if only our Foreign Policy was more like a software installation

Amen to this!
Have you ever read the terms of service when signing up for a service online, or anything else for that matter? I mean, REALLY read the fine print?
Well, I recently created a free email account for myself through Gmail. So many of my other friends and family members have been using Gmail lately, so I decided to check it out to see what all of the buzz was about and I have to say, it looks pretty cool. It looks like it will give me the benefits I'm looking for in a free email/web account service. Not only a free email account but also the ability to upload photos from my iPhoto application on my Mac, which until now, was only something that Yahoo! let me do.

So, before I sign up for anything like this, I usually read all of the fine print pretty carefully. (I used to work in advertising and I used to be the one who set that all too important information so I've seen many variations on the same theme.) I'm concerned about how this particular search-engine giant will handle my information. Most people just skip over all of that mumbo jumbo so they can get on with life. If you've read one terms of service contract, you've read them all, right? Well, I usually take that attitude myself...yeah, yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, enter at your own risk, just get on with the show.

Well this time in particular, I took my time and read through (as opposed to skimmed through) all of the provisions outlined in the terms of service agreement Google laid out for this free web photo album service. I was impressed with the way it was written. They must have some pretty smart lawyers who have backgrounds in copy writing because it was pretty easy to understand.

Then I got to thinking. Perhaps it's all of the politics so thick in the air lately. Perhaps it's because I'm married to a victim of NCLB, oops, sorry, I mean a teacher. Or perhaps it's because I live so close to one of our borders, but I just had to share this one part with you. It just made me think about how so many people complain about illegal immigration and the problems caused by the foreign people who come into this country looking for the "land of opportunity" and then expect to change things to suit their own needs once they get here.

Just read this one excerpt I copied and pasted directly from the Terms of Service Agreement. Notice that you have to click an accept button before you can continue with the service.

If there is any contradiction between what the English language version of the Terms of Service say and what the translations say, then the ENGLISH language version shall take precedence.

Man! Could you imagine if the United States had a foreign policy like this?!!

If you come to this country from somewhere else and you want to live here permanently, fine, we invite you! I have plenty of family members and friends who have done so proudly and have "agreed to the terms of the service." They worked their asses off to live here and make this a better place for others, not just themselves and they deserve it. No problem. Select "I accept" and they're in and we welcome them with open arms.

It's the people who do NOT read the terms and just come here without an understanding of what it means to be an American that I have a problem with. It's the people who look at America and say yeah, that looks great, just click ok without reading our Constitution and our Bill of Rights and learning about our heritage and how things work here and then come in and try to complain about it or change it that I have a problem with. It's the people who slide across our borders and slip in and take advantage of our "free" healthcare system so their babies can be "born on American soil" when they've never shed a drop of sweat to work here and then strain the health care resources and limit the availability to the people who ARE legitimately born here.

I'm so tired of foreigners complaining about us not speaking their language or catering to their religious beliefs. No, we don't believe in beating our women here so I wish they would just go back from where they came from if we're not good enough for them. Leave their women here if they don't want them. We'll educate them and they can become productive members of society, not just reproductive members. If they want to beat something, then get a friggin job in construction, pick up a jackhammer and help the rest of the Americans to do what we do best which is to build a stronger nation. Maybe if they'd work harder, they wouldn't have the energy to beat their wives.

That's my polite way of saying "go screw yourself."

Just imagine if America's foreign policy was enforced like software installation? Wouldn't that be interesting?

Before entering the United States you would be faced with a blockade like:
Please read and agree to our Terms and Conditions below.
By clicking on "I accept" below you're agreeing to the Terms of Service and both the Program Policy and Privacy Policy.

If you do not accept, you simply can not proceed. It's as simple as that.

Anyhow, that's my rant for this morning.
Had to get that off my chest.

I'm trying out my new email address: TheMacMommy@gmail.com if you want to drop me a line and say hi.

peace

Hug Your Kids

Yesterday was such a sad reminder that we live in a very cruel world where nothing is certain anymore. I'm not saying that there ever was a more innocent time but it's just getting ridiculous. Kids can't even get an education without being in danger. You just never know when someone is going to snap and take numbers. I respect my elders, I really do, but I keep hearing variations of the phrase that basically amounts to: "well, we did *it* and we survived." and it just frustrates me every time I hear it because all I can think to myself is "yeah, then you were just lucky." Some would argue that the danger we live with today is no more than what other generations have faced. I believe that we live in much more different times, much more scary times. it must have been terrible to live under the threat of the A-bomb and war time and military draft. Infant mortality rates were high. Lots of husbands, brothers, and fathers went off to war. Many people died. Families were much larger and lived on what would seem much less. I remember my parents telling me stories about how when they were young children, they had to have drills where they would hide under their desks in the event of a bomb. I even attended an elementary school where there still existed a fallout shelter. Who knows what those are anymore these days? Grandmom and Grandpop lived in scary times. Mom and Dad lived in scary times. They lived through war time. They experienced loss of life. They lived with an unjust government much as we do live with today. Ok, so you can really draw some parallels between the generations. What I want to know is when did those generations have to deal with the fear of the common man's instability and inability to function in society? They dealt with it a lot but it seems like it's become even more commonplace today. It gives new meaning to the phrase "does not play well with others." When did they have to worry about sending their kids off to school (any kind of school mind you) and have to wonder if one or more of their fellow classmates was going to whip out a gun and kill a bunch of their kids before whacking himself? It's normal to worry when you send your loved one off to war. You know there is a chance that they won't return but it is the sacrifice they make to make this a better place to live in. It is NOT normal to worry when you send your loved one off to get an education to better themselves and wonder if they will not return. It's just not part of the deal when we go to places to educate ourselves. We live in different times. I used to wonder about that premise. I used to think, well, is it really that different than what our parents and other generations have experienced? I mean, they lived with the constant threat of war and crime and violence. After yesterday's events at VA Tech, I don't wonder about it anymore. We do live in different times and I've decided that it's much worse. You'll always hear from elders "we lived with it and we turned out ok." I even catch myself saying it now too. 30 years ago, we didn't wear seatbelts in cars and we turned out fine. We ate foods laced with pesticides and we were just fine. We walked to the school bus alone or in small groups and we got to school each day without being picked up by some creepy child molester or worse, being murdered by one. WE EVEN WENT TO COLLEGE, GRADUATED AND GOT A DEGREE AND NO ONE GOT SHOT IN THE PROCESS!! We are constantly struggling to make it a safer world for our children and it feels like a losing battle. I look at my son who is not even one year old and I wonder about his future. Actually, I spend less time now wondering about his future, I spend more time worrying about it. All of the sudden home schooling is looking more and more attractive, but at the same time I realize that I can't keep him in a bubble all his life. We can't predict what will happen in the future and we can't go back to a more innocent time. All we CAN do is live and not take life for granted. Hug your kids. Love them. Cherish them. Stay close to them in with any means possible even when you're far away in physical distance. You never know what tomorrow brings...or takes away. peace

overwhelmed

I just feel like blogging before I turn in. I've become a bit of an insomniac at times. I know I could go to bed right now, but for some reason I just don't want to. I should have turned in an hour ago when I had the nods but I thought of a topic I wanted to google and now here I am.

stream of consciousness....no particular order or topic relation

Lucian has 4 teeth now. I can't believe it. He loves to ride in the front of the shopping cart. He likes it when I go "vrooom!! vrooom!!" and push him really fast. It's like he's not a baby anymore but a little kid. Oma (Nate's Mom) has been visiting all week. It's been great. We get along so well. Not many women can say they like spending time with their mother in law. I think she's great. Lucian had so much fun with her and I think he is going to miss her for the first time. We'll be visiting up there in Flag in a week or so when Nate has Spring Break. I think Lucian will be happy to see her again.

Last week he had his routine checkup and had to give blood for a routing test. It was awful to have to hold on to him so tightly while they inserted the needle. Luckily he wasn't ticked off for too long and didn't seem to hold a grudge.

The sound of his giggle is the best sound in the entire world.

I've discovered podcasts and now I'm hooked. I listen to the MacCast and love it. I am such a nerd...I actually bring Lucian's high chair into the office and feed him in here so I can listen to podcasts! I need to get a laptop before he has the ability to fling carrots at my computer!

We still haven't done our taxes and it's driving me nutz. I want to get it over with.

There are just not enough hours in the day. There is so much I want to do.

I had my first house call today and it was great. I'm looking forward to more of them.

ok, I guess I'd better get to bed.
nite nite

stream of consciousness from a mother at 3 am

I was reading someone else's blog tonight and came across this entry. She copied it from someone else's blog so unfortunately I don't know the source, sorry. But, I had to copy it as well because it really rings true for me. See the section "Before I Was a Mom" pasted below.

Anyhow, it's going on 3 am and I'm up again messing around on the computer, playing with my myspace page filling in the lonely void I experience when the boys go to bed. Someday I'll get some real friends to hang out with outside of the house I guess. I checked into some mommy n me groups on the net this weekend. One looks promising but there is a registration fee and that's not too cool right now. I'm starting to feel the financial pinch when I look at my iCal and see all the bills that are coming due and not knowing how we're going to pay them.

Many things weigh on my mind right now. Health insurance is one of them. My student loan is another. I have to call the company and defer it AGAIN. Not looking forward to that. It always makes me feel like such a loser and makes me regret getting my bachelor's degree. It makes me dislike Bush even more than I already do and I can't wait till a new President comes in office and hopefully someone who will make things better for struggling families.

I guess I'm kinda depressed and bitter thinking about money. So, I guess I'm getting it off my chest here. It's hard to talk to Nate about it. He's worried enough about it so I don't need to add my worries to his. I'm always the positive one when it comes to money and always his cheerleader but really inside, sometimes I keep looking for things to sacrifice so we'd have more money to pay bills.

Sometimes, I'm afraid to get out of the house and go drive anywhere because I fear getting into an accident without any health insurance to pay for hospital costs. I will be looking into some options this week. That's my goal. A friend of mine gave me a good tip about just getting comprehensive so I'll look into that. Last I checked, the COBRA plan is close to 400 bucks and I just don't see how we'd afford that. It's just not possible right now. Even if I got rid of the internet service and hocked my beloved computer (which is the only thing that keeps me sane) we still couldn't afford to pay all the bills.

I'm really looking into getting some part time work to bring in some more money. I have a couple of positive leads so far, but I'm taking the advice of older wiser ones and I'm not rushing into anything heavy just yet.

It just sucks no matter how you slice it. All I can say is, I guess they can come and take away my things, but they can't come and take away the joy I find when I watch my son play with a carrot.

Lucian is so fascinating. Every single day...I mean, really, not a day goes by that I don't look at him and say "I can't believe we made that! or "I can't believe I grew him inside my body!"

I hope I never stop feeling this sense of overwhelming wonder. I do wonder sometimes when parents of older children look at them...do they still think the same thing later in life?

Today, the same as many days, I was tickling him and kissing his belly and mostly kissing his belly button. I say to him that that's the place where we used to be connected. I wonder what I'll say to him when he's old enough to question what that means.

I wonder what will happen when he is 16 and running around in his swimming trunks at the pool. Will I still look at that belly button and think to myself...that's where we used to be connected? That's where we used to breathe the same air and eat the same food.

There must be something to it later in life. I guess that's why my mother and my mother in law stare at their grandson every chance they get. I wonder what goes through their minds at times. It must be wild to be at the top of the chain looking down and thinking to themselves "I made the person that made this little person."

Having a C-section was rough for me because I didn't get to hold him and touch him right away. I don't think I had control over my muscles for quite some time after his birth and I remember I was very nauseous from the anesthesia, but by the time I got to see him and kiss his face for the 1st time, everyone else had already gotten a chance to hold him and bond with him and the cord was already cut and knotted.

When they first pulled him out of me and gave him to Nate, he was so bundled up that all I remember seeing was his little nose peeking out of that blanket. It didn't really feel real or sink in because I felt so helpless while I was stretched out on the OR table with my guts hanging out. I couldn't move and barely react to what happened. It was all so surreal. Nate was in scrubs from head to toe so he didn't look like himself. I felt so alone and abandoned.

By the time I got to see the baby again, Nate had to hold him up to me again all bundled up and I still couldn't move much and all I could do was reach out with my neck as much as possible and kiss his cheeks and let him know I was there.

I think it was several days...perhaps even weeks before I even got to see his entire body naked for the first time. So, I never really got to see the umbilical cord except for in pictures. It makes me sad because I really would have liked to have seen what it looked like.

There were so many things I wanted to do and see and experience while I was carrying Lucian. The C-section just robbed me of so many experiences. I didn't even get to hold him and change his diaper right away. I remember thinking while I was still pregnant that I couldn't wait to give birth to him and inspect every last inch of him. I wanted to kiss each and every toe and finger. I wanted to look real close at him and try to make out his tiny little fingerprints. I really didn't think that those desires were unrealistic expectations to have. You see it on tv all the time. I guess that's my fault for watching those shows.

It just didn't happen like that and yes, I don't care what anyone says, I am bitter and I will be for a long time.

HOWEVER

I think that those feelings and having missed out on so much that others take for granted is the reason why I enjoy my son so much more these days than perhaps some people might. It's not to say that other mothers don't enjoy their children, but when you work full time, as I have experienced, you just don't have time to pay attention to minute details. When I was working, it was a struggle just to get the basics taken care of before having to get ready to do it all over again. Before, all I wanted to do was get him bathed and put to bed so I could get to bed to get enough sleep so I wouldn't wreck us in the car on the way to work. NOW, I can make time to take a bath WITH him and teach him how to splash water and watch the suds dissolve on his skin. I have time to watch him play with his belly button and wonder what it is.

I love to get on the floor with him, down at his level, and play with him..stacking his blocks only to watch him knock them all over. I love to stare into his eyes when he's nursing and wonder what he's thinking.

I love to watch him pick up a carrot and investigate it. Watching him reminds me of all the things I have to be grateful for that I take for granted like the ability to pick up a carrot and put it into the other hand. There are people, many, who either do not have the hands or the ability to do that. There are many people who may have the ability to pick up a carrot, but who don't even have food let alone carrots to play with before eating it. Then, there are also so many children who may have the carrots and the ability, but they don't have the parent who will sit there and watch them amazed at their simple accomplishments.

I am sad about some things, but I am happy more than I am sad so that's a good thing.

Here is the blog I copied that prompted my stream of consciousness this evening:

Before I was a Mom

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom

-- source unknown at the time of this posting

In the same blog was a book that was recommended:
"Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury
The blogger posted an excerpt and, I agree with her, I'm not sure if I could handle the whole book either.


"........Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts; First smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst. But one day you will move away and leave to me your past, And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts ...
The last time that I held a bottle to your baby lips, The last time that I lifted you and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying, needing to be walked. When last you crawled up with your blanket, wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me, still small enough to hold. The last time that you said you'd marry me when you grew old. Precious, simple moments and bright flashes from your past- Would I have held on longer if I'd known they were your last?

One last adventure to the park, your final midday nap, The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap.
I never said good-bye to all your yesterdays long passed. So what about tomorrow- will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you talk to me about your hopes and dreams. The last time that you wear a jersey for your high school team.

I've watched you grow and barely noticed seasons as the pass. If I could freeze the hands of time, I'd hold on to your lasts.
.
For come some bright fall morning, you'll be going far away. College life will beckon in a brilliant sort of way. One last hug, one last good-bye, one quick and hurried kiss. One last time to understand just how much you'll be missed. I'll watch you leave and think how fast our time together passed. ........"

The SAHM Adventure begins!

Well, today is day day 2 of my "stay at home mom" adventure. I have to admit, I am really really happy about it. I am truthfully scared sh**less about the financial hit we're going to take but I'm trying really hard to see all the positive above that really really big negative factor of the decision.

Nate, Lucian and I went for a walk in the park today...for real...not a figure of speech...we literally just put on our sneaks, put the baby in the stroller and all we took was the camera. We left our cell phones at home-on purpose! We didn't even take the diaper bag with us!!! Which, I regretted because even though it was in the upper 70s, after walking for what seemed like a mile to get to the park, my nose was running and so was Lucian's and I wished that I had the kleenex from the diaper bag handy. But, ya know what...who cares...a little bit of boogers never hurt nobody. LOL

I can't believe I just wrote that for everyone to see. Have I lost my freekin mind already? It's 11:04 pm and I am writing a blog on my myspace page....why?
BECAUSE I CAN.....darn it! and it feels good. Lucian is sleeping peacefully and so is hubby and we've all had a wonderful day. I got some housework done...I actually felt like a wife and mom today so I'm rewarding myself with some "me" time for once.

Since before I gave birth to Lucian and I have wanted to get myself to write some type of a diary and I kept putting it off. Now there are memories and thoughts I would have loved to have shared with Lucian later in life that have slipped me by.

It's really a toss up. Life is short and that's the bottom line. One day we're here and the next we could be gone and what will become of our legacy? Life is too short to write blogs. I should be spending the time I would spend writing a blog living it...not writing about what and how I would like to live. Life is too short to NOT write blogs. If you don't take the time to stop and reflect once in a while....where does that get you in the long run?

I've been thinking about the word "disposable" for a long time now. How do I make myself feel less "disposable" has been a goal of mine. I've been in and out of jobs and I've been uprooted so many times over the past decade it seems that it feels like so much in life is never permanent or meant to last anymore. So much of my life and parts of me have been "disposed of" and it makes me sad. Perhaps it's an after effect of giving birth. You gain so much in the process and so much of it is literally thrown away in a garbage bag or flushed down a toilet or drain. I was really disappointed when I couldn't find a place in time to donate my placenta. We could never afford to bank the cord blood like I would have liked to but I would have really liked to have had the peace of mind knowing that such a vital part of my body that would normally be thrown away, could have been donated and put to good use. In all the difficulties of my pregnancy, I ended up waiting too close to delivery to find a place to donate and so it was too late when the time came. I feel ill thinking that my placenta was just thrown in the trash when it could have been used for something good instead.

That is just one example of a part of me that I feel sad that was disposed of. Another part of me that I feel has been disposed of is my skills and talents. Long story and probably best saved for another blog but this last job I had showed me just how insensitive people can be and how bad decisions affect people in such a negative way.

Well, I have to limit myself as to how long I'm going to spend on blogging for now so I will have to continue this thought at some other time.

peace