. Ahem. Something about trying not to wake a finally-got-to-sleep toddler is just not much of a turn on. Why am I blogging about my sex life or lack there of? This is the kind of thing I struggle with and feel defensive about.

Well, I blog about it because I can and because I feel like it, so there. My journal, my rules



Lucian got pretty spoiled with all of the family being here catering to his every whim so his schedule is really off kilter and he's displaying behavioral changes that I'm not too crazy about lately. He's been fighting the afternoon nap more and more and it feels like he doesn't want to be my friend any more. I know it's all normal, but no one says I have to like it. I loved having Oma D. here but when she is here, I am chopped liver. It breaks my heart when he runs to everyone else but me to be picked up. I know he loves me and I know it's normal behavior, but I miss the cuddly little baby and when he does show any kind of affection, I'm usually the last one to get it. Like I said, I know it's normal, but I don't have to be happy about it. I can't see how anyone would choose to be happy about no affection from their toddler either but I do my best not to take it personally and just cherish the moments I do get here and there.

I also realize that it's a trick to get you to have another baby and now I understand how the human species perpetuates!

I haven't been sleeping solid. I think I may have already said that. I get a couple of hours here and there in chunks it seems and my timing has been so out of sync with Nate. I feel like he's sleeping when I'm awake and I'm sleeping when he's awake. I feel disconnected from a lot of other things too besides just my new life and identity as a mother.

The house is slowly coming back together to its normal sense of quiet, settling and order. I am slowly becoming more optimistic about actually getting the house a little more organized since the tornado, oops, I mean, the baby came into our house. Paperwork might soon actually get put into the filing cabinet where it belongs instead of a cardboard box — which is an improvement to the loose pile it used to be in on the floor.

It was so great to celebrate our first Christmas in our home since we've been here. And what better way than to fill it up with family. Normally, Nate, Lucian and I are the ones who do all the traveling and it's not a matter of loading up the car and driving 20 minutes to Grandma's house over the hills and through the woods. No, it's been loading up the car and driving for 5 hours up to Flagstaff at 7,000 feet. Or it's been packing up suitcases and fighting the holiday travel crowd to fly all the way out to Pennsylvania. We've traveled with a sick 6-month old now, we can do just about anything right? I don't mind the traveling. I actually like it in a way but it really wipes you out when you add a kid into the mix. Lucian is such a great kid but even the best of kids hate being strapped into a car seat for many hours at a time. I don't blame him one bit for being grumpy but it doesn't make things any easier when we can do nothing to console him while driving.

This year it was a real treat to have everyone come to us. It was also stressful though and I'm sure I don't need to go into details about when you have a large number of people sharing a small space together how it can work on everyone's nerves after a while.

I learned some things about myself though that I kind of knew but wish I had more control over. I guess you could say perhaps it's my way of making note of some things I need to work on for the coming year. I personally think New Year's Resolutions are a load of crap. If you can't get your act together during the rest of the year, what makes you think the beginning of a new year is going to change anything for you? But, because there is so much hype, we sometimes can't help ourselves for buying into at least the notion of a clean slate come January 1st — present company included.

Since I've been a SAHM, I'm noticing that I've become really picky about the house, more than normal. I used to be really laid back and relaxed about it. Although, it wasn't really by choice since when you have a baby, your whole world gets turned upside down and inside out. You adopt a new sense of what you now consider "clean." Dishes in the dishwasher that are clean but not put away; that is now considered "clean." Same thing goes for laundry that never makes it out of the basket and into the appropriate drawers. Hell, if I can even remember to switch the wet laundry from the washing machine to the dryer, I'm having a good day. If the clothes make it out of the dryer and into a basket, even better. If the clothes then make their way into drawers, it doesn't even have to be the correct drawers, I feel a sense of achievement and am more motivated to relax a little. If the clothing somehow gets organized AND put into the correct drawers, I allow myself to take a long bubble bath!

Actually, before I moved out here and started this new life with my husband, I was a lot more uptight about how I kept my house. When it was just me in my own space, everything had a certain order and decor and things were fairly consistent. A place for everything and everything in its place. Pillow cases matched sheet sets and home decor had a certain theme. I even used to organize my drawers and closet so that clothing was sorted by plain colors versus patterns, stripes with stripes, solids with solids and everything by season. I think it was just the way I was raised. My parents are fairly tidy (nicer word for picky) as is the rest of my family. Some of them are way over the top, but no one complains about a house being too clean.

Now, the space I live in is no longer just my own, it's now ours. And I don't have one of those marriages where one spouse rules the other exclusively. (Hopefully Mr. Davis won't disagree and if he does, I'll make him see it my way. Ooops. Just kidding Sweetie.) So, when it comes to keeping house, there is a lot of collaboration than needs to happen. I'm not saying it happens all the time, but we do recognize it. There is nothing wrong with the way Nate keeps a space, it's just different than mine and that's ok. Together, we now have a more eclectic style and it is starting to grow on me. It's hard to believe that there used to be a time when I had to see flowers or a floral pattern in every damn corner of my house. The fact that we both come from almost opposite sides of the country also has a lot to do with what seems to feel like a clash in tastes. Had we both lived our prior lives in similar parts of the states, things might be different.

Same goes for the clash when it comes to extended family. It's one thing to grow and adjust your life and patterns with a spouse, but then add several other people and things can get, well, um — interesting. Now combine all of this with the fact that the house, since staying home full time, has become my own little universe and so much change and interruption now creates chaos and turmoil in my disoriented, sleep deprived, emotionally unstable mind.

Since the time I got pregnant with Lucian, I've felt like I've lost a lot of control over aspects of my life and it's been a seriously difficult adjustment for me. I'm practically a type A personality so losing control is just not something I take lightly. It's not like I didn't expect some of it, but there are a lot of things I didn't take into consideration either. Lucian was a very planned baby, that's for sure. (Type A, remember) The fact that we consciously made an effort to conceive him is a daunting concept. As much as I wanted to have a child, I was scared shitless about it all and I knew a lot of these issues I'm dealing with now were going to happen. I waited long enough to know I wasn't quite as naive about it as I would have been had I made these decisions earlier in my life. (Because I was so naive back then! Whoa!)

Overall, having a baby has changed my life for the better. I feel it has made me a better person. There is lots to gain, besides all of the weight. But there is a lot to lose as well, like your identity, your waistline, your mind, your .... um ... uh ... um ... what was it? oh - memory, that's it. I am amazed sometimes at some of the things I can accomplish while running on fumes when it comes to raising a child and working part time. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do half of it without my husband.

When it comes to losing control, I have noticed that I try to compensate by assuming control or regaining control of something else so that the things I have lost control over don't seem as problematic to me. Does that even make any sense? So I've begun to obsess a little at undetermined times about things in the house and lament the fact that I can't waive a magic wand and make it all purty the way I want it when I want it. Then what happens is I have a hard time justifying getting out of the house to have any fun. And you know what they say about all work and no play. It makes me bitchy is what it does.

So, I guess, if there is anything to be said for New Year Resolutions or goals or whatever works for ya, I would have to say that I would like to try to work on relaxing a little bit more and getting out more.

I thought I had so much more to say about all of this but I don't and I need to move on and look for something more positive. Hopefully I won't have too many more posts as down as this.

Happy happy joy joy Happy happy joy joy
bleh